My BPDw's previous, continuous losses and now selfish gains

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My BPDw indeed has had her share of continuous losses before she met me. Her mother physically and verbally abused her. She got married to a guy who expected her to be very traditional and rarely considered her opinions. Their seven year old daughter died from West Nile Virus about fifteen years ago. They got divorced. She married me. I shared with her that I love her for her, that she deserves to be respected and to be validated. I practice that every day with her. She and I have gone through all kinds of traditional and non-traditional therapies, some of which has helped and some not so much. For the past five years, seeing that she is getting counseling from a so-called therapist, she has gone from being helpless to helping herself to the extreme. She works. She is going to school to pursue another career. She studies at work and at home exclusively. She will spend a total of two minutes each day with me. She has been verbally and emotionally abusive with me now. Ironic, don't you think?

Considering all of the above, it makes me a lonely guy personally. I frankly believe that she cannot stand any more losses. So, she focuses exclusively on herself to the extreme, and she freely admits that she is being extreme.

I do have my joys in my professional life with teaching, tutoring, giving workshops. I would give all that up in a heart beat, if to have a more personal relationship with my own BPDw.

Today, while she is studying all day today, I am going out of town. I am seeing a movie called "About Love". I am putting some flowers on my parents' grave site who would have had their 70th anniversary several days from now, just to say happy anniversary.

Oh yes, my BPDw and I have our 12th anniversary tomorrow. I bought her a card and some CDs, but I truly do suspect she has forgotten. Even if she hasn't, it will be to give me something and to return to her studies for the rest of the day. She told me she has tests next week.

Indeed, my BPDw's previous, continuous losses have resulted in selfish gains to the extreme!  :'(

[Samuel S.]

My BPDw indeed has had her share of continuous losses before she met me. Her mother physically and verbally abused her. She got married to a guy who expected her to be very traditional and rarely considered her opinions. Their seven year old daughter died from West Nile Virus about fifteen years ago. They got divorced. She married me. I shared with her that I love her for her, that she deserves to be respected and to be validated. I practice that every day with her. She and I have gone through all kinds of traditional and non-traditional therapies, some of which has helped and some not so much. For the past five years, seeing that she is getting counseling from a so-called therapist, she has gone from being helpless to helping herself to the extreme. She works. She is going to school to pursue another career. She studies at work and at home exclusively. She will spend a total of two minutes each day with me. She has been verbally and emotionally abusive with me now. Ironic, don't you think?

Considering all of the above, it makes me a lonely guy personally. I frankly believe that she cannot stand any more losses. So, she focuses exclusively on herself to the extreme, and she freely admits that she is being extreme.

I do have my joys in my professional life with teaching, tutoring, giving workshops. I would give all that up in a heart beat, if to have a more personal relationship with my own BPDw.

Today, while she is studying all day today, I am going out of town. I am seeing a movie called "About Love". I am putting some flowers on my parents' grave site who would have had their 70th anniversary several days from now, just to say happy anniversary.

Oh yes, my BPDw and I have our 12th anniversary tomorrow. I bought her a card and some CDs, but I truly do suspect she has forgotten. Even if she hasn't, it will be to give me something and to return to her studies for the rest of the day. She told me she has tests next week.

Indeed, my BPDw's previous, continuous losses have resulted in selfish gains to the extreme!  :'(

[Inside]

Samuel,

Wow, twelve years… after only 2.5 (including disconnects) …you should be giving advice to me.  But here’s what stood out to me:

“For the past five years, seeing that she is getting counseling from a so-called therapist, she has gone from being helpless to helping herself to the extreme.”

Sounds like classic BPD Black & White thinking; either she’s inept or incapable – or she’s all-powerful and invincible?  I lost my longtime wife to a ‘so-called therapist.’  No BPD but serious anxiety, her ‘therapy’ lasted 6 years!  I never met the woman but it played out as if she’d begun blaming me for my wife’s condition.  Marriage ended, I ended up with our two children (she left us), she’s since remarried ... .and is beginning to fall apart with another nice guy…  Anyway, do we ever know what kind of militant thoughts or blame is being aimed at us when not invited or involved in such therapy sessions   

“She has been verbally and emotionally abusive with me now.”  

Are you no longer her savior?  Has she been informed she no longer needs you?  :)id she have that much in common with you to begin with or was she mirroring your interests and desires?  It seems there's a public persona they work equally, if not harder to maintain than their private lives.  What others think has always been far more important with my uBPDgf than what ‘I’ think.  If you’re no longer on her imaginary pedestal, perhaps she’s beginning to blame you for her feelings of self hate, as if you’ve held her back?  

“I would give all that up in a heart beat, if to have a more personal relationship with my own BPDw.”

