Landmine of Christmas Celebration

[Moonbeam77]

I have been worried about how to approach planning the up coming holidays.  The past couple of Christmas celebrations I have been hosting.  Last year my Father ?NPD had inquired, through my brother, about coming with his uBPD girlfriend and her kids.  I called him said everyone is welcome (I dreaded the thought of inviting the chaos into my own home).  Several days after that my Father calls back.  He is angry, asking if they truly are invited.  I said yes you are truly invited.  He starts cussing and swearing, he was mad at me, he was mad at my sister, he was still mad about his girlfriend not being in more of the wedding pictures from my brother's wedding.  I calmly told him that perhaps he should resolve those hurt feelings issues before everyone gets together for Christmas.  He didn't come to my house for Christmas.  We celebrated Christmas at my house along with my siblings and their families and my in-laws.  It was fun, light hearted, and everyone seemed to have a good time.  My Father, his girlfriend, and kids went to my grandparents house for Christmas.  My Aunt told me my Father made a scene and started yelling at everyone when he realized dinner was not ready to be served when he walked through the door.

Yesterday my Father calls.  He sounds like he is in a good relaxed mood.  He said this year his uBPD girlfriend and him are hosting Christmas at his house.  He was hoping we can all start over.

I tried using the S.E.T. skill that I had just reviewed. 

":)ad I don't want you to be alone, I want someone to be in your life that makes you happy"

":)ad I won't be coming for Christmas, I don't believe I am capable on not offending you or your girlfriend"

":)ad in the past 2 years there has only been 1 visit where I did not receive an angry phone call afterwards"

I know that probably wasn't perfect but I tried.  If you have any feedback that would be great.  With all the raging phone calls I have never asked them to stop or told them how painful they were.  I would just listen and absorb all the negative energy. 

I also told him this time that I feel her abandonment issues is what makes her possessive of him and that she perceives negative things from me because she feels threatened by me (because I am his daughter a woman in his life he may love also).  I said that is why I think I can not offend her.  My Dad said his girlfriend doesn't feel that I accept her.  I told him I don't have control over how she feels or how she perceives my intent.  In the past I would offered to try harder or be nicer or anything to try to make things better.

Overall I felt the conversation went well.  I really desire to have my Father in my life but I can't be a punching bag anymore.  Any feedback would be much appreciated.

[Justme1]

  I can relate to a lot of what you said. My uBPD mom has made scenes at numerous Christmases and family celebrations, and it's gotten to the point where most of us don't celebrate the holidays or any special occasions together.

It's great that you're using the communication skills you've been studying. That's definitely a step in the right direction. After years of just listening to my mom's raging telephone calls and reading 10-paragraph emails, I finally told her that I wanted to have a relationship with her, but as soon as anything negative was said, I'd end the conversation and leave. Of course, she didn't like hearing that, but it definitely helped to reduce the number of negative interactions we had. It showed her that I, too, had a say in our conversations.

There have been points when I've had to cut off all communication for several weeks at a time.

I wish there was a quick fix for this, but as long as we keep standing up for ourselves, we'll be in control of the amount of negative energy our parents can inflict upon us.

Good luck!

[GeekyGirl]

The holidays can bring on many challenges! I think what you said to your father is great. 

I completely understand how you want a peaceful, happy Christmas without any drama. Could you plan something either before or after Christmas with your father and his girlfriend and have the Christmas you'd like to have at your house on Christmas Day? We've done that with my family and it's worked out well.

With all the raging phone calls I have never asked them to stop or told them how painful they were.  I would just listen and absorb all the negative energy. 

That's hard to do, but it can be very empowering to stand up for yourself. What could you say to your dad that lets him know that he's hurting you?

[Moonbeam77]

You are probably right that I should at least stop in for a short celebration after Christmas Day.  I have not actually been to his house since stopping for 2 hours after Christmas Day last year.  Last year I put on a big show of being over the top cheery and of good will.  I intentionally gave the uBPD girlfriend more gifts than anyone else, complimented her cooking, housework and etc.  Bought her kids expensive gifts.  It is the only visit I did not receive an angry phone call afterward (although now I no longer answer phone calls I get from my Father after having a had get together).

I just dread going there.  I feel like I have gotten burned to many times touching the hot stove and I don't want to do it anymore.