I get to talk to people again

[emotionaholic]

I have been realizing lately how nice it is to be able to talk to people without fear of a reaction from the BPDex.  For 3 years I had grown so fearful of the backlash I would get if I engaged with people, especially women, that I stopped talking to strangers.  You know the waitress that served you, the checkout clerk, or the person waiting in line at the bank.  Since the final split months ago I get to walk in public and look people in the eye and simply say hello.  Hell yes for NC!

[eyvindr]

Amen, EA!

I was never afraid of it, but I knew it would come, one way or another -- which was enough to kind of take the joy out of this otherwise simple, natural and innocent human interaction.

I have been realizing lately how nice it is to be able to talk to people without fear of a reaction from the BPDex.  For 3 years I had grown so fearful of the backlash I would get if I engaged with people, especially women, that I stopped talking to strangers.  You know the waitress that served you, the checkout clerk, or the person waiting in line at the bank.  Since the final split months ago I get to walk in public and look people in the eye and simply say hello.  Hell yes for NC!

Nice to be friendly again!

[Bit Lost]

I have always been a friendly person to everyone and my ex always used to get highly jealous if I spoke to any males, especially on Facebook. I had never known anyone to get as infuriated as him even to the point of me explaining that these people I were writing to had been friends of mine for a lot of years. He could never grasp the concept of having friends of the opposite sex if there hadn't been other ulterior motives behind it. Needless to say after a jealous rage of his he somehow hacked into my Facebook wreaking havoc, deleting people who he thought were a threat to him,  reading past messages, looking to see if I had been chatting up any men (which I hadn't!) even writing to people pretending to be me, trying to make out if we had ever done anything sexual... .like I would forget something like that! One of my friends got wise to who it was writing and my ex got very abusive towards him, I didn't have any knowledge of this conversation until a few weeks after when I realised my ex had deleted him from my friends list and my friend copied and pasted the whole conversation to me... .it was shocking! I should've got rid of him then and there really but I didn't... .more fool me! Anyway, I have never stopped talking to my male friends, that's his tough luck I'm afraid. I can talk to whom I like when I like, like I used to have to explain to him time and time again... .these people are my friends, not my boyfriend, I'm not in love with them and I am entitled to have these people in my life regardless of what sex they are. When I started my new job also he would ask me how many men I worked with etc and that I'd probably end up going out with one of them or I'd end up having sex with some of them!

[beguya]

God, as a woman that has got to be so unattractive to you, I mean people are attracted to security and confidence right.

I know what you mean original poster: it is very nice to be able to talk to random people without Having to worry about a fight or many late hours of talking and rage, over saying high to a former classmate.  In a wierd way it is flattering at first isn't it, that you can have this emotional effect on someone.

[Bit Lost]

Yes Beguya you are right there... .at first it's kind of cute that it seems that they just want to protect you, a little bit of jealousy is fine, I'm fine with that, I even get a little bit jealous, that's normal and natural but to be completely taken up by it and you get accused that you must've done something with this person or you are flirting with that person however isn't, especially like you said if it's someone you knew at school etc... .

[Aw511]

I am so grateful too that i get to talk to people again, including my two best friends (who happen to be male) without getting emotionally abused/accused of being inappropriate with.  i hate that i drifted away from them during my relationship, since THEY are the ones who truly love me unconditionally, and who bring me up when i'm down, and who bring me pizzas when i cry, and answer my lonely texts at 3am... .NEVER AGAIN... .

[eyvindr]

So familiar... .

I have always been a friendly person to everyone and my ex always used to get highly jealous if I spoke to any males, especially on Facebook. I had never known anyone to get as infuriated as him even to the point of me explaining that these people I were writing to had been friends of mine for a lot of years. He could never grasp the concept of having friends of the opposite sex if there hadn't been other ulterior motives behind it... .I should've got rid of him then and there really but I didn't... .more fool me!... .I used to have to explain to him time and time again... .these people are my friends, not my boyfriend, I'm not in love with them and I am entitled to have these people in my life regardless of what sex they are. When I started my new job also he would ask me how many men I worked with etc and that I'd probably end up going out with one of them or I'd end up having sex with some of them!

I went through this Same. Exact. Annoying. Sh*t. with my ex -- only difference was that I'm the guy. At one point, I agreed to defriend an ex-gf (not a serious r-ship, but we dated for a few months) because my ex made such a HUGE stink about how "wrong" it was for us to still be "connected" on FB, and how "disrespectful" it was to her -- so I cut off this person, who had become a friend of mine after we'd stopped seeing each other. But I knew I had to establish some boundaries here, or it would never end. So, ion my part, I told my ex I'd do this -- but that going forward we would agree that there would be no mindless grief about silly FB issues! Of course, she agreed -- and then dropped her end of the bargain as soon as she decided something else was going on that bothered her. To this day, she still refers to me being on FB interacting with other people as one of the "most hurtful things" I "did" to her during our entire r-ship.

SO second grade!

[allweareisallweare]

The jealousy wreaked from her, the exBPDgf extended to me being forced to cut off ties with a female friend - who I reconciled with the moment we split, and told the BPDex so too, just so they knew that they couldn't spoil friendship...

[Oracle]

My expwBPDbf  told me that the men friends I had on facebook were orbitors, I had never heard of this phrase before, he told me they were men waiting in the sidelines to have sex with me when his back was turned ?.  Never mind that these men were happily married and showed pics on their fb of wives and kids.

It is soo nice to be able to look ahead in the street instead of at my feet all the time

[GreenMango]

BPD aside irrational jealousy and rampant insecurity from a partner is a huge issue.  Obviously it gets worse when you the types of fears a person with BPD has into the mix.

 

being forced to cut off ties

I was never forced to cut ties.  Punished if I didn't would be a better description for me. 

