So angry

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Generally I stay out of the whole therapy business. DBPDh is ultra reluctant to ever share about anything in "his" life in general unless he wants sympathy anyway and I am not terribly interested in the content of their sessions. Truth be told, it's so nice to have a break from the exhausting task of being the one who listens and has to process. As much as he might be glad he found his therapist, I THANK GOD for him everyday.

I try to show interest by asking if it "was a good session" or something else just to demonstrate I remember therapy was that day if I have been told which often I am not and not act in a way that seems inattentive. Of course this is a no-win as well since he views my polite inquiry with paranoia and if I ignored it altogether I would be not showing care and interest. Very occasionally, I ask if there was any feedback about a particular issue.

Cheating and inappropriate behaviour with women has been a continuing issue and over the past few months has been the most significantly disruptive issues. He mentioned he was going to talk about it in therapy and I was curious about the therapists feedback so I asked. In the course of minimal sharing he mentioned that the therapist had commented on my apparent difficulty with the positive changes dBPDh has been making. I was EXTREMELY surprised to hear that since I do not believe that I am struggling with the changes and that I have not expressed that to the therapist. From my point of view, surely it would be OBVIOUS that I would be the most happy about positive change. After all, who in their right mind would want the pwBPD they live with to not get better? Who in their right mind would be having difficulty with a person displaying reduced aggression, verbal abuse and property destruction, less paranoia, higher levels of distress tolerance and better emotional regulation?

After pressing, he casually said he has mentioned that I had told him "he has been terrible for the past 5 months". His therapist had responded with some disapproving "hmmmm" at what sounded like a dismissive, unsupportive remark on my behalf and launched into some speech about how partners can find change challenging. Except, THAT ISN'T WHAT I SAID!. I said his inappropriate behaviour with women had been out of control for the past 5 months. Which it has been! Of course, I get repeated "feedback" via my partner about how dismissive the therapist thinks I am. Almost every session now almost the only thing he is willing to share is X thought that comment was dismissive, X said you were dismissive, X thinks I handle your dismissive remarks really well.

No matter how much I stand by him, be supportive, acknowledge multiple times per week his hard work and progress, no matter how much crap I take from him, he continues to spread the perspective that I am a terrible person who doesn't care about him and is generally not a very nice person. Over the course of the last 3 years, he has slandered me to anyone who will listen with lies and skewed rubbish. His love interests get the "my wife doesn't treat me nicely and is a big meanie" abandonment story to provoke them into feeling sorry for him. I'm SO sick of hearing it. I'm so sick of being expected to not get upset that despite everything he can't say a nice word about me to anyone.

I pointed out that I was disappointed and hurt to hear that he recalls me that way and concerned about him following advice given based what is basically a misrepresentation of what I said. As you can imagine, that didn't go well. When he is happy and I am white again, he asks all the time what I like about our relationship, our sex life, sending time together, etc and I can't even answer him anymore. How can I feel anything positive about being around someone who betrays me and throws me under the bus on a regular basis?     

 

[HoldingAHurricane]

Generally I stay out of the whole therapy business. DBPDh is ultra reluctant to ever share about anything in "his" life in general unless he wants sympathy anyway and I am not terribly interested in the content of their sessions. Truth be told, it's so nice to have a break from the exhausting task of being the one who listens and has to process. As much as he might be glad he found his therapist, I THANK GOD for him everyday.

I try to show interest by asking if it "was a good session" or something else just to demonstrate I remember therapy was that day if I have been told which often I am not and not act in a way that seems inattentive. Of course this is a no-win as well since he views my polite inquiry with paranoia and if I ignored it altogether I would be not showing care and interest. Very occasionally, I ask if there was any feedback about a particular issue.

Cheating and inappropriate behaviour with women has been a continuing issue and over the past few months has been the most significantly disruptive issues. He mentioned he was going to talk about it in therapy and I was curious about the therapists feedback so I asked. In the course of minimal sharing he mentioned that the therapist had commented on my apparent difficulty with the positive changes dBPDh has been making. I was EXTREMELY surprised to hear that since I do not believe that I am struggling with the changes and that I have not expressed that to the therapist. From my point of view, surely it would be OBVIOUS that I would be the most happy about positive change. After all, who in their right mind would want the pwBPD they live with to not get better? Who in their right mind would be having difficulty with a person displaying reduced aggression, verbal abuse and property destruction, less paranoia, higher levels of distress tolerance and better emotional regulation?

