When Will I Ever Learn...

[Bit Lost]

I am at a loss right now and I am so very confused about everything. I didn't even know BPD even existed until a couple of days ago and I now know this is what my ex boyfriend has when I just thought initially he suffered from anxiety and depression. I will point out I've not seen this man in over a year yet he still remains in my life because I love him still bit I do know myself this is by far a healthy relationship... .

I have had to put up with so much from him, forgiving him for a lot of things he has done and said to me at one point he wished cancer upon me and he hoped I died a slow and painful death. This was back in February he told me that... .so why can't I just erase him out of my life? I wouldn't have put up with this kind of behaviour from anyone before so why am I letting him do this to me? I have tried so hard for him to be there for him to try and be a support network for him when all I get is heartache and abuse. He won't do anything to help himself whatsoever, he won't take any kind of medication as he is so paranoid as to what might be in it. I am a good person with a good heart and he constantly tells me I am the bad one and the manipulator in the relationship, I get told this all the time and sometimes I do end up thinking maybe it is me, I know deep down it isn't but when you get told you are time and time again I guess you end up starting to believe it a little bit.

I've not even gone into work today as I am a total mess as once again he's telling me how bad I am as a person. He will probably come back in a few days and apologise like he usually does and said he didn't mean it and that he was just angry.

This is how it has been for the last year or so, just going round in a constant cycle and I Ned some help and support to know how to break it before he breaks me... .