Living life on purpose

[fromheeltoheal]

I've been reading Brene Brown's take on foreboding joy, how we avoid joy without realizing it, because to put ourselves out there, to refind the joy of our youth, is to become vulnerable, which is scary.  So the pursuit of joy becomes a negative, and we retract our lives to feel 'safe'.  Totally true for me, and that was the state my borderline found me in.  My business was going well, partly because I'm committed to its success and partly because workaholism is a handy, justifiable way to avoid feeling.  And therefore my finances were doing well too.  But my health was suffering, my social life consisted of a couple of hours a week in some bar, chatting up the other folks seeking the same chemical escape I was.  There wasn't much balance or fulfillment, and I certainly wasn't connecting with any gratitude.  And then my borderline ex showed up; talk about susceptible, as she showered me with interest and affection, hanging on my every word, fabricated 'intimacy', it was a dream come true, a savior, the key to my happiness.  Well, we all know how those deals end.

So what's the answer?  Gratitude.  The answer to avoiding vulnerability, assigning negative connotations to joy, is gratitude.  Living my life all the way, daring greatly, committing fully with positive expectations to all areas of life, unless they don't serve me, then lose them.  And stopping to be grateful for what I already have and the opportunities in front of me, which is intentionally feeling joy, and it snowballs.  Just started, but it's feeling good already, and more importantly right, like I have direction.  And a friend shared an applicable quote with me: ":)on't chase women, chase your dreams and women will follow."  Hallelujah!

Thoughts?

[Suzn]

Absolutely! Great thread. 

Fulfilling our dreams is truly a journey and when one is experiencing the journey it tends to be one that makes us happy. It's healthy to have goals. Becoming more healthy minded has a welcome side effect, it allows us the knowledge to better ascertain other healthy minded individuals.

[musicfan42]

I can relate to your post.

I wasn't happy and then my BPD ex showed up. I have food issues... and my BPD ex has very similar ones. It was uncanny. I never told him that though because I was ashamed. I don't think he would have judged me harshly... he liked everything "weird" about me... didn't like anything normal or healthy about me. But I was just embarrassed. I'm trying so hard to have a balanced attitude about food. I sometimes wonder whether I'm really getting better or whether I'm just doing all this obsessing over it in secret now as opposed to openly. I've reintroduced different food groups back into my diet like dairy products... I don't exclude any food group now. But I'm obsessing now about portion control as opposed to the type of food. I feel that it's always something! I used to obsess about the purity of the food whereas now it's more about the calories... the amount... and that's just something else to dwell on. It's not about the food at all though-just about my attempts to avoid emotional vulnerability... to try to stay in control at all times.

It's like I feel that I'm drowning metaphorically and I panic. I think "what will save me?" I see what appears to be rafts and grab hold of them in desperation but it turns out that they're really sharks out to get me. They're really just maladaptive coping mechanisms. So there I am, lost at sea and I try to swim but the current is so strong... I'm not a strong swimmer so I wonder how long I can make it... how long I can survive. It almost seems easier to lean on the shark... it might be a shark but at least I don't have to experience all this crap on my own... I don't have to drown on my own. That's how it feels like. There's no part of me that thinks it's a good idea... it's just the best solution given the gravity of the circumstances... given my emotional pain. It's like I don't see any way out of it... maybe I should just swim to shore... do that hard work of actually swimming but it's like I'm paralyzed by fear... just glued to the one spot wondering what to do... feeling helpless. Maybe swimming is a metaphor for actually being emotionally vulnerable. I would rather cling to the shark... to my old ways... than to experience that terror... that weakness. I guess that's why I don't like Brene Brown. There's nothing wrong with her message... it just terrifies me, plain and simple.

I think this is a great topic... I wish I could write something upbeat/positive about it however I haven't dealt with it. I don't think that I can offer any kind of advice or words of wisdom here... just share my experience of it.

