Weary of BPD drama in family, and done overestimating my ability to handle it...

[Depression = 72% of members]

Have been riding the roller coaster of family members (my only sister, 44 years old, and my 67 year old father) who both exhibit classic BPD moods/behaviors/splitting/rage for decades, and I am mentally exhausted... .needless to say my dad and sister are like oil and water and are incredibly volatile in each other's presence, which puts tremendous strain on my parents as a couple as we'll... .makes for some really fun holidays and family get togethers!

I've done my homework on the disorder and have a pretty clear understanding of what's going on and how I should behave when confronted by their less than pleasant behaviors (which I find impossible to do at times, and am tired of having to always check my own feelings/opinions at the door in order to accommodate theirs), but my mother enables them both out of fear of losing contact with my sister and even more with her grandson (who I fear greatly for since he is being raise in such an anguish filled environment), as well as to keep them both from going over the edge any further than they already are, and for fear of her marriage ending (regardless of how miserable it is, which is truly mind boggling to me, seeing that in her 60's now, she has hopefully 20+ more years of life ahead of her)... .she wont admit it, but she then puts the pressure on me to "be the sane one", to not make a situation worse by simply biting my tongue, tolerating whatever they say or do, "turning the other cheek", and I am just so tired of it, as is my husband.  My sister had "disowned" me countless times over our lifetimes, de-friends me on Facebook, calls by phone to describe her latest crisis only to hang up the phone in fury when I say something she doesn't want to hear, rages at me then gives me the silent treatment for weeks on end... .other than trying to stay connected with her son for my children's sake, I don't see much value in trying to maintain a relationship with her.

Twice in the last four months I have had to literally "escape" the drama by leaving family visits/vacations much early than originally planned since my own young children are being exposed to far too much of it.  I guess that's where I have subconsciously drawn the line in the sand.  At the same time, I do not want my children to see my running away from conflict as a behavior they should adopt when confronted by challenges in their own personal lives, and I don't know how to reverse what they have already witnessed.

I'm looking a family/caregiver support group in the Boston, Massachusetts area that might help me figure out how to be around these family members, without my children suffering the same way I have for the last 30+ years.  I see a NAMI one listed in Lexington MA on Tuesday evenings, although I'm not sure what the primary focus might be, anyone familiar with this group or have any other suggestions?

[Winchymum]

Have been riding the roller coaster of family members (my only sister, 44 years old, and my 67 year old father) who both exhibit classic BPD moods/behaviors/splitting/rage for decades, and I am mentally exhausted... .needless to say my dad and sister are like oil and water and are incredibly volatile in each other's presence, which puts tremendous strain on my parents as a couple as we'll... .makes for some really fun holidays and family get togethers!

I've done my homework on the disorder and have a pretty clear understanding of what's going on and how I should behave when confronted by their less than pleasant behaviors (which I find impossible to do at times, and am tired of having to always check my own feelings/opinions at the door in order to accommodate theirs), but my mother enables them both out of fear of losing contact with my sister and even more with her grandson (who I fear greatly for since he is being raise in such an anguish filled environment), as well as to keep them both from going over the edge any further than they already are, and for fear of her marriage ending (regardless of how miserable it is, which is truly mind boggling to me, seeing that in her 60's now, she has hopefully 20+ more years of life ahead of her)... .she wont admit it, but she then puts the pressure on me to "be the sane one", to not make a situation worse by simply biting my tongue, tolerating whatever they say or do, "turning the other cheek", and I am just so tired of it, as is my husband.  My sister had "disowned" me countless times over our lifetimes, de-friends me on Facebook, calls by phone to describe her latest crisis only to hang up the phone in fury when I say something she doesn't want to hear, rages at me then gives me the silent treatment for weeks on end... .other than trying to stay connected with her son for my children's sake, I don't see much value in trying to maintain a relationship with her.

Twice in the last four months I have had to literally "escape" the drama by leaving family visits/vacations much early than originally planned since my own young children are being exposed to far too much of it.  I guess that's where I have subconsciously drawn the line in the sand.  At the same time, I do not want my children to see my running away from conflict as a behavior they should adopt when confronted by challenges in their own personal lives, and I don't know how to reverse what they have already witnessed.

I'm looking a family/caregiver support group in the Boston, Massachusetts area that might help me figure out how to be around these family members, without my children suffering the same way I have for the last 30+ years.  I see a NAMI one listed in Lexington MA on Tuesday evenings, although I'm not sure what the primary focus might be, anyone familiar with this group or have any other suggestions?

[Rapt Reader]

Twice in the last four months I have had to literally "escape" the drama by leaving family visits/vacations much early than originally planned since my own young children are being exposed to far too much of it.  I guess that's where I have subconsciously drawn the line in the sand.  At the same time, I do not want my children to see my running away from conflict as a behavior they should adopt when confronted by challenges in their own personal lives, and I don't know how to reverse what they have already witnessed.

I'm looking a family/caregiver support group in the Boston, Massachusetts area that might help me figure out how to be around these family members, without my children suffering the same way I have for the last 30+ years.  I see a NAMI one listed in Lexington MA on Tuesday evenings, although I'm not sure what the primary focus might be, anyone familiar with this group or have any other suggestions?

Hi, Winchymum  & 

I'm so sorry for all of the trauma you are having to deal with regarding your sister and father, and for all the stress and pain it is causing you. It really is sad when we cannot feel safe or happy being with our family members, and there is a real loss felt when we have to distance ourselves and our children when this is the case. You are doing the right thing as a Mom, though, in protecting your kids, and at least you can rest easy in that fact. It still is hard and tough to do, though... .

The family support group you are talking about sounds like a great idea; NAMI is a very respected organization and it sounds like it would be a great thing to look into and attend. Many of us on this site attend some sort of therapy, counseling or support groups to help us with our difficult loved ones; I know that therapy has been a life saver for me and my sanity! I'm happy you are going in this direction and have decided to take care of yourself and your kids first... .At this point it's your highest priority; you can't learn how to deal with your Dad and Sister until you have taken care of you.

Have you had the chance to check out the Articles, Workshops & Videos on this site yet? I've found that reading all I could about what BPD and other PDs actually are, and learning how they affect my loved ones with BPD's minds and emotions, it really helped me get a handle on how to understand them. Then, I learned Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it and the TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth to help me learn how to communicate with my loved ones in a way that didn't push every one of their buttons. When that happened, my loved ones started reacting differently to me, making things between us--and life in general!--so much easier.

You will see in the right-hand side margin of this page many links to wonderful information that can make your life so much better. We can't change our loved ones, but we can change how we understand and deal with them. If you haven't checked these links out yet, I'd start at the top and work my way down. And don't forget the links I gave you above... .You will learn how to take care of yourself, better understand and communicate with your BPD loved ones, and in the end you, your husband and your kids will all be the better for it.

I'm so very happy you have found us, Winchymum... .We are here for you 24/7, with advice, insights and support;  if you tell us more of your story and ask your questions, it really will help