After pressing, he casually said he has mentioned that I had told him "he has been terrible for the past 5 months". His therapist had responded with some disapproving "hmmmm" at what sounded like a dismissive, unsupportive remark on my behalf and launched into some speech about how partners can find change challenging. Except, THAT ISN'T WHAT I SAID!. I said his inappropriate behaviour with women had been out of control for the past 5 months. Which it has been! Of course, I get repeated "feedback" via my partner about how dismissive the therapist thinks I am. Almost every session now almost the only thing he is willing to share is X thought that comment was dismissive, X said you were dismissive, X thinks I handle your dismissive remarks really well.

No matter how much I stand by him, be supportive, acknowledge multiple times per week his hard work and progress, no matter how much crap I take from him, he continues to spread the perspective that I am a terrible person who doesn't care about him and is generally not a very nice person. Over the course of the last 3 years, he has slandered me to anyone who will listen with lies and skewed rubbish. His love interests get the "my wife doesn't treat me nicely and is a big meanie" abandonment story to provoke them into feeling sorry for him. I'm SO sick of hearing it. I'm so sick of being expected to not get upset that despite everything he can't say a nice word about me to anyone.

I pointed out that I was disappointed and hurt to hear that he recalls me that way and concerned about him following advice given based what is basically a misrepresentation of what I said. As you can imagine, that didn't go well. When he is happy and I am white again, he asks all the time what I like about our relationship, our sex life, sending time together, etc and I can't even answer him anymore. How can I feel anything positive about being around someone who betrays me and throws me under the bus on a regular basis?     

 

[Surnia]

Hi HAH

I hear your anger and disappointment.

I agree with you, the best thing is to stay away from the content of his T sessions.

I can understand you are curious about the topic cheating and that you asked. I would have done probably the same. Its a delicate situation - a therapist has not a independent point of view. He can only rely on the things your h told him, and how he is telling it. Its part of the setting. And what your H told you is not necessarily the Ts opinion... .it could be a tinted, interpreted version... .

The important thing is that you are sure about your values, what you did and do for him. That he feels different, like you don't care about him is his sense of entitlement; feelings are facts for him!

I hope it helps a little bit. 

[maxsterling]

I agree with Surnia.  He is telling the therapist his point of view, and he is telling you what the therapist said through his filter.  There's really no reason to ask him about the details of therapy.  If he volunteers it, fine.  But you are unlikely to get any validation of your feelings, and if you feel you need some kind of validation that his cheating was hurtful, then there are much deeper issues.

From my experience with pwBPD, you are unlikely to ever get a complete admission that their behavior was wrong, seldom get a sincere apology, and almost never get a validation of your feelings.  If you feel you need any of the above from your partner, it may be time to think about moving on. 

That's the situation I am in with my dBPDgf.  She has gone to YEARS of therapy, been admitted to hospitals, been on every kind of medication out there, but I am realizing that she still will rarely admit fault for anything, rarely apologize, and I am feeling I can't move on without some kind of acknowledgement that some of the things she has said to me or done to me over the past few months were very hurtful.  But I realize I can't expect that out of her, and if I am expecting that I should really think about what this relationship is doing for me.

[HoldingAHurricane]

Maybe I don't have good awareness but I don't see that I was trying to be validated by asking about what the therapist said. What I was asking about was if the therapist had given any feedback about how realistic fidelity was as a goal and what working towards that would look like. I asked on the basis that he had voluntarily told me that he was going to talk about that at therapy before he went.

In my mind it was the same as if he had been inquiring about treatment for a broken leg and my asking if it was possible to mend it and what mending it might entail. It's information for me to use in my decision-making. If the therapist says "hey you have BPD and you will always do this" or he says "its achievable and this and that have to change for that to work" then I have potentially information. Ultimately, I can make choices even without that information but is it unwise to want to be informed? On that count I got an answer which I was satisfied with without having to know anything about what he said to the therapist.

The issue I am upset with is about validation though. How disheartening it is to hear his broadcasting of his "poor me" story at my expense yet again is very invalidating. It's hurtful and frustrating not to be seen in a more balanced way by the one I love and to be reminded of the negative version of me that exists in his mind. My life doesn't hinge on it but it still hurts.

[Surnia]

HAH

The missing validation is the hard part in many rs here! Yes, it would be so good, if we would hear: Thank you for all you did for me. I can so relate with your frustration.

For some of us it will never happen. Its part of the mental problems of our partners.