Halloween and our BPDs

[Samuel S.]

Here we are. It is the night that kids come around to different homes with their costumes on in order to collect their candy, because it is Halloween. Indeed, we nonBPDs have been tricked, treated, loved, and abused by our SOs with their masks at first. Now, they wear their masks usually when they are not around us, but they most assuredly will take off their masks in front of us to reveal their real identities. So, the irony of Halloween is that our BPDs most certainly wore their masks in front of us, only now to wear them when they are not around us and will continuously bombard us with ugliness. I am also reminded of a Rod Sterling Twilight episode where a dying man asks his inheritors to wear ugly looking masks until he dies. He dies, his mask is taken off, and he is the same. It is only the others who take off their masks only to reveal their ugliness.

[Samuel S.]

Also, had I known that my BPDw was a fake by wearing her mask which she now admits, I would not have married her 12 years ago this Sunday. I recently got her some CDs containing music and a card; yet, our anniversary seems almost meaningless. She spends most of her time away from me with her studies at school, with her studies at our place, with her work, and with her extra activities. I have never hurt her. I have only loved her. I have supported her. I have validated her. I have given so much, because I thought she was the joy of my life. In actuality, she is the hell of my life. Ironically, she complained about her first husband being out so much and not being a part of the family on a regular basis. When I brought that up a while back, she said sheunderstood the need to be away and that I just need to accept it. In a way, while she is going through her mid-life crisis at 52, she is hurting me, because she is hurt. 

[123Phoebe]

Aw Samuel, the emotional pain you're experiencing can be felt through your words; I'm so sorry you're hurting.

I apologize for not being familiar with your situation, so forgive me if this has already been asked and addressed... .

Do you have hobbies that bring you joy outside of your relationship?  I'm talking things that get you revved up and energized about?  Is there anything that you've always wanted to do, just haven't yet for whatever reason?  Maybe now would be a good time to get involved in something spectacular for yourself?

The irony is, is that when we begin to take 'our' lives seriously, put our happiness and worthwhile-ness on the front burner, the pwBPD in our lives stand up and take notice.  It's pretty uncanny how this works.

The beauty is, we're just being ourselves... .finally   And when we're being ourselves, the behaviors of our loved ones kinda loses its impact.  It's easier to address issues when we're coming from a place of strength and confidence.

I hope that what I'm saying makes some sort of sense.

I can't believe you brought up that Twilight Zone episode!  It is one of my all time faves!  That and Talking Tina and do you remember the one with Billy Mummy?  "You're a bad man and I'm going to wish you out to the corn field"   I could go on and on about The Twilight Zone... .

[Samuel S.]

123Phoebe, thank you for your post. Yes, I am going through a lot of emotional pain, and it has been like this for quite some time now, because my BPDw, before her studies, would always be busy with this and that, being out of the house. Even on her days off, she was off doing things instead of being with her daughter and with me. She was inspired to do her own thing, because she was never allowed to do so with her parents and with her first husband. I am much different than her first husband in the sense that she deserves to do things she wants to do, but she has gone to the extreme which she freely admits.

As for things that I do outside the house, indeed, I do a lot, like teaching, tutoring, giving workshops, and writing books, including a 4th one being available in the early Spring. There's another book that may be published in late 2014 when and if I get that done. These things are my escape to normalcy, involving myself with people with hearts and souls. There is a lot of listening and talking, and that is why I am able to help out a lot. Yet, I didn't do most of what I am doing now when she and I were a couple having quality time together. Seeing she doesn't want to be close, I am doing these things, and they do give me true joy. It is only during the weekends when she MAY be around, that she is focused on her studies, and that is when I feel really alone and depressed.

In some ways, she is glad for me and for what I am doing, but she is so extremely focused on herself, that I am just an afterthought. Seeing that I am 17 years older than she is, I am realistic that I will probably die before she will. That will be the time when she really can kick herself in the butt. Of course, if I ever get the courage to leave and if I ever have enough energy to leave, that will happen. If not, I feel stuck emotionally and quite honestly financially.

As for Rod Serling, he was the best, and I could see all of his episodes over and over again due to the heart, the intelligence, and the wisdom he had selected for the viewing audience.