Slight setback

[Hollygoeslightly]

So, I haven't been on these boards since mid August when I hit my lowest point. I then developed a crush on a friend and transferred my energies to him and felt light and forgot about my BPD ex.

I found out this weekend that my BPD ex did in fact leave the country to go and live with a girl that he, to the best of my knowledge, spent about two weeks with during a foreign university work experience in April, and her coming to visit for two weeks in August.

It feels so bad because I thought with his BPD and everything he was all talk. Turns out he wasn't but makes me feel like it was just me he didn't like and he didn't have that many issues.

However, how healthy is this attitude? How healthy must she be? He has taken her all the places and introduced me to all the people he wanted to do with me. To top it all of her interests are almost exactly the same as mine.

He seemed to need to leave the country at this time one wa or another... .was she just his meal ticket? I'm curious if people think this is healthy as I'm obviously biased.

In the past he finished with one girl a day before the wedding and the next moved in right away to "help with bils." He started seeing me in Jan after finishing a relationship in dec. he met this current girl a fortnight after splitting with me.

I guess I am scared that the appearso happy and in love that it will work out and it was all lies with me... .just ranting aloud here I guess... .

I also feel sorry for whatshe may have coming as I want to hae her but she seems genuinely lovely!

On another note the chest pains seem to be related to his anxiety which makes me think - was he anxious over how much he may have felt for me and it was that he couldn't deal with his emotions. Was the fact him and this girl were long distance for so long better for him and this adventure adding to their love story?

I know I shouldn't care but it's just bugging me. Dammit I felt I was almost there!

[damage control]

Hi Holly

I can completely relate to your fear/s.

My ex took up with a new woman immediately (he left the house the night of the morning he dumped me to meet her for their first date - he had been emailing her over the weekend while I slept).

It's only been 2 weeks so this is still very painful but my biggest fear is that I have spent a year getting him through all the crap from his previously relationship (he and I also 'overlapped with him and her) just to have him feeling better , more able to sustain a relationship and that he will end up in a LTR with this new woman ... I want so, so much for this new relationship to fall apart, I am ashamed to admit it, but I do because, if it doesn't, then what does that say about me?

I was in a distance thing with the ex and I can tell you that yes, the distance makes them feel that they have more control over the woman/person/relationship. My ex actually told me this upfront. (Of course, that begs the question as to why he has gone from a distance relationship to one with a woman who lives locally - and that again, rips me apart - was it only ME that he wanted to keep at a distance?).

It's hard to swallow there 'what ifs?', But only time will tell for any of them I guess.

[Learning_curve74]

He is BPD and that means he has a serious mental illness. Just because he isn't tied up in a straitjacket, he only looks like he is "normal", but from what you wrote about him, he most certainly is NOT healthy!

Have you read this article: Surviving a breakup with somebody suffering from BPD? One of the beliefs that keep us stuck is believing it was only our fault.

You didn't cause his BPD, you can't cure it, and you can change it. Whatever he does says NOTHING about you. His actions are only a reflection of him, just as our actions only reflect us.

So, knowing that our actions reflect us and our inner values, wants and feelings, what are you doing for yourself?

[Turkish]

So, I haven't been on these boards since mid August when I hit my lowest point. I then developed a crush on a friend and transferred my energies to him and felt light and forgot about my BPD ex.

I found out this weekend that my BPD ex did in fact leave the country to go and live with a girl that he, to the best of my knowledge, spent about two weeks with during a foreign university work experience in April, and her coming to visit for two weeks in August.

It feels so bad because I thought with his BPD and everything he was all talk. Turns out he wasn't but makes me feel like it was just me he didn't like and he didn't have that many issues.

However, how healthy is this attitude? How healthy must she be? He has taken her all the places and introduced me to all the people he wanted to do with me. To top it all of her interests are almost exactly the same as mine.

Hi HGL (if I may refer to you as that), BPDs to me run from a script in their heads. In a healthy relationship, we may be attracted to those with like interests, but they seem to operate on some parallel level. My X's previous LTbf was better looking and much younger than me, but he was also into two specific "manly" hobbies that I was (though I was way more into them than he was). We also had shaved heads (like my X's father!)

