sick of hearing his "I'm Sorry" for the way he talks down to me...

[Depression = 72% of members]

ok, I need a good dose of advice, i feel like i am going in this big

vicious circle... .Me and my UBPDBF, living together been together for 8 years... .last nite he tried to talk to me, but his "tone" of voice and the way he said something, made me very upset... .

words come out of his mouth that I am "a useless piece of sh**", told me to "Fuxx off" and "fuxx you"... .all because I was on the computer and **not spending time with him**. I was pissed, told him I want a time out and I am going in the other room, and I do not like the way he talks to me... .so he thinks its ok, cuz he said he was sorry... .and that ALL couples get into heated arguments, and ALL couples call eachother names... .I am so tired of his excuses, I am tired of his verbal abuse... .I am tired of posting this, I know he has done it many times in the past, what I need to do is... .really learn from this and not accept the verbal abuse.

I guess, I hear what everyone will tell me, then the verbal abuse will happen again, then I will just forget about it and accept my BF"s "I am sorrys"... .well sorrys are not cutting it any more.

I am just so tired, so drained of going thru this, almost every 3 or 4 months... .and him trying to tell me "all couples argue, and all couples call eachother names, and I need to get a clue of what the real world is like".

Any feedback?

[Vindi]

ok, I need a good dose of advice, i feel like i am going in this big

vicious circle... .Me and my UBPDBF, living together been together for 8 years... .last nite he tried to talk to me, but his "tone" of voice and the way he said something, made me very upset... .

words come out of his mouth that I am "a useless piece of sh**", told me to "Fuxx off" and "fuxx you"... .all because I was on the computer and **not spending time with him**. I was pissed, told him I want a time out and I am going in the other room, and I do not like the way he talks to me... .so he thinks its ok, cuz he said he was sorry... .and that ALL couples get into heated arguments, and ALL couples call eachother names... .I am so tired of his excuses, I am tired of his verbal abuse... .I am tired of posting this, I know he has done it many times in the past, what I need to do is... .really learn from this and not accept the verbal abuse.

I guess, I hear what everyone will tell me, then the verbal abuse will happen again, then I will just forget about it and accept my BF"s "I am sorrys"... .well sorrys are not cutting it any more.

I am just so tired, so drained of going thru this, almost every 3 or 4 months... .and him trying to tell me "all couples argue, and all couples call eachother names, and I need to get a clue of what the real world is like".

Any feedback?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[HopefulDad]

I've been there.  My BPDw has loudly swore at me and like you, I let it go on.  It was sometimes compounded by happening in front of our young kids.  So I set a firm boundary: I moved out the next time it happened.  We went to therapy in which our CBT called such behavior "emotionally violent" at which point my wife agreed and owned it.  I moved back in and it hasn't happened since.

We have a loonnng way to go as she has a laundry list of BPD-triggered behaviors that need modification, but this one was a deal breaker.

[froggy]

At least you get a "sorry" even if it isn't sincere. ... I don't think I've heard sorry in 33 years.

I'm with Hopeful ... .set your boundaries. ... I know the ones I really put my foot down with have stuck.

[Vindi]

Hopeful and Froggy thanks for the response!

I think the thinks saying *I am sorry* is supposed to wash away the feelings.

Hopeful, i like how you set your boundaries and I need to be much firmer on mine. I have things written down, so I don't forget, and I know if /when this happens again... .I need to tell him to leave... .I need to stand up for myself and my self worth, cuz I know I do not deserve this.

It sucks, cuz I am just going about my business, and he gets into these moods where he "needs" me to be around, and I like to have my space... .so what if I am on the computer, there is no reason to call me names becuz of it.

I need to so toughen up, or I will just keep being a doormat.

[Vindi]

HopefulDa, how long did you move out for, and did she try to stop you?thats what I fear, is I will tell HIM to move out and i know he will feel the abandonment issues, and beg and plead and I am sorry's... .I just feel he may not go... .how does one set a firm clear boundary, without feeling manipulated by their "other"?

[musicfan42]

I think the thinks saying *I am sorry* is supposed to wash away the feelings.

