Break NC? Trying to move on but she's hovering

[betterman]

My xBPDgf contacted me at work, I did not know it was her on the line until I picked up... .  I kept the call under a mintue as she asked for a few items back, I said I'd mail them then I hung up.  She asked me why I've been ignoring her to which I did not answer... .On my end I've kept NC but she keeps trying to call me, my work, or my family... .

I'm going to send her her things but I want to include a typed note, keep it short no emotions... .I want to say "this is the last of your stuff, I need space, this breakup was a good idea, we are over."

Then I'd like to block her number but I don't know if this will drive her to reach out to others around me more, or dont include the note, or dont block her?... .

Anyone have any similar situations before? She seems to be in a calm mode towards me as of now.

[Ironmanrises]

Do not include a note.

She will use it against you... .

Later on.

Send her stuff back... .

Minus the note.

That will send the message... .

In the clearest of ways.

Stick to your NC.

She will try again.

Hang in there.

[betterman]

I wouldn't be taking any power back from the breakup if I set clear boundaries and agreed that the breakup was a good thing?  What about blocking her number, I know once she gets her stuff she'll text me, if its blocked she'll text/call others... .Jus need her to back off, way off.

[Ironmanrises]

Any kind of contact with her... .

Will erode your power base.

It will allow manipulations... .

To flow in.

You do not want that.

You can block her number... .

Or make sure to not respond... .

At all if you do not block it.

[betterman]

Thank you Ironmanfalls, I agree with you, I was having a daylong moment ... .  I was able to tell her on the phone that this is the last of her **** that I have at my house.  Had no idea she was on the phone at first when she called my work, I had to ask 3 times who it was bc I didn't recognize her voice.  I made people aware not to pass me the phone anymore and not to respond to her either.

[ThanksForPlaying]

I'm going to send her her things but I want to include a typed note, keep it short no emotions... .I want to say "this is the last of your stuff, I need space, this breakup was a good idea, we are over."

Then I'd like to block her number but I don't know if this will drive her to reach out to others around me more, or dont include the note, or dont block her?... .

Anyone have any similar situations before? She seems to be in a calm mode towards me as of now.

Did she ask for her stuff?  BPDs sometimes don't want their stuff because they want to forget the whole thing.  Or sometimes they want to leave it as a way to always have a string tied to you. I did the "sendback", then she came right back over a week later and moved the same boxes back in, then left again in a bigger breakup than before.  I'm currently gathering stuff for sendback #2, and it won't be coming back again.

I think sending it back makes sense. Do what you want, but I would say don't write the note.  Ask yourself what the note would accomplish.

I would also lean toward not blocking her, but that depends how good you are at NC.  If you can stay NC without blocking, go for it.  I feel like blocking is us reacting to them, and I don't want her to have that power.  It does feel like a dagger when she texts, but gives me a chance to gauge where I am in my recovery.

[fromheeltoheal]

You guys left it a certain way when you broke up.  The important thing is to not move backwards.  If you feel an obligation to return her stuff you should, and whether you say anything and how you say it is up to you, just make sure you don't give any indication that you want to continue some sort of communication.  Unless you do of course, no contact is a tool for you to use to detach, but maybe you don't want to entirely detach, up to you, although borderlines tend to harbor reunion fantasies with all their exes, it's never really over for them, and if you give her an inch, she might try and take a mile.  The contact attempts are indicative of something, probably an attempt to soothe.  Take care of you.

[betterman]

Yes, she did ask for her things back, just a few articles of clothing... .At first she asked me for shoe's that she knew that I did not have, think she just wanted a response from me... .I will be good at not contacting her if she contacts me, I just don't like when a few days go by and I'm feeling better, then she says something hurtful on purpose... .I've blocked her on social media tho, that was a must ... .

I do like what you say about not blocking her number, that is a good way to look at it, and I will not include the note now... .And I was there before when I packed up all her stuff, gave it back, then it slowly came back again, it's maddening.

[betterman]

@fromheeltoheal (I like the name btw)... .  When we broke up the last thing I said was "I promise not to bother you and I'll leave you alone"  and I meant it, and she just said "okay"... .  Then over the course of the past 3 weeks she's tried to contact me hundreds of times literally... .and I contacted her zero times... .  She caught me off guard at work on the phone but I kept it short, no emotion and I was the one to hang up the phone... .I just want it to end I need space from her and her life, it's weird to admit but I fear what she'll do next to try and engage me... .I believe I am the first ex of hers NOT to play the game of "oh I miss you, please talk to me" game, I just disappeared and she keeps asking why I'm ignoring her... .I think it should be obvious

[fromheeltoheal]

@fromheeltoheal (I like the name btw)... . When we broke up the last thing I said was "I promise not to bother you and I'll leave you alone"  and I meant it, and she just said "okay"... . Then over the course of the past 3 weeks she's tried to contact me hundreds of times literally... .and I contacted her zero times... . She caught me off guard at work on the phone but I kept it short, no emotion and I was the one to hang up the phone... .I just want it to end I need space from her and her life, it's weird to admit but I fear what she'll do next to try and engage me... .I believe I am the first ex of hers NOT to play the game of "oh I miss you, please talk to me" game, I just disappeared and she keeps asking why I'm ignoring her... .I think it should be obvious

The push/pull nature of the disorder causes a borderline to freak out when we leave, even though it could have been hell before we do; it is not rational, and stems from the abandonment trauma and subsequent depression they never went through as tots.  What you're getting is an extinction burst, and if you cave just one bit, it could be off to the races again.  You sound strong in your resolve, and if you do stand firm, she'll end up respecting you for it, and a borderline doesn't get over those quickly, even with rebound relationships.  Take care of you.

