Good advise?

[Elsegundo]

I read back on the old posts and they seem to have more functional advise grounded I healthy thinking.  So much goes on on this site that isn't healthy and also isn't checked by advisors.  What gives?

[GreenMango]

Hi Else

If there are any "glaring red flags" thread we would like to hear about it.  There's the report to moderator link in each post.

Being a member and volunteer organisation the site runs on members looking out for things.  Staff can't do it alone and we aprreciate any help in this area...

You have a great point about the functional advise and healthy thinking.  Is there a particular thread, workshop, or lesson that you would like to promote?

GM

PS. Here's the terms of service, or the site guidelines, on posting and how we operate if anyone missed them.  I know I briefly skimmed them and hit "ok" when joining. https://bpdfamily.com/content/terms-service

[Elsegundo]

Thanks Green Mango. I appreciate what you voluntarily do, and grasp the limitations of such roles.  I am thankful that glaring res flags are the priority, and that other red flags may or may not be attendees to with the same focus.  My concern is in the latter, where a proliferation of unhealthy "us v. Them" occurs, calling BPDs vampires and such, as a form of dealing while in denial.  I don't suggest moving anyone beyond their stage of grief, but I am concerned about the subtle validation of unhealthy views that occurs.  We could in fact, in those instances, as a community, be making each other worse, which isn't anyone's intention.   I also acknowledge that advisors are in their healing stages too, and may have "dealt" wirh currently repetitive topics times before. Is there a remedy?

[Lady31]

I think that because this is a public forum, and none of us are in a Therapist/Patient role with each other, it should be left alone.  The posters on these boards are not therapists, and are therefore not qualified nor in a position to really govern how others decide to deal with their feelings/grief.

Also, with all the psycho babble out there, some is fact and helpful, and others are straight up opinions.  Some methods work for some and some not for others.

I think if someone wants to call their ex a vampire that is their right.  If they don't want to deal with it in another way - that is their right.  As long as the material posted is not abusive to other posters, it should be left alone.

And any person(s) trying to come in and "decide" whether someone else is healthy or not and govern how things "should be" should not be allowed to do that.

Just my humble opinion of course.

So many of us (me included) can read a bunch of the material, learn the lingo - and think we are the psycho babble gurus. 

I say - "Hey, teacher - leave them kids alone."

[GreenMango]

The solution could possibly be talking about it.

This forum serves a vast audience.  It's not only the Leaving Board.  We have members that are in active relationships, whether it's a spouse, child or other family member.  Addressing the us vs. them is important because we want this to be a welcoming place for all our members.

On Leaving we do tend have members come here at first hurt and the grief is raw.  We also tend to have more bashing here which we try to balance.  There's a big difference between being heard and communicating those feelings and co-ruminating & bashing - which tends to make for a negative environment.  From our guidelines it's called centering - "one of the important roles we all have is to help “center” others, not pile on or inflame emotional unrest".  

From experience the staff has noticed once that negativity takes root it tends to alienate other members, the majority of threads can become bashing threads and little healing gets done.  It's a great place to get stuck - when it's really a phase we try to move through if we want to heal.  Like the phase of Grief: PERSPECTIVES: The Five Stages of Grieving a Relationship Loss

One of guidelines addresses the general blanket statements about people with BPD.  Many leaving members are coming here on the heels of abuse or other trauma and that anger at the abuser is understandable.  One of the ways to address it keep the statements and thoughts personally specific to the ex because not all people with BPD are the same.  There's the clinical criteria that defines the disorder - it can present in a variety of ways depending on the individual and environment.

None of us are therapists here.  Most of the material is from clinicians and professionals.  We do try to foster a healing environment and we are governed by Honcode and our guidelines.