Tired of trying to feel sorry for her

[Tracy500]

I know that my BF's soon to be ex w/BPD did not deserve the childhood she had and that it made her the awful person that she is.  I try to feel sorry for her for that, but I'm just tired from trying. 

This cruel, nasty woman has treated my BF horrifically and thrown a few disgusting insults my way as well.  She has used her kids as pawns and lies as easily as she breathes.  She is a deplorable human being. 

Is anyone else tired of feeling sorry for people with BPD?  How can you sustain it when all they do is cause you pain?

Do we have to feel sorry for them?  I'm exhausted from saying, "Well, just keep wearing the Wonder Woman bracelets to deflect what she's saying and consider the source." 

Honestly, I just wish she'd go into the witness protection program so we'd never have to see her again.

[Santa Clara]

This is a difficult question that I also have trouble with.  But what I have learnt is that it is totally ok to be anrgry with someone and feel whatever you are feeling.  Better to feel it than repress it and force an emotion because you think you should.  It doesnt mean you have to act on feeling anger, or whatever emotion it is, but I am learning (or trying to learn) that it is ok to feel whatever you feel (especially if someone is being abusive!).

Good luck!

[Taolady]

Tracy, I think the key word in your post is "trying". I'm guessing that other emotions come much more naturally (anger, frustration, resignation, etc.) and you don't have to try to have them- they're just there. I "tried" with my mother for a long time, but it was really out of guilt or the idea I "should" do it. It wasn't natural. Now, years later, when I have been able to set acceptable boundaries and have gotten some relief from limited contact, the idea of having compassion has come creeping in. And let me tell you, it was a complete surprise that I could ever have a positive feeling for her. It was actually rather nice. Now that I don't feel so pressured to conform to society's idea of what a "good" daughter should do, and am taking care of myself, the compassion comes effortlessly- once in awhile. Not that I don't have some weariness from trying, but it's much less. I would say take care of yourself, and let the compassion come when (if) it will. Good luck.

[GeekyGirl]

Someone who grew up with a parent with BPD is likely to be angry and have some serious issues with the BPD parent. There often are a lot of emotional scars and deep emotional wounds to deal with when you've grown up with a parent with BPD.

That said, you can feel empathy for someone and be angry with him/her at the same time. I would imagine that someone with BPD struggles with some pretty intense feelings, and while I can be angry with my mother, I can feel empathy for her as she struggles. Her world is not a happy place.

I can understand why you're frustrated, Tracy500. It must be hard to see your BF's ex treat him and his children badly. Does your BF stand up for himself and his children?

[Tracy500]

Yes.  He does stand up for himself and his children.  He's still learning to set boundaries since he didn't have any for so many years, but he's getting much better at it.  I think that she gets under my skin way more than she gets under his.  He has a zen sort of attitude about it most of the time which I believe serves him well. 

I journaled about my feelings around her and came up with the fact that she has just been too cruel to me to feel sorry for her and I'm tired of using up energy trying to get to a point where I feel sorry for her.  I guess I want "permission" to feel the anger and disgust that I feel.  The compassionate part of me feels like I should find some compassion somewhere but she has been so mean that I just can't dredge it up.  I feel guilty because I can't feel the compassion that I think I should feel. 

My fantasy is that someone would just say to me, "Of course you can't feel compassion for her.  She's a b!tch."

[NeedAdvice]

IMHO it is just fine to move beyond the "compassion" for her background.

The cruelty and evil acts that some of the afflicted do not have to be accepted. The pain that they can inflict is brutal. The fact of the matter is that you cannot do anything to stop them.

I think your fantasy is just fine. After all, there is no point in feeling compassion for those who are incapable of feeling compassion for others.

Just my 2 cents!

[musicfan42]

The Dalai Lama has this saying that if you can't help people, at least don't hurt them. I mentioned this before here on the forum... I think it's realistic. It's okay not to like this woman... .to feel strong emotions over this issue.

[GeekyGirl]

I guess I want "permission" to feel the anger and disgust that I feel.  The compassionate part of me feels like I should find some compassion somewhere but she has been so mean that I just can't dredge it up.  I feel guilty because I can't feel the compassion that I think I should feel. 

Feelings aren't wrong--they are what they are. It is hard to feel compassion for someone that you feel is so hurtful and disruptive. You don't have to feel a certain way. What's more important is what you do with those feelings. You can be angry with her and not feel compassion for her, but you can choose how you react to her.

The Dalai Lama has this saying that if you can't help people, at least don't hurt them.

Love this.

[Tracy500]

Tracy, I think the key word in your post is "trying".

Feelings aren't wrong--they are what they are.

One of the remnants of my emotionally abusive marriage is the fact that I always feel like I have to justify my feelings - I had to do it for so many years with my ex.

After all, there is no point in feeling compassion for those who are incapable of feeling compassion for others.