Hopeful, i like how you set your boundaries and I need to be much firmer on mine. I have things written down, so I don't forget, and I know if /when this happens again... .I need to tell him to leave... .I need to stand up for myself and my self worth, cuz I know I do not deserve this.

It sucks, cuz I am just going about my business, and he gets into these moods where he "needs" me to be around, and I like to have my space... .so what if I am on the computer, there is no reason to call me names becuz of it.

You have the right attitude here! I highlighted certain phrases in bold because they're key! You're demonstrating assertiveness by saying "I know I do not deserve this", "I need to stand up for myself", I like to have my space... .there is no reason to call me names because of it".

I agree that you need to set boundaries but you're on the right track here!

You're right-"sorry" doesn't cut it... it's just words!  Actions are what really count! Any time he says "sorry", just basically think to yourself "I'll believe it when I see it" i.e. when you see actual behavior change. In the mean time, set your boundaries and look after no1! It's not being "selfish"-it's self-preservation.

[Vindi]

thanks MusicFan!

I have this written down in my personal journal that if this does happen again, he will be kicked out! so today my bf says... .just cuz we get into an argument and "words are exchanged", I *shouldn't* get so heated up about my feelings being hurt... .he just doesn't get it, probably cuz when he used to be married to his last (ex)wife, they verbally bashed eachother and *they* thought it was ok, it is not okay for me.

I did set my boundary, no more verbal abuse and I need to stick with this! if I don't then I am basically saying its ok to call me names... .I need to stand so strong on this one! just venting out loud!

[froggy]

That's a boundary I need to set as well.

Funny  he says to all of us when we take offence to verbal abuse that we need to get a thicker skin... .this coming from someone who takes offence... or looks for offence in pretty much everything that is said.

I have put my foot down with him saying please to me when asking for something or asking me to do something for him.

He flat out refused... said it was begging.

I stuck to my guns... he would just either do it himself or go without what he wanted than say please... .it's taken 6 months with me sticking to it but I'm now hearing please quite often

Now to work on the verbal abuse

[Vindi]

froggy, so happy for you for setting some good boundaries on "please" and I am glad you are sticking with them.

I know boundaries take time, I have to abide by them, and if I don't then I know I will be miserable and it will just be back to square one again. I keep telling myself *I am worth it* to stick with firm boundaries and never settle for less... .most importantly, I cannot accept any more "I am sorry" and just me forgiving him. Nope it cannot happen, cuz again, nothing towards my feelings will be accomplished.

Keep up the good work... .Froggy!

[froggy]

Thanx Vindi...

I just got fed up with the demands and sense of entitlement.

He can manage to say please to others ... .his excuse that it seems like begging ticked me off as he can say it to others.

I pointed out that even God said please at times.

Even before coming to this site I had stopped reacting to a lot of the drama... .too burned out to bother.

He wants to have a tantrum ... go for it... .like the kids say... .why worry if he's gonna get mad... .he's ALWAYS mad.

I've emotionally detatched... .he's hurt me so much in the last 33 years there is nithing left to hurt.

He wants to stop talking to me... fine... I get a break... .he starts to rant... I don't listen... .he complains about dinner... .what's new... it's not a meal without a complaint .

He's not gonna change... he doesn't think he has a problem... .my goal thus year is to deal with my own depression(I've had issues since I was 8)

Have to work on my own issues... then decide if it's time for  me to fly.

[HopefulDad]

HopefulDa, how long did you move out for, and did she try to stop you?thats what I fear, is I will tell HIM to move out and i know he will feel the abandonment issues, and beg and plead and I am sorry's... .I just feel he may not go... .how does one set a firm clear boundary, without feeling manipulated by their "other"?

I moved out for 10 days.  She didn't try to stop me at the time, but she tried to guilt me into coming back ("Look what you're doing to the kids!", "I want to work things out and you just want to quit!".  No dice.  It took the admission and ownership in therapy for me to move back.