[fromheeltoheal]

I think this is a great topic... I wish I could write something upbeat/positive about it however I haven't dealt with it. I don't think that I can offer any kind of advice or words of wisdom here... just share my experience of it.

No worries, it is what it is, we're all healing and growing here.

I wasn't happy and then my BPD ex showed up. I have food issues... and my BPD ex has very similar ones. It was uncanny.

Do you think he really had them too, or was he mirroring you?

It's not about the food at all though-just about my attempts to avoid emotional vulnerability... to try to stay in control at all times.

Good awareness!

It's like I feel that I'm drowning metaphorically and I panic. I think "what will save me?" I see what appears to be rafts and grab hold of them in desperation but it turns out that they're really sharks out to get me. They're really just maladaptive coping mechanisms. So there I am, lost at sea and I try to swim but the current is so strong... I'm not a strong swimmer so I wonder how long I can make it... how long I can survive. It almost seems easier to lean on the shark... it might be a shark but at least I don't have to experience all this crap on my own... I don't have to drown on my own. That's how it feels like. There's no part of me that thinks it's a good idea... it's just the best solution given the gravity of the circumstances... given my emotional pain. It's like I don't see any way out of it... maybe I should just swim to shore... do that hard work of actually swimming but it's like I'm paralyzed by fear... just glued to the one spot wondering what to do... feeling helpless. Maybe swimming is a metaphor for actually being emotionally vulnerable. I would rather cling to the shark... to my old ways... than to experience that terror... that weakness. I guess that's why I don't like Brene Brown. There's nothing wrong with her message... it just terrifies me, plain and simple.

This reminded me of something I'm reading in Feeling Good about depression, how one way to stay stuck is do-nothing-ism, something I've been very adept at.  Assuming things will never get better, so not doing anything, just staying in that feeling.  By doing something, anything, cleaning the house is a good one for me, regardless of what emotion I'm experiencing, I always end up feeling better after it, funny how that works.

Thinking about your swimming/shark metaphor, maybe it doesn't take that much effort, maybe the current is going the way you want to go, and maybe you don't know or aren't sure it's the right way to go, but trusting and having faith that everything happens for a reason and it serves you, maybe letting go and letting the current take you, vulnerable but trusting.  Just my hallucination, apply as needed.

[musicfan42]

Thanks... I appreciate the supportive response

I had to think about this one. I didn't mention anything about dieting/food to him however I talked about how I didn't drink alcohol or do drugs. He may have realized that I was health conscious and chose to market himself in that way to appeal to me.

I used to drink alcohol however I found that it made me go from a manic mood that night to a depressed mood the next day. I've talked to other people who don't drink for the exact same reason-that alcohol made them too depressed the next day so I think it's a common enough issue amongst people.

I like the book "The Feeling Good Handbook". It's really practical- if you do the exercises, it does work!  I worked a lot on the cognitive distortions section and that work really paid off over time. I feel that it's the type of book that I can keep going back to. It's massive so at the start, I felt a bit daunted. I thought "ok, I'll cover one issue and then when I've done that, I can cover another issue".

I agree with you that I need to trust the process-to let go... that things will be fine. It's not a hallucination at all   I feel that you have a gut instinct so trust it... I know it's scary to trust it... to dismiss it as a hallucination or whatever but once you start trusting it more, it grows stronger. Lol, it's a bit ironic that I'm talking like this, considering that I feel like I'm drowning at times! I guess I've lost touch with my intuition but I can tap into it again... .it's not like it's gone forever... it's just been lying dormant for a while... hibernating.

I was afraid of tapping into it... of feeling emotions... feeling anything! But I actually feel a lot of good emotions these days too... a lot of enthusiasm over things... my passion is back again and it's almost like "wow!"... overwhelming. It feels like I was dead and that I've woke up again... that I was drowning and that I can breathe again. And then there's times when I feel like I'm just drowning... it's like I alternate between those two emotional states a lot right now... that I'm filled with optimism and hope but then I feel afraid because I worry about things going wrong... about getting my hopes up too much. I guess I just need to say "screw it... I feel these good emotions again and I need to focus on that and go along with that... I need to choose that".

