Contacting me again after a year

[FindPeace]

My uBPDexgf and I broke up a year ago. After a consistently escalating smear campaign that one would only expect from a bad soap opera, I was left with one dear friend and a lot of ex pals who I never should have let in my life in the first place. I am finally in a pretty good place.

And now she's trying to contact me. I have gotten a few emails and texts in the past month and a half. While I was in the process of blocking her email and phone number in order to enforce NC, I found that she also emailed me eight months after we broke up, apologizing for some minor irrelevant behavior she engaged in a week after we broke up. Nothing about her years of abuse, of course.

Anyway. I am re reading Splitting. I remember reading that BPs do this. I hope the book helps. I dont want to have anything to do with this cruel woman any more and am upset that i probably now have to brace myself for escalating attempts at contact on her part.

Any advice or experiences any of you have had, I would be grateful to hear.

I hoped the nightmare was over. Now I worry it isnt. Should I break NC to tell her to stop contacting me, then resume NC?

[KE151]

Sounds like a painful and confusing situation. I have a similar experience with my BPDexgf(queen). After i dumped her cheating and lying butt she smeared me to my parents, sister, friends, colleagues at work and 160 people on Facebook. Only weeks later she sends love texts and emails that I'm the only true love in her life and we are meant to be. She still continues to this day to fish me back with similar msgs, about every 5-6 weeks.

There is no way to explain or understand BPD behaviors. We just have to come to the acceptance that they are emotionally disabled, severely sick people. And then get on with our lives.

Don't break NC, it will do no good, and only set you back.

[Learning_curve74]

In general, it seems like most pwBPD like the drama. And to be honest, some of us nons who stayed too long enjoyed the drama too.

If you don't feel like talking to her, then your best bet is to be boring and just ignore her. Even a non BPD person might get offended if you told them never to contact them and might come back at you with a "who the heck do you think you are telling me what to do" kind of response. If you simply don't reply, then she will probably just give up eventually if not immediately.

She probably knows a lot of people, let her troll that pond instead of taking the bait.

If you're in a good place, don't leave it. 

[Aussie0zborn]

If you're in a good place, don't leave it.

No need to contact her to tell her not to contact you again.  Ignoring her would say it much louder than you ever could. 

[Ironmanrises]

FiNPDeace... .

That person... .

Will only... .

Hurt you again.

Stay NC.

[bewildered2]

I agree with Ironmanfalls.

If you contact her then the result will be more pain for you.

That is what happens with a borderline.

They cause people pain.

Is that what you want?

b2

[FindPeace]

I agree. Thanks for reminding me, everyone. I was starting to think that since I haven't actually said "don't contact me again" that I was being unfair, but that doesn't matter. Protecting myself does.

I'm starting to worry about harrassment. I saw an email from her to an account that I hadn't blocked her from yet and she had said she would stop contacting me if I asked her to, but that of I didn't say something then she would keep trying to contact me. She's just lookong dor an opening and wouldn't honor my wishes though.  Anyway now she has emailed me at work, which I never thought to block. She's blocked here too now. This is starting to really bother me.

Since I cant tell her to go away, how can I get her to stop?

[FindPeace]

Wondering if I should start a new thread-

Her new boyfriend works for the same company I do. If she is saying that she is going to keep trying to get in touch with me (it's under the guise of just wanting coffee and I don't buy that) and has exhausted all online and phone possibilities, then I'm wondering if she will come to work with him and show up at my desk. Under normal circumstances I'd say that sounded paranoid, but she's already emailed me at work, and this is a Borderline, therefore the situation is not normal.

[bewildered2]

just play your game, which is called No Contact.

she will play hers, you can be sure of that. she might dangle new guy in front of you, and you in front of him... .all to get a reaction... .and remember also that it is all about her and not about you or new guy.

she doesn't care who she hurts as long as she gets attention. and if she needs to hurt you or new guy in order to get attention, then she will.

she is not stable. so she will not act in a stable way.

sorry, but that's the way it is, and this is the price you have to pay for getting involved with her.

but don't worry... .the clearer your message is to her that you will not re-engage with her, the sooner she will give up and go looking for easier meat.

b2   

[babyducks]

FindPeace 


The constant contact can be pretty agitating and disturbing can't it?

My EX has gone to some pretty astonishing lengths to keep me in her life.  I swear only a borderline would do this.  Without going into the details I wasn't in a situation to go completely NC.

I took Skip's advice which was:

A person with this level of volatility shouldn't be messed with - for her well being and your own.  The best thing is to not initiate contact but be respectful and kind when she contacts you... .don't engage in anything emotional.

I understood "messed with" to mean do not pour any more emotion into an already emotional situation.

And I don't reach for "kind" when she contacts me, which she does in public places at least once or twice a week,... I am civil, maybe even cordial but try to be as disinterested as I can be.

Civil but Disinterested.   Which is hard to do because she still tugs at my heart strings.   I still miss her.  I still long to hear how she is doing and what is going on in her life.   The farthest I am willing to go is to ask about the cat.   

I find its perfectly acceptable to say things like "I need to be alone with my thoughts" and walk away.  Let her try and figure out what the heck that means.   Its just wicked hard to do that.   

And frankly its hard to do that "perfectly".  I have the tendency to slip and show too much interest in where she is and what she is doing.   Its a pain in the butt.  I am regularly in public venues and my schedule is easy to track.  She shows up and frequently sits next to me.  I do not want to create a scene in a pubic place, so will nod say hi and try to move away.  If I can't move away because the event has started then I try for Civil but Disinterested.   

What is true for me is there no real right way/wrong way to deal with this.   Any action I take or don't take she pretty quickly finds a way to counteract.   

What I can do is be true to myself and my own feelings.   I do what feels natural for me, while being mindful that a serious mental illness and some emotional damage exists.   I don't want to hurt either of us any more than we have been, and I don't feel comfortable seeing her.  That's my bottom line.   

Find your bottom line and stick to it.

take care of yourself

babyducks

[peas]

My EX has gone to some pretty astonishing lengths to keep me in her life.  I swear only a borderline would do this. 

Not all borderlines. Mine has been silent since we agreed to NC three months ago.