What I've learned is that capitulating and going against my better judgement with regards to a well rounded healthy social circle didn't make it better - it made the problem worse.  Family and friends are important.  And if a person has these types of insecurities it makes for a rocky relationship and isolating myself to make someone else feel better never really fixed that.  It doesn't fix those problems because at the end of the day it wasn't an us problem.*  And its a long haul with a partner who has these insecurities.

* the clause in that is being respectful to your partner and not inducing jealousy games etc.


From the Jealousy workshop for stayers. 

How to handle a jealous partner who is also BPD?

Jealousy creates a very hostile and uncomfortable environment, for both people. Each one suffers, though in different ways. Trying to stop it before it gets out of control is very important, since once it becomes an ingrained part of the relationship, it is very difficult and slow to change. Research shows much of the jealousy amongst couples stems from a lack of security in the relationship. With a fear of abandonment at the core of many who suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder, this can become a real issue for their partners to deal with. The BPD doesn’t feel confident about their partners love, so they constantly look for clues to reassure themselves. They ask too many questions. They call too often to check up on their significant other. They often even make outrageous accusations from the most innocent encounters. This puts the loved one in a real bind. How do they handle these pleas and demands for reassurance, when they feel they are doing nothing wrong?

The BPD is saying, in essence, that they aren’t comfortable with something the partner is doing. Yet many times the accusation is based on scanty knowledge, incorrect interpretations, and make-believe beliefs. The BP wants reassurance and changes to make them feel better NOW, but to do that, the partner ends up changing so much that they lose a part of themselves in the process.

This is how the cycle works: the BPD feels anxious or insecure about the partner and they express it as jealousy and ask for change. The partner, wanting to be accommodating and helpful, makes the adjustment. Now the BP feels better, but soon enough, the green monster rears its head, and the BP again looks for relief by asking for more change. It becomes like an addiction. Something the BP needs to feel better about themselves. The more the partner adjusts and changes, the better the BP feels. Meanwhile, the poor partner is left feeling controlled and attacked for doing nothing wrong.  But the problem isn’t really stemming from the partners behavior (in most cases), it is coming from the BP’s own insecurities, so eventually, no amount of change will ever fully satisfy the demands of the BP and quickly the BP feels like the partner isn’t doing enough to make them feel better.  Round and round it goes, getting worse and worse and worse, and making each person feel miserable with each other.

One of the things that many partners do when they feel pressured and harassed by frequent phone calls and questions from the BP, is to start to avoid answering the phone and dodging questions as much as possible. The partner starts to conceal and withhold thoughts, feelings, and other info also. It is natural to react this way, since you are trying to establish some areas of freedom and independence. Unfortunately, this secrecy and avoidance can backfire, in actually making the BP even more suspicious of your intentions, thus making things worse instead of better. A fear of abandonment is at the core of the BP’s problems, so withholding and avoidance triggers them into defense mode.

First, as hard as this may seem, you need to ask yourself “is there any justification for the jealousy?” Are you dressing in ways to attract attention? Do you frequently talk to strangers of the opposite sex? Are you evasive and secretive about some of your activities (even if you feel justified)? Did you maybe stand a little too close to an opposite sex friend? Did you flirt and laugh too much, while ignoring your partner? Are you acting like you are still single, instead of part of a couple? If any of these apply, then fix those problems first.

If you answered no, then the problem most likely isn’t you, it’s your partners. So how do you handle a problem that isn’t yours? Why should it be your responsibility to fix it? Because if you really care about the relationship, then getting it into a healthier state is crucial for the long term success you are seeking. If you don’t think you can, or you don’t think you should have to, then do nothing, and the relationship is doomed to die from anger, distrust, and jealousy.

[One step]

My boyfriend didn't let me see my friends. He was jelous of them... .But he also had a drinking problem. Anyhow, I found comfort in www.codependencyinfo.blogspot.se/. Maybe it can help someone else... .

[TwoCents]

@Oracle... ."orbiters" is a term from a masculine focused approach to interpersonal relationships.  It refers to men who remain passively friends with a woman, not so much out of authentic friendship, but solely because they want to ultimately sleep with her.  It is a mildly derogatory reference.  Do a web search on "pick up artist", PUA, or TheRedPill to inform yourself but be prepared to read some things that may not sit well with you.  But it may also be very informative.

[BlackOrWhite]

I feel like BPD's do this cause they usual constantly cheat and there for so does everyone else.

Also with such distrust of the opposite sex and their sexuality it seems like sexual violation has more than likely happened to them to think everyone is so evil and sexual focused.

I think it's sad and shocking. That is something that def needs to be innerly fixed.

[GreenMango]

As a support website BPD family focuses on healthy interaction and ways to grow, heal, or mature in our relationships.

Each board is different in the support information.  As in staying focuses more on learning new savvy communication tools and ways to rebuild self while Leaving focuses on healing from the breakup, making sense of things, and growing to have healthier relationships.

The material here comes from peer reviewed clinicans and professionals in the mental health field.

Two cents you bring up a good point about the PUA lessons.  Many if those website foster a "game" like mentality with push pull dynamics, tearing down self esteem to gain access to sexual conquests.  Its primarily geared for men but this dynamic isn't solely practiced by men.  It smacks if the very dynamic that many here feel traumatized by regardless if gender. Most people don't want to be emotionally manipulated.

My advice when seeking outside support, where ever you find it, is to vet it.  This goes for blogs, paying for PUA coaching, pseudo therapy etc.

Here's a thread on reliable websites and how to find healthy support:

Well Respected Resources

Also for the senior members (+50 posts) the Taking Personal Inventory board has feature threads that focus on making moves personally that help to rebuild after a dysfunctional relationship.  Which helps so you don't find yourself in another one.