There's a part of me too that wonders whether I feel things too intensely/passionately... that wonders whether I should tone it down... whether other people are as intense blah blah blah. It's just noise/chatter in my head. Then there's a defiant part of me that thinks "oh whatever... who cares whether other people experience emotions in the same way as me" and that's good to have.

I used to do a gratitude list each morning, listing three things that I was grateful for. That actually made me appreciate what I had more... things that I had taken for granted before like my physical health.

I was thinking about the joy part of your post a lot. I don't feel joy that much in life and I think that's why it was easy for me to use maladapative coping mechanisms to achieve that sense of joy in my life... to "fake" it... .to fill that sense of emptiness within me really.

I don't want to pry however I noticed that you said that you were a workaholic to avoid feeling. And then you mentioned going to the bar. Do you try to deal with your emotions in other ways now? I'd like to hear more about how you feel on this issue.

[fromheeltoheal]

I was afraid of tapping into it... of feeling emotions... feeling anything!  But I actually feel a lot of good emotions these days too... a lot of enthusiasm over things... my passion is back again and it's almost like "wow!"... overwhelming. It feels like I was dead and that I've woke up again... that I was drowning and that I can breathe again. And then there's times when I feel like I'm just drowning... it's like I alternate between those two emotional states a lot right now... that I'm filled with optimism and hope but then I feel afraid because I worry about things going wrong... about getting my hopes up too much. I guess I just need to say "screw it... I feel these good emotions again and I need to focus on that and go along with that... I need to choose that".

I was thinking about the joy part of your post a lot. I don't feel joy that much in life and I think that's why it was easy for me to use maladapative coping mechanisms to achieve that sense of joy in my life... to "fake" it... .to fill that sense of emptiness within me really.

This hit home for me because I'm in the same place.  I thank my borderline ex for waking me up with pain, but hey, it takes what it takes and I'm thankful to her, it's the least she could do.  It is totally what Ms. Brown talks about with foreboding joy, how we keep ourselves from too much excitement, too much hope, too much enthusiasm for life because to put ourselves out there like that is vulnerable, and keeping a lid on it is safer, but that's where the juice is, the joy.  Lately I'm saying screw it, let fly, I have nothing to lose and everything to gain.  And like you I revert to old patterns too; it feels like this is all new, and I've gotten good at not beating myself up as I take 2 steps forward and 1 back, making that success not failure.  I learned to play piano a few years ago, and progress was painfully slow at times, but I never attached any negative beliefs to that, I just kept plugging, and today I can play a few things and it sounds good.  Life metaphor that, although claiming my life is a symphony would be a little cheesy... .

There's a part of me too that wonders whether I feel things too intensely/passionately... that wonders whether I should tone it down... whether other people are as intense blah blah blah. It's just noise/chatter in my head. Then there's a defiant part of me that thinks "oh whatever... who cares whether other people experience emotions in the same way as me" and that's good to have.

I'm with you.  I spent a large chunk of my life trying to figure out who I needed to be in situations so I would be accepted and liked, a chameleon, classic people pleaser, so much work for so little payoff.  Today I'm proud to report that I have long stretches where I just let fly with who I am, and absolutely don't care what most people think.  That was another payoff of BPD hell; really looking at what I'm getting from people, asking for what I need and want, and realizing some people aren't willing or able to meet my needs, so time to let them go.  That's all new for this people pleaser, who spent forever trying to get by giving, treat people the way I want to be treated and they will reciprocate.  Rarely works that way.  Time to speak up and ask for what I want and need.

And another part is there are two types of people: those who bring you up and those who bring you down.  If we are going to consciously choose to pursue joy, express vulnerability, let fly with who we are at our core without reservation, we need to be around supportive people.  Life is too short to be screwing around otherwise, and I for one am really tired of living with masks on, trying to be the generic, vanilla human who's shuffling around half alive to fit in.  Fck that.

