www.mommyish.com/2013/12/25/holiday-family-stress/I came across this today and found it comforting as this was my first holiday being NC with my uBPDm. I thought others might enjoy it.
Thee last paragraphs really resonated with me. I feel terribly relieved to be NC and my life and my family's life has been much more relaxed and calm. I expected that. What I did not expect to feel was the loss that I feel. I mean, I knew when I realized what was up with my mother that NC was the inevitable conclusion. I yearned for that freedom. But I'll be damned if I don't miss her something fierce some days. And I know it's silly because there are only small snippets where she was actually a mom but there's something profoundly sad about knowing that your parent would rather choose their pride over having a relationship with you and your family; knowing that each day she wakes up and makes that same choice and will until she dies.
And, what's worse, is now that I'm a parent, understanding how hard the job is and knowing that she probably felt that too. It scares me to think I could feel the same way she did because I do not want to parent like she does. I understand cognitively, of course, that every parent feels the toughness that comes with parenting and that most respond normally by taking steps to relieve the stress or remove themselves from the situation briefly to restore themselves and that's how I handle it, but I can see how easy it would be to slip the other way and that scares the crap out of me.
Anyway, apologies for rambling.
