Contact with dBPD sister to help children

[Hanuman]

We are taking care one of my wife’s sisters (dBPD’s ) children for a year to try and give him an experience of normalcy and provide respite to him from the intense environment he has been raised in.

Problem is this brings issues of contact into play, specifically that no contact is not an option.  Currently I am on a pedastol viewed by the sister while my wife is seen as the bad one even though it is her who did all the foot work and funded all the costs to bring the teenager up here to stay with us.

My wife is struggling as the sister is hounding her, twisting stories with regards to finances, in appropriately bring the other teenage son into conversations, implying such negativity on the younger son staying with us.  If the boy weren’t with us my wife could go no contact but such is not the case and we are trying to keep the big picture in front of us as to why we brought my wife’s nephew up to stay with us instead of getting sucked into the BPD vortex of where you say most anything it gets misconstrued and if you set a boundary well then you really have to watch out.

I’m writing then to ask if any others have had such an experience and how the managed to deal with it, especially for the child they were trying to help while at the same time retaining their sanity.

Thanks.

[Clearmind]

Hanuman, Welcome!

You are right no contact is not an option.

Hanuman, part of your role and your wifes role now that you are looking after this child is to begin to accept BPDsis will twist words and it’s so incredibly important for this child to not see either you or your wife engage in the tit for tat, circular arguments and edging towards being counter defensive.

It would be wonderful if your wife was also a member here because 99% of handling these events is also processing our own stuff as to why we take things personally. Your wife has grown up in the same environment as her sister – it stands to reason that their childhoods were possibly invalidating.  How does your wife handle these events where BPDsis twists things?

We are taking care one of my wife’s sisters (dBPD’s ) children for a year to try and give him an experience of normalcy and provide respite to him from the intense environment he has been raised in.

Having grown up in a BPD household, kids need emotional validation – talk often – allow the child to be open about their feelings and validate them. There are fabulous books around on Positive Validation for children. It’s also crucial that this child knows what behaviour (from adults) is acceptable and what isn’t.

One of the problems with having a BPD parent is that we often have no idea what ‘normal’ is – model behaviour without denigrating his Mum.  Tough balance.

[Hanuman]

Thanks for the feedback Clearmind. 

You are bang on about the environment my wife grew up as being invalidating amongst other things in dealing with a BPD older sister.  She developed some good detachment skills, and has also spent some time learning boundaries.  No contact was the best option for the most part until the children grew older.  I've shared this post and website with her which has been helpful.

Both of us have alot of experience with dBPD/dNPD others in our lives.  Yet knowledge/experience still only go so far when in the direct firing line and dealing with active situations with children being infected by the uBPD and dealing with their behaviors while not reacting to what they have been programmed with or the uBPD parent's direct and intense contact.

Parental alienation literature has been helpful.  We use what we have learned to try and help the youngster and not get sucked into saying anything bad about his mothers behaviors.  Sometimes the behaviors need to be addressed (R. Warshak) and we have found this is never in a direct manner about the other parent but in general validating discussion about behaviors in general, seeking more information that one source, etc. 

One of the things I have found especially useful in dealing with children along the validation lines you are referring to comes from the treatment of BPD with the DBT and radical acceptance as a place to start in discussions.

Yet even with knowledge and tools it is still very challenging and painful when under live fire from the active BPD storm and familial infections.  A sense of reality is challenged and thus the need to post here to hear others experiences, strength and hope in the often times lonely and crazy making interactions/effects of BPD circumstances.

[Clearmind]

Oh I completely agree being on the front line is really crazy making. I also have a BPDaunt and I cannot begin to tell you how challenging she is. We have resorted to very strong boundaries - information about my grandmother/her mother only and only ever by email. Replies go to the trash!

Honestly a lot of it is acceptance - relaying facts to BPDsis and understanding the emotional letting on her part is the disorder not you or the childs fault.

As far as Kiddo is concerned - you have very good knowledge Hanuman on validation and are reading up on how you can positively influence this child. Providing the child with normality is the best thing you can do, routine, responsibilities and touching base with him often to talk about his feelings/emotions.

Does the child do OK at school? Make friends? These are always tell tale signs.