I don't want to pry however I noticed that you said that you were a workaholic to avoid feeling. And then you mentioned going to the bar. Do you try to deal with your emotions in other ways now? I'd like to hear more about how you feel on this issue.

I didn't consciously choose to avoid feeling by working too hard, it just kinda snuck up on me.  Working our asses off and calling it "success" is encouraged in our culture, as folks cope by getting jacked up on caffeine all day and then coming down at night with some booze.  I've built some pretty good "success" that way, meaning I work for myself and do well, although I didn't realize, or maybe I did but was in denial, that immersing yourself in the American Way to make a buck has the secondary benefit of allowing us to avoid our feelings by moving really fast and focusing on something outside ourselves.  The folks who buy into that and benefit most from it are an employer's dream, and I made a few people rich outrunning and avoiding my feelings that way.  My body just can't move at that pace anymore, and that strung out place is where my borderline ex found me, susceptible and definitely not on top of my game.

Better living through chemistry doesn't work anymore, never did really except for the illusion, and the answer is slowing down.  If I get the big three in order, diet, sleep and exercise, my whole life goes better, I've known that for a long time.  But lately I've been adding slowing down, which is very difficult for me because then I have to feel, not always pleasant, but it's important to sit with an emotion and just feel it, not make myself wrong for feeling it and not try to 'fix' it, just feel it.  This is new behavior and I flounder, spend time breathing, meditating, chilling, fighting like hell not to run sometimes, but it's getting easier.  A simple life is a healthy life.  And it also makes me more emotionally available and aware, as I look for and build relationships with people that are mutually beneficial and supportive, you know, relationships based on trust and respect, the complete opposite of the one I had with my borderline.  

[Cumulus]

Just now read this heeltoheal but yesterday posted on another thread a response to what helped me to heal and had replied, gratitude! For me, being grateful has focused my thoughts on not what I have lost, but rather what I have and what I have gained throughout my life with xBPDh. What I have gained is an extraordinary amount of patience and self control. You can't live with a pwBPD for as many years as I did without developing these traits. I also have the relationship to thank for my skills of self survival, of acceptance and calmness. These weren't personality traits I was born with, they were developed in order to live as well as possible within the circumstances I found myself in. I believe being grateful allows me to enjoy more fully the small, good things that happen every day, even those days when we are going through difficulties. Wish you well. Cumulus.

[musicfan42]

fromheeltoheal-oh that's cool that you play the piano I went to piano lessons growing up. I think there's something quite soothing about the piano. I tended to prefer the sad pieces as opposed to the more upbeat ones though. I think they were more heartfelt/meaningful to me whereas the upbeat ones felt too light and whimsical really.

There's a book I read ages ago called "Overcoming Depression" by Paul Gilbert. I read the book before I met my BPD ex and it actually helped me whilst I was in the relationship. I really think that's why I didn't stay with him for too long! There was a particular exercise that caught my eye in it. Gilbert mentions how this woman Sheila's husband had an affair and how she was blaming herself for it, thinking "oh I should have been more attractive, I should have spent less time focusing on the kids etc". Those were her depressed thoughts. But the psychologist challenged her to think of gentler, alternative thoughts such as "he should have put more effort into looking after the children instead of having me feel overloaded". Basically that the husband was a married guy-that it was still a betrayal, that he should have put more effort into sex instead of expecting her to put in all the effort, that he was a married guy so the other woman should have respected that.

I actually decided to get the book out again because it's huge... very dense so it's the type of thing that I can dip and out of. I was reading a chapter of it today and there was this chapter that said how being assertive is actually a compassionate act... that it's about respecting your feelings and someone else's. I liked that bit. There was a bit in "The Feeling Good Handbook" that caught my eye before... how labelling was calling yourself a loser etc and how this was a bad idea because people aren't just objects... they have more value than a bar of soap... that a bar of soap is there to wash your hands with or whatever but that a human being has thoughts, emotions etc. The "Overcoming Depression" book expands on that idea that people aren't objects. It says how empathy is being curious about someone else's experience... being open and caring... wanting to understand someone else's point of view. I realized that people in the past had treated me with no empathy-as an object/bar of soap so I used that criteria to judge myself too... thinking about my market value... a very cold judgmental approach really.

