redecorating the house and BPD h

[Silkroad]

we live in a pit. Although we bought this house 4 years ago, most things we have are terribly old and tacky, mostly bought second hand or given to us. Now we have 2 children S4 and D8months. My dream was to, slowly decorate each room the way i want and make it look nice as we own the house, which we both thought was the most important thing to begin with. My BPD h leaves things everywhere in the house and if i move sth or if he cannot find his stuff he gets mad. In the beginning i thought it was all my fault really, but now and i am very much aware of this being a dysfunction and my plan of having a nice house will never happen. He doesnt want/like to do any house work, work less than 30h a week so is at home a lot, and have regular meetings in the evenings in our living room (church meetings) i get really embarrassed because of the way it looks, but every single move i try and make a major problem arises. He doesnt like to get people to fix anything in the house and doesnt fix anything either. (maybe he likes people to see his 'poor' house and have pit on him?)

one example:Our fence was very old and he tried to replace it himself. He took 4 months to finish (only 10 meters long and one side) and what was a nice docked patio is a pit. He really doesnt think it looks bad. I tried to remove some broken wood from the sides, and he got it back from the rubbish bin outside and put it where it was. (it was about 5 months ago)So horrible of him but i didnt make it sound as if it was a big deal, just left it and it is still there outside almost after a year. It is a bit dangerous for the children, but i just go out with them mostly, rather then enjoying our little patio.

I am saying all this because he wants (we both want really) to put a woodburner in the fire place , and it would require some work. I felt really excited about it as it would be so cosy and warm, but he left it all for me to deal with, as any project we endeavour together. I am trying to ring few people to get a survey, but i am so afraid of his outbursts.

I need to change furniture around, buy new things, specially for our daughter but i am afraid he is going to get into a bad mood and not help me at all. Then he would complain about 'men' coming in his house to get furniture removed and so on, he is very 'sexist'.

It is all so frustrating, so unpredictable... how to we keep living like this?

( i am complaining but he has been good for a few weeks and just lashes out here and there, but I am surviving)

Shall i just go on and try to get the wood burner done and go through his moods or forget it and create an excuse not to have it to avoid the problem? What would you choose?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[froggy]

I waited 4 years for him to make a decision on a new fridge... .I went last week and just finally got one... he griped a lot that it was too big... I should have done this or that... .I say let let him know what your doing... try to keep him in the loop ... if you can afford it get it done... I still have to just get my wood stove... .he's going to complain either way

[AnitaL]

I agree, just go ahead and plan to do it on your own.  We have portable window air conditioners that have to be carried up from the basement and installed each summer.  At first I used to try to get my uBPDH to help me with them because they are very heavy, but instead of helping it would just trigger him going into a rage about how if we only lived in the place he wants to live, we wouldn't need them.  I learned my lesson and no longer ask him for help.  When it starts to get too hot, I just do it myself, very slowly and one step at a time.  Occasionally he feels guilty and tells me (usually rudely) to get out of the way, he'll just do it himself.  I step aside and let him, because I know this is as good as it's going to get in this situation.  Last summer when we had a terrible heat wave and my two daughters needed an A/C unit for their room, I just went ahead and bought it and installed it after telling him I was going to do so for their health/safety.  He was glad once it was done and agreed it was necessary.  A side benefit is that it builds my own confidence to know I can take care of these things myself.  Maybe after handling the wood burner, then try to tackle one small project at a time?

[Silkroad]

Thanks froggy and Anital

I will try and keep him in the loop... .Although i will have to face loads of hassle to get it installed(the wood burner stove), at least it will enable me to have sth at home that i really like and may help my self esteem, especially coping with the winter months. In fact we had a technician coming on Friday to have a look and tell us prices and stuff. My H knew he was coming but was having his afternoon nap(he has most days while i look after the kids) he normally goes out to work early evenings or around 10ish. So, he overheard the guy arriving and came down stairs. I think it was a good think him seeing the guy, so now he is more relaxed to let me deal with all and not be bothering me about who comes to the house, as I might try and get 2 more quotes to choose from.

He was away for 2 days in a retreat from the church with the young people he works with, just arrived today. He has been nice and chatty, but its all about him of course! it never crossed his mind to thank me  for looking after 2 under 5's on my own for 2 days and a half... .but this is life with a BPD, no empathy at all... .

I will try and tackle one small project at a time, Anital, maybe it gives some hope of seeing some change. I still want to post about him changing careers. But it will require me to sit here with a bit more time to explain it all, and get some insight from you all. thank you.

[SoftLanding]

I can identify with this issue.  A few years ago, I moved in with my uBPDbf.  He owns his mobile home.  He's also a borderline hoarder.  The home is full of things/junk he thinks he *might* need someday "when stuff hits the fan."  Drawers and cabinets are full of things that we never use.  It was really difficult even finding a place for my clothes and personal items. I couldn't bring any of my furniture and ended up giving it to family. There's only a certain amount of square footage here and no storage space.  Rooms are overflowing and it's hard to clean or organize at all. It's not like things are stacked to the ceiling so far, but there is no decorating to be done.  He does very little as far as cleaning goes, even though he is retired.  I work 40 hours a week and then do all the chores around the house except for the cooking.  He once overheard his ex tell a friend that he's so lazy he won't even cook a meal.  That stuck with him and now it's basically all he will do.  And anytime I ask him to help me with anything, it's what he uses as an excuse to say no.  For example if I ask him if he can get the dishes into the dishwasher while I do something else, he says "Well, I cooked dinner and made sure you were fed, I shouldn't have to do the dishes."

When I tell him my plans for fixing up the place, he says it will have to wait until we get a bigger place.  We're never going to get a bigger place.  We can barely keep up with the bills the way it is.  He retired early and got a small pension and has no intention of supplementing it by working.  I might eventually make more money, but that remains to be seen.  In the meanwhile, he expects to win the lottery or get some kind of windfall that will make all his dreams come true.

[Silkroad]

Thanks softlanding for sharing some of your experiences. Your partner at least cook, mine doesn't move a finger. He is always tired, because he WORKS, and i am a stay at home mum loking after 2 unders 5's. Its so frustrating. I think i will wait until the children are both at school and hire a skip and throw all the rubbish(old furniture, broken things he never fixes and so on) and face a long silence treatment. I am almost changing my mind regarising the wood burner anyway, as all the people i have tried to get a quote from are very busy this time of the year. Maybe it is a sign... but It would make my mood better... .any way, i will wait and see...

[lena7]

Silkroad, you're not alone. My h doesn't do anything either. He just takes his clothes off and leaves them wherever. I've been going through the same experiences you went through with the fence. My h was also diagnosed with ADHD, and I suspect he's either bipolar just plain manic. He's constantly "doing" something, but he concerns himself with thing that are an utter waste of time and are not productive; and in the meantime he leaves a trail of the stuff he uses anywhere in the house.

I gave up years ago, but being the tidy person I've always been, I'm miserable and depressed because of all the mess. I know exactly how you feel.