My mind is going crazy Help

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have been ruminating bad for the last two weeks and it's gotten worse this week since I relived the conversation post-b/u with my T. One of the things I noticed was that she was extremely ambivalent about her feelings for me. For example, in one sentence it's like "I'm confused, I don't know why I feel the way I do" then it's "I care about you soo much" then it's "we just don't have any passion" then "I love you." What is even going on here? Is ambivalence a BPD trait? I feel like I made a mistake, like I should have tried harder because somewhere in there she actually did love me the way I thought she did. But then I think about all the terrible things she did to me and also the red flags she continued to give me that I ignored. It made me realize that maybe I'm not as special to her as I thought I was. She told me that she only really felt true love with two people and one of them was NOT me, yet two weeks prior to that conversation I was "the best thing that ever happened to her" and "everything she ever wanted." This is the worst feeling in the world considering she's not diagnosed BPD, and I fear I'm making her out to be just to make myself feel better.

[DownandOut]

I have been ruminating bad for the last two weeks and it's gotten worse this week since I relived the conversation post-b/u with my T. One of the things I noticed was that she was extremely ambivalent about her feelings for me. For example, in one sentence it's like "I'm confused, I don't know why I feel the way I do" then it's "I care about you soo much" then it's "we just don't have any passion" then "I love you." What is even going on here? Is ambivalence a BPD trait? I feel like I made a mistake, like I should have tried harder because somewhere in there she actually did love me the way I thought she did. But then I think about all the terrible things she did to me and also the red flags she continued to give me that I ignored. It made me realize that maybe I'm not as special to her as I thought I was. She told me that she only really felt true love with two people and one of them was NOT me, yet two weeks prior to that conversation I was "the best thing that ever happened to her" and "everything she ever wanted." This is the worst feeling in the world considering she's not diagnosed BPD, and I fear I'm making her out to be just to make myself feel better.

[Emelie Emelie]

It doesn't really matter if she's BPD or not... .You've suffered very hurtful behavior.   

[Turkish]

I have been ruminating bad for the last two weeks and it's gotten worse this week since I relived the conversation post-b/u with my T. One of the things I noticed was that she was extremely ambivalent about her feelings for me. For example, in one sentence it's like "I'm confused, I don't know why I feel the way I do" then it's "I care about you soo much" then it's "we just don't have any passion" then "I love you." What is even going on here? Is ambivalence a BPD trait? I feel like I made a mistake, like I should have tried harder because somewhere in there she actually did love me the way I thought she did. But then I think about all the terrible things she did to me and also the red flags she continued to give me that I ignored. It made me realize that maybe I'm not as special to her as I thought I was. She told me that she only really felt true love with two people and one of them was NOT me, yet two weeks prior to that conversation I was "the best thing that ever happened to her" and "everything she ever wanted." This is the worst feeling in the world considering she's not diagnosed BPD, and I fear I'm making her out to be just to make myself feel better.

Oh, yes, D&O. Spaced out over probably a longer time period. I got the same statements verbatim. I know she was more "in love" with a previous boyfriend than me (despite my BPDex and I having a 3x longer relationship and two kids together). I was compared to him all of the time in the first year. MAJOR red flag, no?

The tough thing to realize is that they are not connected to us, per se, but the traits that they often lack in themselves. It both depersonalizes it, and makes it hurt more at the same time. Did she every really love you or me? I'm still trying to process it... .

With mine (still living in my house, but doing her own thing... .I so wish she could get out soon!), I thought as recently as a month ago this: she saw something in me so special that she chose me to be the father of her children.

But then I realized that the previous bf, the one who was The One Love (who left, recycled her, and then left again) was the one she wanted to desperately get pregnant by. He was basically a "kid" and would have probably left her anyway, but she wanted children.

So in that, I know I was both special... .and I wasn't. Sure, she saw qualities that she knew would make a great father (I am learning to pat myself on the back more through all of this), but she never really saw ME. I filled a void and a need for her. She had that need met, then "fixed" herself to never have children again. So in a sense, she will never be with another like me. I take that to myself as being special, as messed up and twisted as it is. But to her... .no.

So confusing... .but that is BPD.