I spoke to my therapist yesterday and he said kind of the same thing.  He said, "You having compassion for her doesn't matter.  It doesn't change anything in the whole situation.  You never talk to her and avoid her.  It isn't useful to feel guilty.  It doesn't make sense in the whole scheme of things."

The Dalai Lama has this saying that if you can't help people, at least don't hurt them. I mentioned this before here on the forum... I think it's realistic. It's okay not to like this woman... .to feel strong emotions over this issue.

Very helpful.  I wouldn't ever set out to hurt her, though I have given information/books to my boyfriend regarding how to see through her abusive ways.  Ultimately, I guess that hurts her because she can't manipulate him and situations like she would want.  But I'm completely okay with that!  I have no problem teaching people how to stop being hurt by abusers.

Thank you all so much for taking time to respond to me.  It always means so much when people will take time out of their day to share their thoughts.

I was telling my therapist about a meeting that my BF and his stbx had where he brought up topics and she twisted them around or completely changed the facts about what happened.  He said, "That's psychotic!  Not in the biological way of psychosis, but it's psychotic behavior.  She live's purely in her own world.  She constructs her own world without any data.  She makes decisions solely based on herself."

Constructing her own world without any data is a profound way to put it for me.  It makes her behavior make "sense" in a way.  If you know that she never uses any data to construct her world, you realize that nothing you say or do will make any difference and that you may as well stop trying.  It makes it so much easier to disengage.  I shared all of this with my BF and this is what stood out to him as well.  He and I talked about different situations and this way of thinking made everything so much clearer.  As I'm writing, I think I may post this info from my therapist on another post as well.

I talked to him about her rough childhood and how no one deserved that.  He replied, "People can have rough lives and come out all kinds of ways."

I told him that I just wanted someone to say it was okay for me to hate her.  He said, "That's what I'm trying to say.  It's okay to hate her.  She's a b!tch.  Her level of self deception is staggering!  It's almost like you can say to yourself, 'Take your nutty thoughts and your stupid life and get outta my way!'" 

It was so gratifying.  He knows I would never say these things to her, but it's fun to carry them around in my head!

[mother in law]

I know just how you feel Tracy 500, I sometimes feel very guilty that I do not feel sorry for her but am  totally fed up with my ex DiL's nasty and abusive behaviour alot of it directed at me. I sometimes want to say to people that yes while she has mental health issues  she is really a nasty abusive person and I wish she would just go away. Political correctness stops me but those thoughts go round and round in my brain, and in my book abuse of another is not made acceptable because you have a diagnosis of mental illness. I guess what I am saying is yes there are others who feel like you but the majority of society will never understand add they never have to deal with such appalling behaviour. It has made me feel a bit better to know I am not alone in these not so nice thoughts. Good luck

[Tracy500]

the majority of society will never understand add they never have to deal with such appalling behaviour.

Yes!  That's one of the most frustrating things.  People look at them and think they're portraying things as the truth.  It seems to take a lot for people to start to catch on.  

My BF told his siblings the truth about his STBX and they kind of got it, but when she says vague stuff on her Facebook like, "Getting it now" and "Peace is everything," and they actually believe she's changed.  

They don't begin to understand people with BPD cannot "get it" overnight.  They've even approached my BF and said that she seemed like she's changed.  They don't know a fraction of what she still does because he doesn't share it with them very often.  They quickly forget all the awful things that she has done to him.  I want to say, "How can you forget about her doing X.  And Y.  And Z and every other stinking letter in the alphabet! But I keep my mouth shut because all it would do would be to make me look petty.  

Isn't that ironic?  Pointing out the abuse makes ME look bad!

It would be my fantasy for my BF to tell his siblings every last thing that she does to him so they can get the real picture, but he's just not that kind of a person.  He's dear and sweet and not vindictive and that's why l love him so much.  I guess I can't have it both ways.    

[mother in law]

Your boyfriend sounds like my son - a lovely gentle soul and unfortunately an easy target. If it's any consolation even my son's younger brother and his wife do not get the terrible things my exDiL has said and done to my older son. She has emailed them and I am sure has told all sorts of lies about him (I know she emailed to tell them her side and am surmising from the few things they have said). She is also Asian and shifted to another country so people keep saying it is cultural! I really don't know how to address all this cause as you say the more you say to defend that person the pettier you look. I also find that people do not get that a female can be so abusive. And as you say those that are so nice and uncomplicated will never turn around and say things about another person that while true sound nasty and vindictive and it is why we love and admire them. I have no answers but it is good to just let it out on this forum!

[GeekyGirl]

They don't begin to understand people with BPD cannot "get it" overnight.  They've even approached my BF and said that she seemed like she's changed. 

I'm guessing that she's a high-functioning person with BPD, so for many people, she might appear to be very normal. (My mother is like that). It's very frustrating and can feel pretty invalidating, because they don't see what we see. That's very hard on the people who do see the BPD behaviors.

Do your BF's siblings have a lot of influence over him? What are you hoping would happen if your BF does tell them everything that his ex does?

[Calsun]

Hi Tracy500,

Thank you for sharing about this!  For me, this is perhaps the most difficult issue of all.  My mother is a uBPD. When I was a child and even as an adult, she would rage, curse, scream, physically abuse, degrade, devalue, say the most cruel and vindictive things.  Scream, until she was hoarse.  Then, she would sob like a baby, down on all fours.  I felt horrible pain, sadness, depression, rage at her for her abuse.  And I would feel sorry for her because she was so sad, and in so much pain, so without friends, so without joy.  And she would blame me for her unhappiness, that I was the cause of it. She would say things like, because of you I have no friends.  I never had anything nice because of you.   And I would try to take care of her, ease her loneliness, try to be good, try to show her I loved her. I felt a need to take care of this woman who was constantly abusing me, demonizing me, preferring my brother to me (all of the BPD splitting). I thought she was unhappy because I was bad and unloving and unlovable.  It was terrible a bind.  It was abusive.

I don't know that I have an answer for you, except to say, that I think your being tired of feeling sorry for her is really good!  We can have compassion for the BPD because they truly are in pain.  But the idea that absorbing their abuse will somehow make the BPD person feel less badly, or letting them make us feel small will make them bigger, is erroneous. It doesn't work for them, and it is horribly unfair and life-destroying for us.  We deserve happiness.  I suspect there is a lot of survivor guilt in allowing ourselves to be happy when the other person is drowning.  And people suffering with BPD are drowning.

They will feel badly, they will be ill whether we feel sorry for them or not, whether we join them in misery or not.  Because my mother was so miserable, I was taught that out of sympathy for her, in communions with her suffering, I was supposed to be miserable, too.  I want to feel compassionate for myself in that, that was a deeply ingrained complex of feelings that was abused into me, that I must keep my mother company in her pain.

Just a thought.  You might reflect on something or someone in your childhood that might have set you up for feeling sorry for someone who was abusive, in ways that might have taught you to compromise or disturb your own happiness.

I know for me, I have a hard time giving to myself, allowing myself to be loved. Just today, I wanted so much to go to a sports event to which I had never gone.  Could have gotten tickets rather inexpensively and couldn't bring myself to follow through.  Hard to go places and enjoy myself when my mother would say to me that she never went anywhere because of me.  I feel a need to be as unhappy as my mother because she taught me that I was the cause of her unhappiness.  I'm learning, one day at a time, my mother's BPD had nothing to do with me.  I didn't cause it, I couldn't cure it.  Her unhappiness and the roots of it, began long before I was born.  I became a  convenient, unjustified repository for her blame and her pain.

Feeling compassionate towards a BPD is different than feeling responsibility.  And feeling compassion can allow us to preserve our peace and happiness.  I suspect that feeling sorry for this woman leads you into the arena of feeling some responsibility, and that's where I know I've gotten into trouble in the past.  I'm learning to be happy and healthy, to take care of myself, and to love myself in ways that I was never allowed to in a home where I was required to be as self-loathing and unhappy as my uBPD mother.  To separate compassion from feelings of responsibility.

Best,

Calsun

Best, 

Calsun

Best,

Calsun

[Tracy500]

 Do your BF's siblings have a lot of influence over him? What are you hoping would happen if your BF does tell them everything that his ex does?[/quote]
Geekygirl, I really had to think about this one.  The child in me wants all of his siblings to hate her and never speak to her again.  I feel like that would show her that she can't get away with all of this cruelty. 

The adult in me knows that there's probably not any real point in then knowing everything.  They live five hours and more away and don't have much interaction with her anyway. 

They don't have much influence over him at all, though he loves them very much.  He does his own thing.

I guess the question that I also need to think about is, "How much revenge is enough?  When will I finally believe that she has 'gotten hers?' Has she already? And how will I get over my anger if she never does?"

I love that you posed this question.  I want to get to a point where she's pretty much irrelevant to me.  I think that'll be easier when the divorce is over, which could be by the end of this month. [/quote]
They will feel badly, they will be ill whether we feel sorry for them or not, whether we join them in misery or not. [/quote]
Calsun, this is so true.  For me, feeling sorry for people who have wronged me or others has always been my way of escaping the anger that I feel toward them.  But I'm beginning to see that there is a different path.  I can just file her in the file of people that I loathe and put that file in the drawer.  Yep, I can't stand her so I'm getting her out of my consciousness.  It's not useful to have that file sitting on the desk cluttering things up so I'll just put it away and forget about it as much as I can.

As for my childhood, my parents have always been compassionate people.  The problem is, that they can be codependent.  In many situations, everyone else's needs were and are more important to our own.  My mother always says that we should feel sorry for people instead of hating them.  Sounds noble, but I'm not sure that it's appropriate all the time.  If I said I couldn't stand someone, she would come up with a reason that we should feel sorry for them instead.  Wow.  I never realized that until right this second.

Wow.