Court tomorrow

[spaceace]

I haven't posted in a while. My last court case ended horribly. I had agreed with my BPDw that I would enter into a non communication order. And 2 days before the hearing, she reneged on the wording of the order and pulled it off the table.

There was wording that alluded to domestic violence and there was no domestic violence. Ever.

When I asked to have that wording changed, I was assured by her attorney it would not be a problem. Yet it was for me BPDw.

During this hearing I tried to be heard before the Judge to explain what she did. It was not pretty. The Judge said, what does her pulling it off the table have to do with the domestic violence charges!

At that point, I knew it was best to shut up.

The hearing was rescheduled so I could get an attorney. Which I now have.

What has happened now is this. Part of what we agreed upon was, I would ask my divorce attorney to rescind the divorce paperwork with the courts and in return we would enter into a mutual no contact order. I contacted the attorney and she immediately pulled the paperwork from the courts.

What in essence has happened is, my wife has now gained 6 months of me not filing for divorce and a total of a year and a half of me paying for multiple things in her life. Those payments were part of our agreement instead of spousal support. So in short, I could have been divorced by now, since we have passed the year mark as required by law in my state. Talk about being duped.

But here is the problem. I have a 1 hour hearing tomorrow and I am front and center in the chaotic storm of her life wanting nothing more than to be divorced already. I am going over and over in my head trying to anticipate what could possibly be asked while I am on the stand. I am exhausted from doing this. I just want this over. 1 hour of my life will be in court and yet it seems like I have no peace and cannot break free from thinking about all of this. Thinking about the past. Not even mad or upset about the things she's done to me. I have a major fault where all I can think about and see are the wonderful times I had with her. I am so tired of this merry go round.

Even after the divorce, which I can file on November 1st, I am am so hopeful, with all this court stuff behind me, I can feel normal again. Because right now, I feel as far from normal as a person can feel. And I am just tired of it.

[DreamGirl]

Ah spaceace, I'm sorry you're stuck in this state of limbo.

The finalized divorce does bring this state of closure. It's where you start saying "my ex-wife" instead of "my wife". Even if it's technical, it helps.

Sending you lots of positive vibes for tomorrow. 

[david]

I felt similar in 2007 and part 0f 2008. Ex left in 2007. I went through the stgaes of grief like everyone does. I was angry at times, I felt sorry for her, our kids, and me at times.

Now I accept ex for what she is. The boys and I have a better relationship then we ever did. Thay are S15 and S10. Kids are doing well in school. We have fun together. They talk to me about all their problems, school work , likes and dislikes, etc... I have SS's ( ex's boys from her first marriage). Two are doing real good and I have a great relationship with them. We go on vacation together. We all get along.

Another SS has a substance abuse issue and I believe the same issues as his mom. His mother and him view me as a monster. (that is their word not mine). I am physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive, and on and on. I only communicate with ex through email and still get emails accusing me of all sorts of things. I expect that part to never change.

I am happy and so are our kids when they are with me. They are learning how to deal with their mom when they are with her and I expect in the next few years that they will see less and less of her. I didn't cause it and I can't fix it.

It does get better.

[ForeverDad]

Bring all the documentation you can regarding the support you've been giving her during the case, just in case she asks for spousal support and wants it retroactive.  Courts prefer all the money to be pursuant to orders and just because you made your own arrangements you don't want all that money you sent her way to be considered "gifts" and then you are told to pay support retroactive.

Long term the major issue is any claims of DV she may have made.  They need to be stricken, removed, withdrawn, dismissed, whatever.  You don't want that hanging over your head any longer than absolutely necessary.  At least not in any manner that could be used to build a case against you later or hinder your post-marriage life or work options.

My ex, in an attempt to block my parenting early in my divorce by filing in another court, had filed a harassment case against me in common pleas court and included our son.  Since there was already a divorce case in process, it was straightforward to remove our son from the case due to the jurisdiction of family court.  But my lawyer said the level of proof for harassment claims was low, lawyer said she could say she FELT harassed or FELT fearful however vague and she could walk out with up to five years of 'protection'.  So we settled but with strict terms: son was excluded, no finding of fact was ever determined, I made no admission of guilt, it would end before the end of the year and it was a category of settlement that did not allow extensions.

[spaceace]

Thanks for the reply's and well wishes and thoughts.

Just to be clear, this is strictly a DV case.

This is also a second marriage for us both with no property or children involved. So no worries there.

Even my attorney said, it's ridiculous how easy a person can get a DV against someone by going to a magistrate. And to be further clear, there is nothing in the motion that even speaks to any DV in our relationship. There are silly claims of how I called her repeatedly and texted her when she kicked me out. What triggered the whole affair was when I filed for divorce. 6 months after she kicked me out. She sent me a text and said, if I filed for divorce, she would file a 50b DV complaint against me. And sure enough, she did. Luckily, I have those text messages. And I am hoping it is the saving grace for me with this whole ordeal. 

[Waddams]

She sent me a text and said, if I filed for divorce, she would file a 50b DV complaint against me. And sure enough, she did. Luckily, I have those text messages. And I am hoping it is the saving grace for me with this whole ordeal.

I'm sure the judge will see it for what it is and dismiss it.  Positive thinking! 

I'm beginning to wonder what it takes to get the authorities to file charges for filing false claims in these cases.  Has anyone ever heard of someone that went through Spaceace's issues, won, then high tailed it down to the court office and swore out criminal complaints on their own?

[spaceace]

Just to clarify... .I am not overly worried about the outcome of the case. She cannot put me in jail. Cannot take away my freedom in an way. She cannot affect my custody situation. I have already lost my house to foreclosure, so I cannot lose anything else in that regards.