[betterman]

So you're saying even tho she'll respect me for not being the type to cave in and cater to her and respond back to her she won't get over me quickly?  As in she'll try harder or different avenues to reach out/contact me?

[fromheeltoheal]

It's an extinction burst, a burst of contact attempts, but if you don't respond she will stop trying eventually, either that or you will need a restraining order. 

The analogy I've heard is that of a slot machine, where if it never pays off someone will stop trying, but if it pays off once in a hundred tries, folks keep trying; same with borderline reward.

Someone posted an 'interview' with a borderline the other day, who said she respects the men who stand up to her, call her on her sht, and leave her, and those are the hardest to get over.  Meaning bouncing from wimp to wimp was like a walk in the park, apparently.

[Smiler]

I must say that if I ignore my udBPDxgf she goes harder at me.  If I am polite but firm it gives me some weeks of respite... .

[betterman]

So this could go either way, it's such a mind ****.  I have a feeling she'll text me tomorrow after she receives her mail package.  Good thing I'll be out over a buddy's house so I'll have some extra support... .

I'm working REALLY hard to get my mind to a spot that I don't care what she texts me, I need to become Zen like in my resolve with her, and in the future if I run into another BPD GF again... .

Paranoia has set in a bit since we use to work together, if she'll show up to work functions and mischief night is right around the corner, hope she doesn't go down that route.

[fromheeltoheal]

So this could go either way, it's such a mind ****.  I have a feeling she'll text me tomorrow after she receives her mail package.  Good thing I'll be out over a buddy's house so I'll have some extra support... .

I'm working REALLY hard to get my mind to a spot that I don't care what she texts me, I need to become Zen like in my resolve with her, and in the future if I run into another BPD GF again... .

Paranoia has set in a bit since we use to work together, if she'll show up to work functions and mischief night is right around the corner, hope she doesn't go down that route.

If the texts bother you, don't read them, or better yet, block then so you don't get them.  No contact is a tool, but if there's a possibility you'll run into her and that would be uncomfortable and something you'd avoid, maybe that isn't the best tact; you to decide.

[strikeforce]

So you're saying even tho she'll respect me for not being the type to cave in and cater to her and respond back to her she won't get over me quickly?  As in she'll try harder or different avenues to reach out/contact me?

IMO the answer is yes.

If I was begging and pleading to get back she would delete my number and disappear no doubt.

Since I am doing exactly what your doing i.e. not caring and NC, she will try harder.

I got told to delete her number and that she was gone forever. I said ''ok then, take care''

She noticed me on a dating website and freaked out big style. She knew I was moving on, she couldn't take that.

Now she contacts me as often as she can. I still maintain NC.

You really need to block her number and any other means she has of contact, and not to worry about what she might do.

[strikeforce]

On a side note I will say that NC is pushed my many relationship experts as a sure way of getting an ex back.

I know that's not what we do NC for but just to give you an idea that NC, even with a BPD, IMO makes them try harder at getting back - for the wrong reasons of course.

[betterman]

Last night I blocked her number on my iphone... .As far as I understand to her it'll look like I got her messages but I'll never have to deal with them... .I have a vacation coming up and I don't want her to get in my head before then... .Thank you everyone for your support and advice, this is all still new to me, I never knew BPD was a "thing."

[BlackOrWhite]

Last night I blocked her number on my iphone... .As far as I understand to her it'll look like I got her messages but I'll never have to deal with them... .I have a vacation coming up and I don't want her to get in my head before then... .Thank you everyone for your support and advice, this is all still new to me, I never knew BPD was a "thing."

I think what will happen is it'll be green instead of blue. The few txt she sends will says sent as a tex and than it'll just be green.

She may figure this out and rage at you. Unless she doesn't have an iphone. Just saying.

[bruisedbattered]

Thank God for this site.  Im now nc day 6, and feel stronger everyday.   She txted me 3 times on Day 2 trying to lure me in with friends with benefits lingo... etc...    I never replied, and last night she txted me Neil young quotes, which she knows I love Neil Young.     I hope she gets the point sooner than later as Ive read lots of horror stories on this board, and thankful it is here for support.   Not only was she abusive mentally, but also physically attacked me in public resulting in her being taken away in an ambulance to get meds at hospital.   im worried she will start stalking me... .  trying to stay optimistic.   NO CONTACT.   

[betterman]

She has an iphone as well, I tried it using my brothers iphone with the new update and I shouldn't get any of her texts but to her it will say that it was delivered.  If she calls I won't know, but if she leaves a message it will go to my blocked voice-mail box, which I have to check bc it will not alert you... .

I got a feeling she is one to ramp up her actions and find another way to contact me since my resolve is unshakable... .

@bruisedbattered, keep up the NC you are strong and it works to help heal your mind, it will be hard but you can get through it, we are all here for you... .I love Neil Young as well, he's one of my favorites... .she's trying to hit you through your emotions sending you lyrics/quotes, don't feed into it, show her that you're strong and you're your own man, I had verbal abuse from my ex gf, no kind of abuse is acceptable, keep posting on here on the boards there is good people here who understand who will help you make it through the rough patches.