He seemed to need to leave the country at this time one wa or another... .was she just his meal ticket? I'm curious if people think this is healthy as I'm obviously biased.

Whether or not is is healthy is irrelevant, isn't it? You know that based upon his likely disorder, he is incapable of sustaining a healthy relationship.

In the past he finished with one girl a day before the wedding and the next moved in right away to "help with bils." He started seeing me in Jan after finishing a relationship in dec. he met this current girl a fortnight after splitting with me.

I guess I am scared that the appearso happy and in love that it will work out and it was all lies with me... .just ranting aloud here I guess... .

Do those actions represent anything "healthy" and stable at all? They sound nuts to me.

I also feel sorry for whatshe may have coming as I want to hae her but she seems genuinely lovely!

That's very human and empathetic of you. Too bad your X doesn't have those qualities... .not having them, it's probably what he is attracted to so he can mirror what he lacks.

On another note the chest pains seem to be related to his anxiety which makes me think - was he anxious over how much he may have felt for me and it was that he couldn't deal with his emotions. Was the fact him and this girl were long distance for so long better for him and this adventure adding to their love story?

They are incapable of dealing with their emotions in a healthy way, depending upon their level of function.

I know I shouldn't care but it's just bugging me. Dammit I felt I was almost there!

Shouldn't care about... .what, specifically? Him? Her? The situation of you detaching?

You may still care about him because you were in a relationship, and the love on your side was far more genuine than his. Her, because you are a caring and empathetic person don't don't like to see people suffer. The situation, because, the feelings surrounding loss of love are completely natural. It shows you are human.

It shows you are whole.

[Hollygoeslightly]

Thank you all so much for your kind comments. It was one of those days where. Needed to talk, but obviously 7 months after a 7 week relationship ends, friends don't necessarily want to talk about it anymore! I guess that in itself shows it wasn't normal... .

Turkish - thanks for the comment about it sounding nuts. Sometimes you just need someone else to verify that this really isn't normal behaviour to stop yourself going in circles and making yourself crazy. I never really thought about my action as being human and empathetic. I guess I should be proud of that. I definitely think he goes for people who have qualities he wants. He studies animation and his ex prior to me was on his animation course, and he met his new gf doing animation, and from what I can tell they are better than he is.this new girlfriend seems so young and I do worry for her if it goes wrong when he has shown such a grand gesture as moving to be with her! I loved the comment about me being whole so thank you.

Learning_curve74 - I think that is what annoys me about this. On the surface he seems to be brilliant, making his family proud, yada yada yada. Underneath he is a mess. You wonder how many people notice it. He was supposed to be moving to Prague for an amazing job opportunity which I was always sceptical about as the only people whom he told were mutual friends... .who now dislike how he treated me and are my friends not his . He sounds like he is earning cash in hand and working somewhat illegally. So much for success. It makes me wonder what was truth, if any. It's so simple but saying that I didn't cause his BPD really helps. I guess I just worry I made him more miserable. Since we split I made a decision to not date until I was ok in myself, which I 95% am... .this just threw me a bit. I have set up my own photography company on top of my regular job which was always a dream. I have spent more time with friends, gone on holiday and tried to just "be" to not stress, to live and have fun. I also changed jobs so it's been a rubbish year on one hand, and a stellar year on the other. It's almost like their BPD rubs off on you. I still wonder about therapy, but if I ask myself the right questions as I go, and have good friends, watch out for red flags, I hope I'll be ok. The hard part was all my self esteem went through the roof during idealisation and then was non existent for a while. I guess time really is the best healer.

Damage control - that is so awful. I am so sorry for you. How can the do it? It seems such a cruel twist of nature for them and for anyone involved with them. From what people say on here, and from experiences, it will fail as they can't sustain a healthy relationship. It's just a case of when. It's easy to say it doesn't matter anymore and you shouldn't care, but I think all us nons cared too much... .well at least more than the BPDs knew was possible. It's early days so make sure to look after yourself, vent on here, and get a good support network. I think we need to look on it as a bad dream that we can hopefully learn a lesson from.

I wonder if any of the BPD exes have moved onto the next one and actually tried to get better. They just don't seem to want to get better and are in denial.

Thank you all again for listening and commenting. It means so much.