Why does everything turn into a sermon?

[seh77]

Last Thursday I found out that my Grandfather has Lung Cancer and my Dad was in the hospital.  So I call and check on my Dad (Whom I have not had the best relationship growing up but I try to be the best person I can be).  He was a little out of it while talking to him.  I come home and tell my GF.  And she was like are you going to see him?  I told her yes I want to see him and talk to his Nurse and DR.  She then proceded to ask why? You don't talk to him or get along.  I then was sermaned on how her and her uncle were tight always did things together until one certian thing happened and he choses not to talk to her unless he has to now.  How she is ok with not being around him because it's his choice ect... If anything happens Something ALWAYS happens with her all of a sudden.  She then was like well I am just trying to figure you out.  I have told her many times that while I do disagree with the choices my father has made I still love him.  But the way she kept on with me, she made me feel like she was trying to get me to not go.  She said what if he has something contagious? I wouldn't go see him if I thought I could bring something home to us and the kids.  I told her he is pretty bad off and I will take every precaution possible.  I felt so hurt because she didn't support me in going to see him but picked it all apart.  So Yes I got defensive, then I didn't say much and dressed and went to see my Dad.  She was queit when I got back home and hasn't said much since other than I will pray for him.  

I just want to learn how to deal with situations like this.  I am tired of her trying to be the center of attention when I really need her to be there for me.

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[Chosen]

Hi seh77,

It sucks when we need somebody just to put US first and then they have to turn the whole matter onto THEM.

2 of the main reasons why they lecture us, in my opinion, are:

1. They feel the need to let out their emotions, and they do so by talking on and on and on, until you agree with them or they get the validation they need.

2. They issue on hand is not about them.  By talking non-stop, lecturing, giving a sermon... .they turn the attention away from the other people (your uncle & dad) and back on them.

On what to do... .I think that giving validation is a good start.  But I'm not very good at that so I get into trouble a lot of times... .but as you said, you need somebody to take care of you at the times so you don't really have the energy to take care of her needs right there and then.  I would say just validate a bit then leave her to it.  And also don't explain your decision.  Say perhaps, "I will be visiting my dad, would you be coming?"  Then you're not asking her whether you should go or not, but just telling her and asking if she will join.

Do you think that may help a bit?

[waverider]

I am tired of her trying to be the center of attention when I really need her to be there for me.

Unfortunately that is a core part of the disorder and you can only learn to accept that, and learn not to need her to be there. Sometimes she may be, but you can't rely on it and it will hurt more when you get let down.

I have told her many times that while I do disagree with the choices my father has made I still love him]I have told her many times that while I do disagree with the choices my father has made I still love him

Dont tell her many times, she will only take it as challenging her, no need to keep trying to convince her of your reality.

She said what if he has something contagious? I wouldn't go see him if I thought I could bring something home to us and the kids.  I told her he is pretty bad off and I will take every precaution possible.

She has put you into JADE mode here. You don't need to justify going to see a sick parent.

[seh77]

Thank you Waverider and Chosen.

I did go and see my Dad.  I didn't say anything about the talk we had prior to going and see him.  The afternoon went by without a bump.  I know she needs validation, just sometimes it's a hard thing to do.  Last night she was like the spark is not in our relationship.  I told her that I thought the "Honeymoon" fase was gone but we were still doing great.  That we have learned how to communicate ect. 

... .Everyday is a Roller Coaster ride.   

[HopefulDad]

I hear you.  I just had a similar interaction with my BPD wife... .

Setup:  My father is undergoing cancer treatment and one of the side effects is short term memory loss.  Recently, he was at a social function and completely blanked on the name of an old friend he's supposed to present for an award in December.  He was so fed up with yet another bout of forgetfulness that he asked my mother if they could go home and being the empathetic woman she is, she agreed fully.

I relayed that story to my wife* and the first thing out of her mouth is, "Why did he let it get to him so much that he had to leave?"  I told her that although we may have responded differently, I can empathize with his frustration of losing his short term memory.  We went a few rounds on this: She reiterating her disbelief that he up and left and me explaining it's not about that.  Finally, she made it about her: "How come you can empathize so easily with your father, but you don't empathize with ME when I want you to... ."  I was thinking, "Here we go again."  Of course reminded her I empathized with how she felt (just not her conclusions or judgments) and she said I did no such thing.  Same old stuff.

* One of my wife's prime accusations towards me is that I don't share my thoughts and feelings enough and there is some truth to that, so I try real hard to share things with her.  However, I must admit that part of my past reluctance to share things with her was knowing there was a decent chance the conversation would turn ugly and become about her.  I couldn't quite put my finger on this pattern until I started learning about BPD.