Grieving: She was my first true love

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

 Last night was an anniversary of the night I really fell for her two years ago. But the r/s was brief and didn't quite make a year. This has brought up some grieving for me.

Love found me late in life - at 56. Before that I had been a workaholic and alcoholic. I got sober and met this wonderful woman or so I thought. I was convinced she was my "one". She was gorgeous, intelligent and had a beautiful spirituality.

I have read that BPDs often connect with men like me, guys without much experience in r/s's and vulnerable. Guys that don't understand what is acceptable r/s behavior is and with a unfulfilled need to love and be loved.

I see things more clearly now after the breakup and a year of NC. I see now that the r/s really didn't have much of a chance. She was "counter-dependent" and I was codependent. She would feel engulfed and pull away - I would feel abandonment - a classic push/pull r/s. I recall recognizing this early on and reading up on it. The literature said these r/s's didn't last. I knew we were swimming upstream but I was determined to make it work ... .it didn't.

My bafflement, anger and resentments are gone. What is left now is sadness looking at the reality. Neither of us could not really behave as adults in a r/s. We were both wounded in our childhoods - she was seriously abused and I was somewhat neglected. Neither of us had healed from these early wounds and we brought them into our adult lives. We both wanted and deserved love but we didn't know how to make it work.

But despite the sadness I am grateful - my year with her opened my heart to both indescribable joy and pain.  I think relationships with BPD's have the power to transform a person (or ruin them). The year with her was like a 10 year r/s. It was the year following that I have started my healing from my childhood wounds. I see now what is involved in healthy r/s's.

Who knows - she might have been my one shot at love or maybe not. I am no longer in charge of outcomes. The one thing I do know is that I am more fully human now - more able to give and receive love and it all starts with loving myself.


Brent

[nolisan]

 Last night was an anniversary of the night I really fell for her two years ago. But the r/s was brief and didn't quite make a year. This has brought up some grieving for me.

Love found me late in life - at 56. Before that I had been a workaholic and alcoholic. I got sober and met this wonderful woman or so I thought. I was convinced she was my "one". She was gorgeous, intelligent and had a beautiful spirituality.

I have read that BPDs often connect with men like me, guys without much experience in r/s's and vulnerable. Guys that don't understand what is acceptable r/s behavior is and with a unfulfilled need to love and be loved.

I see things more clearly now after the breakup and a year of NC. I see now that the r/s really didn't have much of a chance. She was "counter-dependent" and I was codependent. She would feel engulfed and pull away - I would feel abandonment - a classic push/pull r/s. I recall recognizing this early on and reading up on it. The literature said these r/s's didn't last. I knew we were swimming upstream but I was determined to make it work ... .it didn't.

My bafflement, anger and resentments are gone. What is left now is sadness looking at the reality. Neither of us could not really behave as adults in a r/s. We were both wounded in our childhoods - she was seriously abused and I was somewhat neglected. Neither of us had healed from these early wounds and we brought them into our adult lives. We both wanted and deserved love but we didn't know how to make it work.

But despite the sadness I am grateful - my year with her opened my heart to both indescribable joy and pain.  I think relationships with BPD's have the power to transform a person (or ruin them). The year with her was like a 10 year r/s. It was the year following that I have started my healing from my childhood wounds. I see now what is involved in healthy r/s's.

Who knows - she might have been my one shot at love or maybe not. I am no longer in charge of outcomes. The one thing I do know is that I am more fully human now - more able to give and receive love and it all starts with loving myself.


Brent

[findingmyselfagain]

Brent,

It's good to hear you're moving forward. My situation was pretty similar to yours though I was 30 when I met mine. Also my first "true love" experience. I was also definitely vulnerable and naive about r/s's. I chalked up the friction to my lack or relationship skills. Really I probably am a much better listener and much kinder than she deserved. I deserved a lot better, too. I'm beginning to see the r/s more clearly as a gift to wake me up. Doesn't it feel nice to know yourself and feel good about truly living your own life?

[allweareisallweare]

My BPD relationship was my first - sure, it was love but it imploded - like the sun exploding now there's nothing at all there, no heat, no light, no energy!

So I didn't have much relationship experience, BUT everything in my life - which has been quite a weighted dice - I've fought for, been determined about. I applied that in that r/s so I didn't feel out of depth - and now, as you all know, a BPD relationship is fighting a losing battle - the more you love, the more you dig in, the harder it becomes because you're fighting an illness which is corrosive.

What I will say is that since then, I feel I have got the experience -that I gained it in the deep end, and that I can apply it to a new r/s and help that to grow. I know for an absolute fact what a difficult relationship is and I operated within it for 5 and a half years. We don't get medals - we don't get much from this breakups, but we DO get the experience to carry forward and try to convert a negative into a positive and be happy and find love and forget our BPD, which is all we deserve.

Findingmyself ... .it's my own life and I am living it, but... .I am very unhappy atm - I just get the impression that tbh Borderlines get to relationship two or three where it could be close to bona fide love - it takes someone really good-hearted and kind and empathetic to provide it - oh, they still throw it away, but how I know is because of the members on here, I can tell there's a lot of people who are just too good with all the traits to conquer the world and the BPD latched on to that, leeched of it, and then slithered away when it became too much, leaving us to recover and thus we lose some of our shine and spark and mojo... .and become tired and weary and sad... .but we'll get by.

[Surnia]

Hi Nolisan

I really like your posts and the wisdom behind, the acceptance and insight. So great to have your here on the Leaving board.

But despite the sadness I am grateful - my year with her opened my heart to both indescribable joy and pain.  I think relationships with BPD's have the power to transform a person (or ruin them). The year with her was like a 10 year r/s. It was the year following that I have started my healing from my childhood wounds. I see now what is involved in healthy r/s's.

With tears