Two years after the divorce I feel like the crazy paranoid one...

[figtree33]

Ex uBPDh and I have been divorced two years. He has always been a handful (loud, charismatic, and highly reactive) and he is very intelligent and high functioning. More NPD on the surface. Our marriage counselor before the divorce agreed with him having BPD. He himself is a therapist... .So he has extra knowledge and tools to play games with people or manipulate situations/people.

He acted out and did a lot of things that severely hurt me and the kids reputation and credibility. He was so out of line when he acted out during and shortly after our divorce that a majority of people that I was friends with and families that knew us through the kids activities have branded me as crazy and unstable from guilt be association. Many of the things he said and did would be hard to explain because they only happen on soap operas, they aren't supposed to take place in real life... .Most people who have gotten to know us well can see his level of crazy. 

I have worked very hard to stay low profile, peaceful, supportive, and positive for the kids and to prove by example with others that where there is smoke, there is not always fire... .Meaning I am not the instigator or issue, it's all him. I don't defend, I don't engage, and I never correct unless appropriate when people mention him or bring up gossip.

Unfortunately as much as he pretends to have moved on, he has also duped and manipulated multiple people to believe his crazy stories of how mentally unstable I am. Because of the reaction I get and the isolation by others that has happened because no one wants to deal with him (and if they talk to me he gets jealous and tried to compete for the friendship) I feel like I'm the crazy one. I hate the fact that every time I encounter someone, especially one who hasn't met me yet but has been around him (he likes to hover and meddle so people are forced to interact) I feel like something has been said by him and little digs and comments about me based off the very odd reaction others give me, Like you are walking around with a "kick me" sign on you... .

Who else is dealing with the consequences of being associated with this behavior, and how are you addressing it without drawing more attention to it or making yourself look bitter and crazy. I never have had any of these issues with my oldest daughters dad or family from a previous relationship a long time ago, he is definitely one of a kind... .

I'm just tired of feeling trapped or like I'm the crazy one because people seem to believe and gravitate towards him and believe him because of his profession and his acting abilities.

[momtara]

It is a shame that after the divorce, we still walk on eggshells for years.  I know it will be like this for me too.  Did your hubby have a psych eval?  How much custody time do you have?  Well, hang in there. 

[Free One]

I understand the feeling of walking around with a "kick me" sign. I'm also two years divorced. While I don't doubt ex has told people I am crazy, I've learned that much of my feelings were my own low self esteem. The reality is most mentally healthy people can understand that there are always two sides in a divorce. They also are able to make their own judgements based on behaviors. So, I take the high road and let my actions speak for me. I don't say negative things about ex (unless venting to my close friends). It takes time, but people will see the truth, especially if he is bad mouthing you, but you don't do the same to him. I have also been very fortunate in having mutual friends and acquaintances who have directly said to me that they see the dysfunction in my ex.

I saw this quote early in the divorce process and have really tried to live by it: "Live in such a way that if anyone should speak badly of you, no one would believe it." - Unkown

[crystal]

Yes, I had to deal with a lot of that and it was very very hard and lonely and made me feel even more full of self doubt.  I ended up parting ways with a lot of casual mutual friends. I refused to share the really bad stuff with anyone but my closest friends and some people chose to believe his stories and  that hurt. And some "friends" just seemed to want to dig for the dirt and gossip. I didnt want that either. I was lonely.

It was especially hard becuase we had school age children so many of teh parents kinda shunned me.   And he had a professional relationship with a lot of MY work colleagues and again, some of them seemed to delight in hearing bad things... I figure these were not friends I wanted. 

But take the high road and look new places for new friends. And give it time.  The people  Ihave lost as friends, probably never really were friends. Some folks have come around and now come to me and say "OH MY GOD! He is Crazy"  I agree but still dont get into it with them. My closest friends are closer than ever.  Having to find new friends required me to look outside my work and kid's school friends. As a result my new friends are more diverse and add SO much to my life. I am 5 years out.  Life is good. Yes, I still run into people who I KNOW think I am a mean bad hateful person but I know I am not and I dont care any more.

Where did I find new friends? Joined groups that did things I enjoyed (yes, got back to new hobbies!)

Good luck! It will get better

[scraps66]

I have these feeling constantly as well.  Our timeframes are similar, two years out of a four year process, and our ex's are similar. Mine exuBPD/NPDw can put on a show.  My ex devised a plan for her distortions and slander by first having me kicked out of the house.  She then drug the divorce out where I was paying for her (and boyfriend) to live in the marital residence for 15 months.  15 x $2000 that's $30,000 in extra living expenses = financial abuse.  In all that time, my ex had the luxury of interacting with the neighborhood all that time.  In parallel, I was trying to motivate my L to get on with the equitable distribution process and that was drug out for 19 months, by ex, and in all that time period she produced NO financial records.  So, since anything she every had financially was mine, our determination was that I would have to buy her out of the house. All of a sudden, out o the blue, she's moving out and was buying her own house.  How did this happen? 

So I move back into the house, and I still get the feelings you get while walking down the street with my kids, eyes are on you and when you talk to people you can see or feel this doubt or cautiousness they have toward you.  My ex is the classic NPD, high IQ high functioning, blame shifting chameleon.  I on the other hand am the quiet, unengaging introvert.  while no one has directly approached me about just how this all fleshed out, the neighbors are not entirely welcoming on me or my kids in this old neighborhood.

I have always sort of kept to myself even before this debacle.  But, this situation is awkward at the least.  My ex has kept her foot in the neighborhood by having a boyfriend that is best friends with a neighbor down the street.  This neighbor just so happens to have a son that is best buddies with my S6.  So they no doubt get downloaded distortions from my ex via the bf.  They have no approached or asked me anything, obvious I can only get so close to these neighbors, and the wife has just recently taken a shot at me for leaving my son at her house with her son, and running a very short errand.  Bad by me, but the text message started and was disproportionate to the offense, "SCRAPS! Don't you ever leave... .blah blah."  Had an edge to it. 

So, how to handle all of this, I don't know. I have done as you have, kept relatively quiet, have an S9 who through his modeled behavior ostracized himself from the three boys on the street he could play with, and I am left not feeling like I can talk to the parents because ex has told the neighborhood that S9 behaves badly when in my care.  It hasn't gotten tremendously easier.  I do see the merits in moving, and starting fresh elsewhere, but that is easier said than done. 

My ex also "threatens" me with the, "why don't you just move on," however consistently maintains the conflict with such things as scheduling kid activities that only she can support even on my parenting days, trivial things like forgetting to give back lunch boxes which the kids need, I pack lunches she wants them buying, objecting to my daycare choices, tax fraud, and working well below earning capacity.

So this is now my rant, but you can see you are not alone.