As far as your situation goes, you must ensure you have your ducks in a row.  :)o you have the right to kick him out?  Is the title/lease in your name only?  If so, call your police's non-emergency line and discuss the situation and how they would handle it if you called them to remove your bf... .

... .and to enforce your boundary, you MUST be ready to take the step of calling the police to remove him (if they legally can).

I had to threaten to call the police once to enforce a boundary (she physically tried to keep me from leaving the house to continue an argument I had no desire to continue).  I hate having to even consider taking such steps, but it's called a boundary for a reason.  No crossing, period.

If you cannot make him move out, you have to be ready to leave yourself.  Not fair, but the boundary must be enforced.

[waverider]

This is always a hard one. Its as though saying "sorry" is like simply clicking the restart button on a computer game, and all consequences of previous actions are erased.

it is part of the endless recycling behavior and endless repeating past mistakes as they fail to learn from the past as it is quarantined. I see this in all aspects of my partners life.

Conversely by trying to drag them back into it and get your message across that you are sick of it just escalates it and results in you being labelled as bearing a grudge. It goes nowhere, you get more frustrated

What I did was each time things got out of hand I took a little longer time out. I explained it once then never brought it up again, just did it. So each time was not a repeat time of last time. The consequences compounded. I wasn't starting from scratch having the same "Ground Hog Day" moment each time.

Saying sorry is common issue here, whether not saying it or just saying as a way of wiping the slate. It never seems to be used in the way it is intended. ie learned from that mistake and try not to repeat it.

Sometimes I think saying sorry is just a mirrored word, said for effect, it doesn't have the same depth of ownership in a BPD mind, so I give it little weight. The full depth of feeling behind that word is an alien concept, they can't help it, they just don't really recognize that emotion as we do, the guilt feeling that comes with it is missing.

[Chosen]

Hi Vindi,

It is emotionally draining and damaging to hear these things about yourself.  I got them a lot.  I got told I am scum, b****, c***, I should f*** off... .you get the idea.

And then I set boundaries about these.  I stopped responding to them.  How?  I just told him that because he is attacking me with swear words, I will not repsond to him.  And I don't, until he stops swearing.  He didn't like it at first, and complained, and even escalated.  I didn't budge. 

And it hadn't happened for quite some time now.  By the way, I never ever got a "sorry" from him for the things he said/ did.  I don't think sorry necessarily means anything if he doesn't stop it, so I'd rather take steps to stop it from happening again.  Also, you don't have to explain to him that you don't deserve such words.  It's a decision you make for yourself.  "I will not respond to foul language which only seeks to attack me and is not inviting conversation."  So I don't, no matter how he provokes me.  At the end of the day, they want you to have some sort of response.  If swearing at you don't make it happen, they may try another route.  Mine did- he tried a worse route but that didn't work as well, so these attacks basically stopped.   I didn't think they would but even when he's angry with me now he uses much tamer wordings... .

[Vindi]

THANKS everyone for feedback...

what i am worried about is, yes, I own this home, he lives with me... .so If I have to kick him out, will he leave? or just beg

and plead to stay... .I am not sure if the cops can remove him... .I think i would have to give him 2 weeks notice to leave so he can find another place to stay... .this has been on my mind... .but i know during those 2 weeks he would try to manipulate himself back into my life, and thats where i need to stand strong and firm on my boundaries... .I know taking him back, would be a slap in the face, cuz I would be saying... ."yes its ok to call me bad names, yep... ."... .and for what? to have this man who would degrade me, I don't need to have that type of man in my life... .I just need to stand firm and strong. And... .yes, post here if this does happen!

[HopefulDad]

THANKS everyone for feedback...

what i am worried about is, yes, I own this home, he lives with me... .so If I have to kick him out, will he leave? or just beg

and plead to stay... .I am not sure if the cops can remove him... .I think i would have to give him 2 weeks notice to leave so he can find another place to stay... .this has been on my mind... .but i know during those 2 weeks he would try to manipulate himself back into my life, and thats where i need to stand strong and firm on my boundaries... .I know taking him back, would be a slap in the face, cuz I would be saying... ."yes its ok to call me bad names, yep... ."... .and for what? to have this man who would degrade me, I don't need to have that type of man in my life... .I just need to stand firm and strong. And... .yes, post here if this does happen!

