Helpful words from my therapist

[Tracy500]

I was talking to my therapist about my BF's STBX w/BPD.  I never have contact with her, but it's like watching a movie where the bad guy keeps getting away with things over and over again.

I was telling my therapist about a meeting that my BF and his stbx had where he brought up topics and she twisted them around or completely changed the facts about what happened.  For example, she was asked to leave a family therapy session and now claims that she chose to leave. She claimed that he never asked her to get a job (a ridiculous lie.  He frequently worked two jobs because she wouldn't get one).  She also says that my BF is jealous of her new boyfriend (also a ridiculous lie for reasons too numerous to mention here).   

My therapist said, "That's psychotic!  Not in the biological way of psychosis, but it's psychotic behavior.  She live's purely in her own world.  She constructs her own world without any data.  She makes decisions solely based on herself."

Constructing her own world without any data is a profound way to put it for me.  It makes her behavior make "sense" in a way.  If you know that she never uses any data to construct her world, you realize that nothing you say or do will make any difference and that you may as well stop trying.  It makes it so much easier to disengage.  I shared all of this with my BF and this is what stood out to him as well.  He and I talked about different situations and this way of thinking made everything so much clearer. 

I talked to him about her rough childhood and how no one deserved that.  He replied, "People can have rough lives and come out all kinds of ways.  They don't have to be abusers."

I told him that I just wanted someone to say it was okay for me to hate her.  He said, "That's what I'm trying to say.  It's okay to hate her.  She's a b!tch.  Her level of self deception is staggering!  It's almost like you can say to yourself, 'Take your nutty thoughts and your stupid life and get outta my way!'" 

It was so gratifying.  He knows I would never say these things to her, but it's fun to carry them around in my head!

Her and other people with BPD level of self deception IS staggering... .

[Moonbeam77]

Thanks so much for your post!  Intellectually I understand the concept that people with BPD makes the facts match their emotions but I have such a hard time applying the knowledge.  I think my father might be a NPD but he is dating/engaged to a uBPD.  His girlfriend has accused my sister of cussing her out, my sister-in-law of also cussing her out, and she accuses me of bullying her.  Her latest accusation is that at my Grandfather's funeral this girlfriend kept trying to hug my Aunt and my Aunt was not into it and told her "Please I just don't want to be touched right now".  The girlfriend accused my Aunt of hurting her and giving her a bruise while hugging.   I was there, all my Aunt did was stiffen up and try to back away.  Every time an accusation is made my Father then will angrily confront whoever was the perpetrator.  My Aunt is the most sweet gentle person I don't understand how anyone could believe the girlfriend's story.  I have such a hard time not thinking I can fix my family's problems by being nicer, kinder, more understanding, or by saying or doing the right thing.

I think you are right in that many of us need to hear "it is okay for me to hate her."     

[foodie]

It is indeed freeing to hear that!  I often struggle with those thoughts myself and feeling so guilty that I "hate" my own mother. 

[Dogwoody]

Hi!

These words you say are very helpful to me.

Constructing her own world without any data is a profound way to put it for me.  It makes her behavior make "sense" in a way.  If you know that she never uses any data to construct her world, you realize that nothing you say or do will make any difference and that you may as well stop trying.  It makes it so much easier to disengage.

I am going to do my very best to remember them.