My Story

[miss_b]

I am 34 years old. I have a husband and daughter. I am currently staying at home with my daughter.

I am an adult child of a mother with undiagnosed BPD. She fits all the criteria except for the rage/violent. She was abused by her mother and multiple other trusted family figures as a child.

She told me about her abuse when I was about 9. I then took it upon myself to "prove to her that she is worthy of love" to no avail, of course. I was her best friend and worst enemy. If all she asked of me was to do the dishes as a pre-teen and I didn't get that done than I must not love her and if I don't love her, no one loves her so she might as well die... .And then she would leave for the night. I would put myself to bed in decent pajamas to be prepared for the cops to come tell me that she had died. I ended friendships at school when she was threatened by them.  The whole nine.

It wasn't until I was 19, with the help of a great friend, that I realized that if she was going to hurt herself, she would have already and that it was manipulation. It wasn't until I was about 30 that I finally googled "suicide threats for manipulation" and stumbled upon articles and such of adult child of PD and for the first time felt as though I wasn't alone.

I see a therapist. I work on being more assertive with her and all my relationships. My current focus is on boundaries and consequences.

[peaceplease]

miss_b,

.  I am so sorry for all that you have experienced as a child and all of your life from your mother.  That must have been very difficult and scary as a child.  You had insight to know that her behavior was not normal.  I am so glad that you have found us here at bpdfamily.  You will find so much support and understanding.  :)o not be surprised if others have many parallels to your story.

I am sorry that your mother suffered abuse.  It must have been horrible as a child to hear about your mother's abuse.

Do you have a support network.  Other family/friends?

Congratulations on seeking therapy for assertiveness training. I, myself, thought it was easier to give in to my daughter, age 29, with suspect BPD, as I hate confrontation.  That was not working out for me, as I would build up resentments for giving in to her and pleasing her.  That is surely not healthy to be living like that and succumbing to emotional blackmail.  It is important to have boundaries, as the boundaries are to protect us.  When you cross over and accept the behavior that interferes with your well being, then it is time to enforce boundaries.  It is about our protection and not just a list of rules.

You can navigate around this site and read everything you can about BPD.  I will provide you with some links to get you started.

Here are some links:  Top 50 most often asked question

Video-What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

Video-Tools to Reduce Conflict with a person suffering from BPD

How To Manage a BPD Relationship/Reducing Anger Using SET

BPD BEHAVIORS: Waif, Hermit, Queen, and Witch


When a family member has BPD, the illness can negatively everyone in the family system, including children, siblings, and in-laws. Senior members on the [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw board are experienced with and can help you with setting boundaries, finding relief from FOG, encouraging self-care, improving your handling of relationships impacted by your BPD relative, and pursuing a path of recovery from traumatic experiences. The validation, information, and support will give you strength on your journey.

Please take care of yourself.  I think the relative board is a good fit for you.  I have provided the link in the above paragraph.

Please come back and post when you are ready, or you may choose to post on the relative board.  On that specific board, there are others with a parent with BPD.

peaceplease

[Sitara]

Welcome miss_b!  I just want to let you know you're not alone!  I am also an adult child with an undiagnosed BPD mother.  I've found the boards here very supportive and helpful and I hope you can find what you need here.