I know what you mean about going along prevailing cultural norms. It's just seems easier. I think that working hard is great however it's really essential that we all give ourselves some rest too or else it's just easy to burn out. I used to find it hard to give myself some down time-I would be on the go, doing stuff all the time and then I'd end up getting really stressed out. And the thing is, there's nothing wrong with alcohol either, provided that it's in moderation. I have friends who are social drinkers-they might have a few beers or a glass or two of wine but that's basically it. It's so nice because it's more civilized... it's more about the company as opposed to just "oh lets get wasted here!"

One thing I really struggled with was being by myself. I had to actually practice being by myself. And gradually, I was able to do it and ended up really liking it. I think it was something that used to make me feel a lot of emotional vulnerability whereas now, I'm okay with it. I used to feel that I had to be around all the time... there was no balance there at all.

When I was upset years ago, I'd want other people to soothe me because I didn't know how. That probably appeared demanding to others but to me, it was just out of pure frustration... feeling this emotional pain and panicking, not knowing what to do with it. I had to learn that okay, yes by all means surround myself with supportive people but at the same time, respect other peoples' limits. People will get impatient if they're listening to the same thing all the time. I'm naturally talkative so I will talk and talk. I had to set a boundary/limit with myself there-basically to plan what type of support I wanted from the other person. Whether I wanted validation or constructive feedback. That helped because it was more about having realistic expectations and not expecting other people to just wave my problems away with their magic wand. But yes, totally agree with you that avoiding toxic people is the way to go.

[fromheeltoheal]

fromheeltoheal-oh that's cool that you play the piano I went to piano lessons growing up. I think there's something quite soothing about the piano. I tended to prefer the sad pieces as opposed to the more upbeat ones though. I think they were more heartfelt/meaningful to me whereas the upbeat ones felt too light and whimsical really.  

Yep, you can say a lot with minor chords.  To me now my piano is like my dog; they both force me to slow down, chill out and get grounded, and sometimes we need that help.

Gilbert mentions how this woman Sheila's husband had an affair and how she was blaming herself for it, thinking "oh I should have been more attractive, I should have spent less time focusing on the kids etc". Those were her depressed thoughts. But the psychologist challenged her to think of gentler, alternative thoughts such as "he should have put more effort into looking after the children instead of having me feel overloaded".

There was a bit in "The Feeling Good Handbook" that caught my eye before... how labeling was calling yourself a loser etc and how this was a bad idea because people aren't just objects...

Yes, reframing is a very valuable tool, helped me turn my relationship with my borderline from a negative into a positive by noticing how different life feels now and how alive I feel, and being grateful for that.

And yes labels, assigned identities that can be disempowering.  I used to call myself an idiot a lot, got that from my mother, and it took a while to learn that envisioning myself saying that in a squeaky cartoon voice with a bizarre look on my face takes all the energy out of it.

I know what you mean about going along prevailing cultural norms. It's just seems easier. I think that working hard is great however it's really essential that we all give ourselves some rest too or else it's just easy to burn out. I used to find it hard to give myself some down time-I would be on the go, doing stuff all the time and then I'd end up getting really stressed out. And the thing is, there's nothing wrong with alcohol either, provided that it's in moderation. I have friends who are social drinkers-they might have a few beers or a glass or two of wine but that's basically it. It's so nice because it's more civilized... it's more about the company as opposed to just "oh lets get wasted here!"