I know the feeling, and what’s transpired for you over 12 years feels very close to what I’ve experienced in a far shorter time.  I’ve concluded ‘lack of self’ is why mine can’t maintain.  Though she maintains a façade to the world she’s only revealed her inner anger to me and her closest (if few) family members.  It’s like I’ve seen the ‘real her,’ and she can’t ‘take it back.’  I know her, and she’s come to resent that.  Perhaps both our BPD’s are out to re-invent themselves and no longer want us as reminders of who they really are.  Your wife may be planning or envisioning a ‘jump’ to another social realm and is attempting to shake you in order to make a cleaner break.  

“So, she focuses exclusively on herself to the extreme, and she freely admits that she is being extreme.”

The main thing that led to the current and most recent demise with my uBPDgf is how little time she’d spend with me.  We live apart, so time together (at least to me) was golden.  Where I have always made time with her my priority, she’s deferred to previous relationships and group activities over me.  I’ve come to understand, with her unstable history, and she’s admitted as much, that she keeps alive these other relationships to have somewhere to go when ‘it’s over’ between us.  And it’s been ‘over’ quite often.  Could your wife be making plans toward it being over... ?

“Indeed, my BPDw's previous, continuous losses have resulted in selfish gains to the extreme!”

…but twelve years…  Has she had episodes or behavior like this before?  I’ve read many times how ‘selfish’ BPD’s are … if not simply incapable of empathizing with others, in this case, you.  It’s like we see them for who they really are, yet actually love them despite their flaws.  …this gets so speculative...  They view themselves as severely flawed, then likely look to blame.  With only ‘us’ left in their lives – we’re blamed.  They hate themselves yet take it out on us... ?  And the more we do for them or the more capable we appear – the deeper their resentment toward us for having the strength they lack... ?  So they periodically attempt to flush us from their lives in a desperate attempt to wipe the slate clean and begin anew... ?  Is your BPDw in the process the cleaning the ‘chalkboard?’  If so, is there anything you can do to redirect her misguided aspirations?  And is there anything you can do to protect yourself from her implosion and your further loss?  Is her recent treatment of you ‘her way’ of letting you know she’s looking to move on?

Don’t get blindsided as I did with my longtime wife…  it’s beyond painful.  If nothing else, you’ve come to a good place …as I hope further contributions will better inform both of us

[Samuel S.]

Inside, thank you for your post. Are you sure your BPD and my BPD are doing this on purpose and are learning from one another? It seems so. It's just that a BPD is a BPD, no matter what.

Wow, now that yours is remarried and falling apart, let's hope that she's learning her lesson. Otherwise, she is just going to rationalize her life away.

Yeah, I think some so-called therapists have their own personal agendas that they try to impose on their clients, which is totally unfair, especially when they don't hear both sides of the story.

A friend of mine told me just last night that she thinks that my BPDw is using me and that it would be too painful for me to divorce mine. Yeah, she is right. I have also believed that where there is life, there is hope. Yet, seeing that I have experienced this emotional rollercoaster ride for 12 years, that it seems that she never seems to want to be really close.

Mine is not blaming me now, but she did previously. Now, she is focusing so much on her outer activities, that she has no time to focus on blaming me. Mind you, I am not perfect, but I believe in the beauty of everyone and that they deserve to be respected with dignity.

Yeah, you might be right that our BPDs are planning their escape to another social realm. My friend last night said that if my BPDw were to find someone else, that she would drop me. Sadly, I think she is right. My friend has been like a sister to me for the last 50 years.

We had our 12th anniversary today. She gave me a mini-iPad which I am starting to get used to, and I gave her some CDs for meditation and with music. It turns out that she had originally bought the mini-iPad for her daughter 4 months ago. Her daughter doesn't want it, because she is about to go to college and wants a regular computer. So, instead of returning it and seeing that I have an iPhone and desktop, she gave it to me. While I appreciate it a lot, she said it would be my anniversary gift, birthday gift in a couple of weeks, and my Christmas gift combined. I can appreciate that a lot, due to the expense of it. She said that she would go out to lunch with me later this week after her classes. So, today, she continued with her studies, I fooled around with the mini-iPad to get it working, and I went out to see a movie.

While all this is a very positive gesture on my BPDw's part, I have seen so many highs and so many lows with her. I just don't know if I can trust her. The only thing I can trust is that she gave me the mini-iPad.

Inside, what do you do to keep your sanity, now that you folks are apart? Also, how are your kids feeling? Are you folks talking with one another more so and being able to communicate better as a result? By the way, I have an acronym for the word "communicate": count on me means you and I can actively talk effectively."

Take care, Inside, and I hope to hear from you soon.