Help please. Should I have contact with her again?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My mom is an uBPD/NPD.  Since my dad died 5 years ago she has tried to ruin my marriage, called CPS on me and said that i was crazy and my husband was abusive, she has called the police on me at least twice and said I have stolen from her.  She has lied about being diagnosed with cancer, lied about getting engaged, lied about her dog dying, false injuries and illnesses time and time again.  She has NO friends and no family in the town she lives in 6 hours from me and several states away from the one sister she has contact with.  I am a compassionate person and understand she is mentally ill and at risk of someone taking advantage of her or hurting her, but my husband and 14 year old daughter now hate her and dont want me to have contact with her anymore.  I am always very stressed when I do have contact and trying to set boundries with her does not work.  They enrage her. Im afraid of what she will do when I do have contct with her and she feels I did not give her enough attention and Im afraid of how she is handling 2 months of no contact right now, is she planning revenge?   I have so much guilt for not taking care of my mom.  I tried to do the EMDR therapy because I would get panic attacks when my phone rang worrying it was CPS again investigating God knows when new fresh batch of lies.  I told my therapist I needed to stsy vigilant for my kids and she said I sounded like the war veterans she worked with afraid to put their guard down.  Today is my mom's birthday and my aunt texted me that my mom said she loved me and wished I would unblock her calls. Im so sad right now.

[losthero]

My mom is an uBPD/NPD.  Since my dad died 5 years ago she has tried to ruin my marriage, called CPS on me and said that i was crazy and my husband was abusive, she has called the police on me at least twice and said I have stolen from her.  She has lied about being diagnosed with cancer, lied about getting engaged, lied about her dog dying, false injuries and illnesses time and time again.  She has NO friends and no family in the town she lives in 6 hours from me and several states away from the one sister she has contact with.  I am a compassionate person and understand she is mentally ill and at risk of someone taking advantage of her or hurting her, but my husband and 14 year old daughter now hate her and dont want me to have contact with her anymore.  I am always very stressed when I do have contact and trying to set boundries with her does not work.  They enrage her. Im afraid of what she will do when I do have contct with her and she feels I did not give her enough attention and Im afraid of how she is handling 2 months of no contact right now, is she planning revenge?   I have so much guilt for not taking care of my mom.  I tried to do the EMDR therapy because I would get panic attacks when my phone rang worrying it was CPS again investigating God knows when new fresh batch of lies.  I told my therapist I needed to stsy vigilant for my kids and she said I sounded like the war veterans she worked with afraid to put their guard down.  Today is my mom's birthday and my aunt texted me that my mom said she loved me and wished I would unblock her calls. Im so sad right now.

[Marcia]

You know, I've been no contact with my elderly mother for two years now. I've been feeling guilty because I just received a "nice note" from her in the mail, that ended with " I miss you."

However, reading your post, reminds me of the chaos that comes with having a relationship with her. My husband and I were accused of " being after her money" when we moved her near us and tried to help her untangle her finances. Among other things, we don't need money, so this was just her way of creating drama and trying to make us "look bad." When she moved herself back to her home town where she has no family and few surviving friends, it was the coup of her lifetime, making us upset and feeling helpless.

2While I certainly have daily doubts, I need to stick up for myself and my family. We don't want to be crazy, emotional wrecks, and that is  the only status available to us with contact with this crazy lady. Like your mother, she'll go to any length to make us miserable and prove how "bad we are."

I'd say, stand up for yourself and your loved ones and avoid the toxic parent. I feel for you, it's a tough one.

[nevermore]

It is a decision that you will have to make but I can only speak for myself. If my mother had called the police on me, tried to ruin my marriage and all of the other things she has done I would not go back into that situation.  Everyone "can" be nice when it suits them. Unfortunately it is usually a means to an end. 

[losthero]

Thank you Marcia and Nevermore. I really needed assurance that I wasnt being mean or evil for not understanding her mental illness.  Its a heartbreaking decision to go no contact with your elderly parent.  So glad people here "get" it. 

[nevermore]

Sending you a private message.

[losthero]

Thank you Nevermore.  I tried to respond to your message but your in box is full.   NC is a heartbreaking decision that im sure everyone doesnt take lightly.  Its so sad that their disease makes them so negative and toxic to ne around for any length of time.