I notice you use 'whilst' so I'm assuming you're in Britain?  I'm a first generation American, my parents are British and I have relatives all over England and Scotland.  Those people drink!  Man, the Brits can put a few away, and apparently I inherited that.  I used to take it way too far when I was younger, and I've backed way off in my old age.  In my twenties the drugs and the alcohol were the party, then later they became an accessory, and now I'm constantly conscious of 'moderation'; as mentioned 'taking the edge off' with a few after work is the norm for a lot of people, but there's a line between that and going on a chemical adventure.  Lately I've been asking why do I need to take the edge off, and what does that mean exactly?  It means I ingested stimulants and worked way too hard, I now feel like crap, so time to ingest some depressants to even things out.  It works, sorta, but lately I'd rather just keep the pace even throughout, making chemical adjustments unnecessary.

One thing I really struggled with was being by myself. I had to actually practice being by myself. And gradually, I was able to do it and ended up really liking it. I think it was something that used to make me feel a lot of emotional vulnerability whereas now, I'm okay with it. I used to feel that I had to be around all the time... there was no balance there at all.

I've always been the opposite: spending large amounts of time alone and being totally OK with it, preferring it actually, since as mentioned we all wear masks and everything having to do with other people, especially in groups, seemed like a game to me, a game I didn't want to play.  There's a difference between being alone and being lonely, and lately I've been lonely, perfect timing for my borderline ex, I was very susceptible when she showed up.  So it's off to meet people, pretty easy for me, but also paying attention and letting the right ones in; it is possible to have fulfilling relationships that minimize the games, that's where the juice is found.

[Accepting]

Just now read this heeltoheal but yesterday posted on another thread a response to what helped me to heal and had replied, gratitude! For me, being grateful has focused my thoughts on not what I have lost, but rather what I have

Ha! I never knew this board existed.    another thread I posted in was moved to here and now I've found it.

Gratitude for the good things in my life has been a focus of mine for quite some time now and I believe it helps me to always bounce back faster from down moments life sends. I also believe that for every down there's an even better up awaiting in the future. ... .but that sometimes it's really hard to foresee that when I'm down in the dumps. I know though looking back in hindsight that all my life challenges have lead me to greater places in the future. I learnt a lot from them and ended up better off.

I'm holding on to this concept in going through the pain of finally letting 'him' go. I know I've learnt so much already but am waiting to see what happiness the future brings post going through the sad days and the unsettled feelings.

[musicfan42]

fromheeltoheal: Aw that's so cute-what kind of dog do you have?

Yeah... reframing is a good tool but in the "Overcoming Depression" book, it doesn't actually call it that haha It's all about self-compassion... selecting helpful thoughts. There's even a bit in it that says how depressed people are told to stop being negative too often and how that's unhelpful to hear. So basically, the book balances acceptance and change principles... a lot of validation in it. I studied DBT skills so I'm finding the book kind of similar now really. The Feeling Good Handbook is great-very practical however I'm finding that I need that extra little soft touch/approach too... .that the self-compassion element is very helpful for my self-esteem.

That's such a good question-take the edge off what? I think it's just to take the edge off stress... of anything unpleasant/negative... any anger, anxiety... emotions that society typically labels "bad". I think it can seem easy to repress the "bad" stuff... to just compartmentalize... focus on the good stuff... ignore the bad. I like positive thinking however I feel that sometimes it can be overused... that it's still important to feel your emotions... that nobody is a robot either. I think emotional pain overwhelms people-they don't know what to do with it... where to put with it whereas I did some mindfulness exercises and realized that I didn't have to "do" anything with it or "put" it anywhere. And then if you're depressed, people think it's contagious... that it will spread onto them... bring them down... .like it's some kind of disease! urgh! That type of emotional vulnerability is terrifying to a lot of people. It just freaks them out.

