It took me a while to understand the title. But I don't think you were painted black entirely. She obviously wanted you to read those notes... .whatever her reason was, it wasn't a full scale rage assault or complete silent treatment. I would interpret it as she actually wanted you to understand her to a certain extend.
Yes, I think so. There have been no arguments after the one we had 6 weeks ago after I caught her pathologically lying to me and I said it was over. They are good at living the in-betweens. Our T said to give it some time to wind down. I gave it 3 weeks. I don't know if I had been patient enough for two more weeks if things could be getting better by now. Now I will never know. But I came to the point where I needed to value
myself. It was like we were waiting for her to make
her decision. I told her a relationship was two people and that is was my choice whether this continued or not as well. She replied in the affirmative, but I don't think really understood it.
Still... you weren't in her diary?
I was when I found her kind of hidden diary (a separate book) and entries made two weeks ago. Now, not at all.
But isn't a more likely reason that she just takes you for granted.
She does, which is why I stopped enabling her "teen mom" act. She goes out, but not until all hours of the morning anymore. I don't go out at night at all except for 1/week bible study/men's fellowship. We trade that for her opposite night exercise class. Other than that, she asks, because I have to stay home with the kids.
She still takes me for granted in other ways... .like me cooking (I think she will miss that), etc.
The fact that I will be there for her emotionally if everything totally breaks down after she leaves. I told her as much in my note to her that that would always be my role to some extent because of the children. It's good for her, certainly good for the next guy(s), not so good for me, but due to our children, that is life. That does not mean feedback through texts and other conversations. My NC rule is if everything goes to heck and she is in suicide ideation mode, or mistreating the children. I've seen the former once, and the latter enough times to give me pause.
Silent Treatment erodes us, but we are still there.
The funny thing is that I was the one giving her more of the ST over the past few months before this exploded. I know I internalized my resentment of her after her "I'm unhappy! you need to do x, y, z to make me happy!" speech. Along with two little kids, a high pressure job and the other normalities of life. The thing is, that many of her complaints about me were legitimate in a healthy relationship. Then again, they would have been minimal in a healthy relationship because I felt I would have had that support and I and a healthy woman would probably have mirrored each other positively or complimentary, rather than as Caretaker/child.
Still now, I feel that she would be open to a Conversation. