Coping

[Stamp]

Here's the situation.  My uBPD partner has a lot of trouble with being emotional in any way.  Yesterday a good friend of mine died.  We had known he was dying, but it's still a shock.  I told her he had died and we immediately had to go to her parents' house for dinner so she gave me a hug and we said nothing more about it, pretended it did not happen, until the drive home.  I still had not said anything, but she said the following -

':)o yourself a favor and don't get online because news of 'X' death is all over the internet, and you know how badly you do with handling death, you should just try to stay off the computer until it goes away so you don't lose it.'

I asked her what she meant about me being bad at handling death and her response was that when someone close to me died I tended to cry and grieve and want to be held and taken care of, and that she did not think this was a healthy response, and also that in the past when someone very close to me had died I had leaned on her for support and that she did not want that to happen again.  I was floored, what she was describing seems to me to be a normal grieving process.  She made it very clear that she did not want to be any part of it, and that she would lose it if I got emotional.  I think that this is because it's really hard for her to accept things she can't control.

Interestingly, when her nephew died a couple years ago, I was with her round the clock for several weeks while she bounced from one emotion to another, and I let her grief lead the way, just did whatever I could to console her and take care of her, and she has always thanked me for doing such a good job.  She just does not think that I should act the way she acts.

So I am trying to grieve privately, I want, above all, to keep the peace with her because we had a really rough couple of months and the last four days have been argument free, I need to hold onto that.  But it's really hard, a close friend died and I can't even cry about it in front of her.  As some of you know, my partner and I run a business together, so I can't exactly go somewhere else either today... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SoftLanding]

So sorry for your loss Stamp.  I'm sad for you that you can't get any comfort from the person closest to you, even though you've been on the giving end in the past.  I've been through the same thing recently.  It's so much harder to work through the grief stages when you can't express yourself freely.  Do you have other people that you can talk to?  In my case, I really don't and I went to a grief counselor to help me work it out.  It helped some I think.

[Stamp]

Thanks.  Yes, my friends have been super supportive.  I would love to be able to get out of here and go see a friend just to cry on their shoulder, but today's not a good day for that, neither is tomorrow.  Will have to wait until Wednesday.  I am struggling to find a balance.  It is so nice that we have calm now after some really bad times, but at what cost?

[Mono No Aware]

Long before I found out about BPD I learned that an important aspect of any human relationship is Expectations.

If either person's expectations do not align with the other person's behavior then problems develop.

We nons naturally expect our partners to fulfill their end of the compact of mutual support. We expect them to be able, willing, and enthusiastic about loving us back to the same boundless degree with which we love them... .it's a core concept for any significant long-term romantic life-partner relationship.

But here we are on the internet, seeking what solace we can from each other, commiserating our eerily similar and emotionally terrible situations. Because they can't love us back like we love them. They cannot fulfill that expectation.

Maybe we're being Split Black - just scanning thread titles in this section after being away for a week I see new threads on the same old topic.

Maybe we're being Cold Shouldered - because they shut down as a defense mechanism to avoid the emotional requirements they cannot meet- to be a shoulder to cry on like you need, rather than being the usual victim/black hole of attention that is their default mode.

I cope by coming here and reading the lessons, and clumsily trying to put them into practice.

I also cope by adjusting my expectations to match current reality.

I expect to be the one pouring attention, love, and support into the black hole - and in return I expect nothing but being split black and/or being cold-shouldered. An important part of doing this and remaining in the Staying and Improving mode is a lot of personal work on being Non-Judgmental, of not considering the concept of 'blame', and realizing that some things you cannot change. Bend like the reed under the wind, for the wind dies away before it comes again.

[LifeIsBeautiful]

Hi Stamp, I can relate in a different way. When I told my uBPDw about my problems at work and how I can't cope with her being the way she is, she said to deal with it or quit, as I shouldn't add to her own stresses. My fault for not being prepared for that kind of response, even from BPDer. It's her counter attack, since I didn't approve of her behavior and feelings when she deregulates, why should she support mind. I would say don't deny your own feelings (I'm telling that to myself), you don't need permission to grieve, and if anyone does not like it, it's their problem not yours. Accept what she said, and don't take it personally and let it mess up your own feelings. For sure it's not not easy to do, but we have to take care of ourselves.

[waverider]

Do what you feel is fit for you. If that makes her uncomfortable that is her stuff. Conversely dont put any expectations on her to be anything other than she is.

You are right, fear of lack of control is a big part of the disorder. It is different for all, but the principle is part of the all or nothing aspect of BPD

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Stamp,

I see you've gotten some good advice already, so I just wanted to say I'm so sorry for your loss