But yes, I'm very conscious now of the need for moderation in all things whereas before, it wouldn't have even occurred to me really haha

I agree with you that there is a difference between being alone and being lonely. I remember someone mentioning that it was possible to feel alone in a crowd. I thought "wow-that's how I feel". I was constantly surrounded by people however I didn't feel connected to them. It felt like I was socializing out of duty... because people expected me to be outgoing. I just didn't see any other alternative though... it was kind of like "ok I'm stuck in this situation so I might as well make the best of it". I didn't think there was any other way to be really. I was different around my family though... I was more inclined to be myself around them. I knew them for too long so I just couldn't "fake" it with them. They'd be able to push my buttons and that was extremely irritating! I spent times wanting to get away from them and then other times wanting to feel more connected to them.

[fromheeltoheal]

fromheeltoheal: Aw that's so cute-what kind of dog do you have?

I have an Australian cattle dog, or he has me, he's 16, and I had a Golden Retriever mix who lived to 12.  Unconditional love baby, dogs live there full time.

Yeah... reframing is a good tool but in the "Overcoming Depression" book, it doesn't actually call it that haha It's all about self-compassion... selecting helpful thoughts. There's even a bit in it that says how depressed people are told to stop being negative too often and how that's unhelpful to hear. So basically, the book balances acceptance and change principles... a lot of validation in it. I studied DBT skills so I'm finding the book kind of similar now really. The Feeling Good Handbook is great-very practical however I'm finding that I need that extra little soft touch/approach too... .that the self-compassion element is very helpful for my self-esteem.

That's such a good question-take the edge off what? I think it's just to take the edge off stress... of anything unpleasant/negative... any anger, anxiety... emotions that society typically labels "bad". I think it can seem easy to repress the "bad" stuff... to just compartmentalize... focus on the good stuff... ignore the bad. I like positive thinking however I feel that sometimes it can be overused... that it's still important to feel your emotions... that nobody is a robot either. I think emotional pain overwhelms people-they don't know what to do with it... where to put with it whereas I did some mindfulness exercises and realized that I didn't have to "do" anything with it or "put" it anywhere. And then if you're depressed, people think it's contagious... that it will spread onto them... bring them down... .like it's some kind of disease! urgh! That type of emotional vulnerability is terrifying to a lot of people. It just freaks them out.

Yes, there's a difference between affirmations and reframing: affirmations include focusing on the positive and potentially burying the negative, which doesn't solve anything.  The analogy I like is looking at your garden saying "there's no weeds, there's no weeds", well yes there are, and it's better to pull them out than try and convince yourself they aren't there.  Reframing is learning to look at something entirely differently, literally changing the way we think about it, which in turn changes the way we feel about it.

And you're right, sometimes it's important to not deny feelings, assume something is wrong, or try and fix anything.  Sometimes it's important to just be with an emotion, good or bad, because the only way out is through, and there are lessons in there that need to be learned.

I was different around my family though... I was more inclined to be myself around them. I knew them for too long so I just couldn't "fake" it with them. They'd be able to push my buttons and that was extremely irritating! I spent times wanting to get away from them and then other times wanting to feel more connected to them.

I can relate, and I've redefined what I mean by 'family'.  The supportive people who care about me and I have ongoing relationships with I'm not related to by blood, and spending time with my blood relatives feels like an obligation.  Great, here come the holidays... .

[musicfan42]

Aw that's adorable! I love Golden Retrievers. I had to google Australian cattle dogs! I haven't heard of that breed before but I'm sure your dog is really cute too   I like dogs too. Not a cat person at all though!

That's a really good analogy about the garden. I don't mind using affirmations if I'm in a good mood but if I'm in a bad mood, they irritate me! If I feel motivated already, then positive thinking is easy... well d'uh! But when I feel bad, I need to be a bit more gentler about the thing. I think that makes sense though.

Yeah-my family is definitely an issue that brings up a lot of conflicted emotions within me. I considered some friends like family members too... I'm not so sure about the idea now though. One of my friends hurt me ages ago and that left me feeling a bit wary. I feel hesitant about confiding in friends now... wondering whether I should or not... trying to set boundaries/strike a balance... It feels complicated now whereas before it felt really easy/straightforward.