[DownandOut]

Turkish, my uBPDexgf was definitely stuck on her ex bf (probable NPD) who she dated for around 8 years. The relationship was constant turmoil and dysfunction (from what I've heard), but this was the man she thought she would have a life with forever. She told me that she would break up with him constantly, but that she would have a guy she dated during those times that never made a move on her (she said he was gay even though he's apparently married with kids now, her own Narcissistic mind probably just couldn't understand why he didn't want to touch her for whatever reason). Every time she was drunk, she would basically convince me (more so herself) why it was necessary for her to break up with him, however, it always felt like she was never over it. He cheated on her, which is probably true but the reasons are ambiguous. They recently got together again and throughout the entire relationship he had a girlfriend. Needless to say, she constantly recycles with him and has recycled with me in the past, but I;ve never heard of her recycling anyone else. I know the bf of 8 years was her first love and she definitely hasn't gotten over him, but I can't figure out who number 2 is. The truth is that all these men in her life hold a certain "specialness" to her. She moved in with another guy after 2 months dating and that ended quickly as soon as she did, however, I always felt like she still had something for him too. I know I'm blabbering but I'm just trying to make sense of her love life and where I stand in it and hope that writing helps me do that.

It's funny because after she said that to me I told her that it looks like she has two tiers of men and the first tier includes 2 people and everyone else is second-tier. She was extremely offended that I "tiered the people in her life." not funny but funny

[fiddlestix]

I think we were all with the same woman!  Or, they must have all studied the same script.  I also heard: "I don't feel close to you anymore,"  "Of course I still care for you!"  "I am more attracted to bad boys... ."  ":)on't leave!  I want to work it out!"   "I am leaving as soon as I save up money."  "If you hold my hand I may never let go again." ... .  Maddening! 

My ex wife is a diagnosed bipolar with borderline traits... .so no mystery here.  But still painful as heck. 

I feel for you Down and Out   Please understand that your ex is exhibiting classic BPD behaviors.  She would do this with whomever, not just you.  Hang in there my friend

Fiddlestix

[Turkish]

I feel for you Down and Out   Please understand that your ex is exhibiting classic BPD behaviors.  She would do this with whomever, not just you. 

Exactly. This depersonalizes it a bit.

Just a bit.

Realizing this is one of the first steps towards healing.

[LA4610]

I have been ruminating bad for the last two weeks and it's gotten worse this week since I relived the conversation post-b/u with my T. One of the things I noticed was that she was extremely ambivalent about her feelings for me. For example, in one sentence it's like "I'm confused, I don't know why I feel the way I do" then it's "I care about you soo much" then it's "we just don't have any passion" then "I love you." What is even going on here? Is ambivalence a BPD trait? I feel like I made a mistake, like I should have tried harder because somewhere in there she actually did love me the way I thought she did. But then I think about all the terrible things she did to me and also the red flags she continued to give me that I ignored. It made me realize that maybe I'm not as special to her as I thought I was. She told me that she only really felt true love with two people and one of them was NOT me, yet two weeks prior to that conversation I was "the best thing that ever happened to her" and "everything she ever wanted." This is the worst feeling in the world considering she's not diagnosed BPD, and I fear I'm making her out to be just to make myself feel better.

we all dated the same women (to an extent). mine was the same way.

you didn't make a mistake and you shouldn't have tried harder. she is sick and doesn't know how to love.

you might have been very special to her, but she can't deal with that feeling. she will run from it, defend it and do anything so she doesn't have to feel it. this behavior will not change.

it def is the worst feeling in the world i can join you... .my ex shared her previous relationship stories with me. a bf who developed a cocaine addiction, every bf she ever had cheating on her, an ex husband who manipulated her, got her pregnant, and then flipped the script. he put a knife to his ribs and told her to push it in, a gun to his head cocked the hammer and said pull the trigger, and on one occasion smeared his feces all over her.

so, with all that being said, at one point she says "we need to slow down, i feel to much pressure". i say "ok. cool". we already had plans to go to an expensive event that i had invited her to. she needed an outfit so we went to the mall. the outfit was around one hundred dollars. we were taking it slow so i said "look, i invited you to this i will pay for the outfit if you want. i don't want you to feel pressured though so the choice is yours." she payed for the outfit.

the next day she says "i guess i have to get used to you. i have never dated anyone who did something like that. it would have been a disgrace for any of my ex's to even think about not paying for my outfit."

yes, it hurts like hell. like you say the worst feeling in the world. it isn't our faults though. we couldn't have tried harder and we did nothing "wrong"

[LA4610]

sorry idk how to use the quotes on this forum. my response is in there.

[thisyoungdad]

It doesn't really matter if she's BPD or not... .You've suffered very hurtful behavior.   

Ultimately this is the conclusion I have come to since I don't want to tell the world she is BPD. It is true, disorder or not is not so relevant as is the treatment I endured and continue to at times is abusive, hurtful and wrong and that is what really matters. Not the label put on it.