It's deeper than that stuff. It's the emotional connection that I need broken. I do NOT want to face her in court. We went to numerous (about 20) court cases together, side by side, fighting our exes after we got married. It was literally 2 years of non stop battles and accusations flung at us. And I held her hand throughout it all and she did the same with me. And NOW... .I am facing her? It is so unjust!

Why did she leave in the first place? That has been the overwhelming issue I have struggled with, far too long. And now, when I want a divorce after all of this, she puts me on the stand and claims abuse! The crap I went through trying to maintain a normal relationship with her and her kids was a monumental daily task. Never ending drama and issues.

And just when I think we are over the hump, we are looking to buy a house together, bam... she's gone... she starts a ridiculous fight. I take a time out to allow for a cooling down period, and that was it! That was the last time I have seen her and can call her my wife. That was November 2012.

It has been so heartbreaking and draining. You would think after 3 split ups in a 4 year marriage, it would be old hat. I would get it. It was inevitable. Right?

But it didn't make it easy when she split me black and left the marriage without any indication why. The best I can figure, now being apart for so long, the idea of buying a house together scared her to death. She knew she couldn't do it. At least that is my best guess. She dropped off the face of the earth, moved, changed her number and we have not talked since November 2012. Rather crazy.

And in the end, I really need to be thankful for her doing that. I have no idea how many years would have been taken off my life if I stayed and lived in such a chaotic situation. But to now be facing her in court and under the guise of abuse, it is way too much. I walked on eggshells far too long. I walked away and took a time out every single time she became emotionally dysregulated. This slap in the face is far too much to deal with. Yet, I hope, after tomorrow, with whatever the outcome is, there will be only the pending divorce. Which I will re-file on November 1st. A year and a half after she kicked me out of the house I rented for us.

So in short, we were married 23 months, she left one day while I was at work. We stayed apart for 5 months. I let my house go into foreclosure to pay for her lease break and the rental house. We lived together 9 more months, then she texted me while I was out one night to not come back - she wanted a year separation. And it has now been almost exactly 1.5 years since we have lived together. And exactly a year since we last spoke and saw each other.

Enough is enough.

[ForeverDad]

Be careful about replying to an accusation with "Yes, but... ." or "No, but... ."  The court may hear only the Yes/No part and ignore the crucial explanation.  Follow your lawyer's lead.  Watch your lawyer for pre-arranged signals.  Give your lawyer a little time to object to a question.

[catnap]

It is unjust that you have to face her in court.  One trick is too look slightly left or right of her, not directly at her. 

I'm beginning to wonder what it takes to get the authorities to file charges for filing false claims in these cases.

Pending the outcome which is pretty certain, i would ask your L about having the court order her to pay your legal expenses for filing the false claim.

[ForeverDad]

I'm beginning to wonder what it takes to get the authorities to file charges for filing false claims in these cases.

You might get reimbursed your legal fees, but don't count on it.  Often it doesn't happen, if ever, until you've been to court a few times for ridiculous claims and the judge eventually gets peeved.  Remember that even though for you it's your life, for the judge and lawyers it's more or less just another day at the office.

Be aware that allegations are allowed.  There are seldom consequences (financial or jail time) since (1) court expects both parent to be lying at least some of the time and (2) if the whistle blower faced consequences then the person may not come forward with subsequent allegations.  Remember, court seldom calls a person out as a liar (court-speak: "not credible" and instead just calls it a neutral "unsubstantiated".

[spaceace]

Just a quick update... .

Had the hearing this morning. My wife's attorney spoke with my attorney and we agreed upon 6 months no communication and the case will be dismissed. It is no communication for either of us.

My wife has also agreed to allow the divorce to proceed on November 1st.

It's time to put this to rest. I've done the last 6 months of NC with no problem. Another 6 months is a walk in the park.

I probably could have requested the hearing, but what is the point. I really, more than anything, did not want to face her in court. And I didn't have to. The funny thing, I stopped in a store right across the court house and as I walked out, we walked right past each other. I didn't even recognize her. That was a positive moment in my life. I had zero emotions seeing her.

So next week, my attorney files for divorce and I am a free man from the last 5 years of @ell. It's almost all over. And I am feeling pretty good about life right now.

Thanks for all the reply's.

[DreamGirl]

Phew. Glad that it was handled without too much hassle.

I had to sit in the hallway with my ex right before mediation - that was scheduled for separate rooms. Talk about awkward. Luckily my lawyer showed up pretty quick.

Best of luck in the next steps, spaceace.   

[trappeddad]

congrats space.    good to know there is light at the end of the tunnel

[ForeverDad]

Are there any consequences if the No Contact order is violated?  Is only personal contact restricted or does it also apply to phone calls, emails or texts?  If so, then be very careful not to give her any excuse to claim you didn't abide by the terms.  Be aware too that "But she contacted me first!" may not mean much.  Just in case... .if contact is required or she attempts it, consult your lawyer first for direction.

[spaceace]

ForeverDad,

I am keenly aware of the ramifications of the NC order. She contacted me 2 times, via email over the last 6 months, and I contacted my attorney both times.

As a matter of record, my attorney brought this to her attorney's attention in the pre=trial discussion, and it was the leading factor why we are riding out another 6 months of NC.

I will not contact her. In any way. The sweetest of all things I can do is to live my life with no contact with this woman. Marriage or no marriage, I have already given as much as I can, and that door is closed. I will never give again to a person who systematically went through my life like a tornado and walked away, pointing back at me, I was the problem. So be it. I was the problem, in the sense that I never said "no" enough is enough. I am not taking anymore of this from you!

But now I am saying "no" enough is enough. I have taken back my power and I am living my life exactly as I want and need to.

I do appreciate your words and thoughts.