If the house is in your name only, then talk to the police and find out the steps to have him removed should he verbally (and physically... .should it ever come to that) abuse you.  Do not assume or speculate what the cops can and cannot do.  Do not speculate about 2 weeks notice or the like.  Let them tell you.  Then you can come up with a plan on how to deal with the abuse in the future.

[waverider]

Speculation can disable us from appropriate action.

You may be also subconsciously using that as an excuse as you are not quite desperate enough to make that move. When you have decided you have to do it, you will be driven to find out the real facts

I was in the same position and was using the "what ifs" to mask that I hadn't made my mind up and was therefore living by default. This was disempowering. Once I made the choice that I was committed to the RS I found greater direction and purpose.

Indecison is a soul sapper

[Vindi]

THANKS guys for the *speculating*... .i guess i really won't know what will happen til it does... .all I know is that I need to be firm on this boundary, and not settle... .its all a learning process.

At least I know now, that I have choices, if it comes to him leaving, either he goes willingly and soon... .or i have the option to tt the police and see what they can do. I do know that, coming from my bf, he has said in the past "if 2 people don't want to be together, then its time to move on"... .I hope it would be this easy... .and I need to stop the worrying and what ifs and see where life takes me... .with my boundaries enforced!

[allibaba]

... .all I know is that I need to be firm on this boundary, and not settle... .its all a learning process.

I think that if you (as in generally - all of us) continue to work on the Lessons then eventually you get to a point where you won't accept verbal, emotional or physical abuse anymore.

It will be so strong inside of you that you are willing to take the appropriate action regardless of the unknown consequences to your relationship.

The thing to remember is that just because you are protecting yourself doesn't mean that you are giving up.  Just the opposite in fact.  I know personally that if I hadn't started on this path - there would have come a day EVENTUALLY where enough was enough and our relationship would have ended.  

Through using boundaries I am allowing my husband to chose to change (or not) at every step down the path.  In my heart I still believe that I am the most important thing to him (ever) and if he is capable of taking the necessary changes to save us... .then he will.

When you decide its time to enforce the verbal abuse boundary (or the no swearing boundary) you will do it consistently and I suspect that his behavior will change.

[happylogist]

Although I have no good and effective advice, I just want to add that I know how difficult it is for you. The constant "I am sorry" without any substantial changes of action are also a passive-aggressive form of communication. Not only you make him angry, but also since you do not acknowledge that "all couples call each other names" he needs to apologize.

[Grey Kitty]

I agree, this is a case where boundaries will help you more than anything else.

You cannot change prior behavior this way; all you can do is get yourself out of the line of fire in the case of future behavior.

Waverider's suggestion of going away for successively longer times is a good one, and feels more reasonable than making him move out immediately. (Have you read the lesson about how to take a time out recently?)

If he is verbally abusive, go away for 20 minutes. (Bonus points for saying you will walk around the block [or whatever you plan to do] and be back in 20 minutes, reducing his fear of abandonment... .and then sticking to that deadline)

When you return, if he is civil, then stay. If he jumps back into it or escalates, leave for two hours. (same drill)

Next step could be going away for the night to stay with a friend or in a motel, or anyplace you can have a peaceful night of sleep, and catching up with him after work the next day.

Only after that step fails, do you move out (or move him out).

And here's the good part: You don't have to tell him ANY of this plan until it happens. It is for you. As I said, telling him when you are coming back can be a helpful way to allow him to wind down, but it isn't required.

Another communications tip at this time: When stepping out of conflict, saying "I'll come back when you calm down" is likely to push his buttons. Given that you are very upset about these names, you can honestly say "I'll come back when I calm down" or "I can't deal with you right now; I'll return when I can" or even (one I've used!) "I'm going to leave before I say something to you that I'll regret"... .It is easy for him to yell at you "I'm not out of control" or "I'm not angry" and much harder for him to say "You aren't upset".

Good luck and hang in there!

 GK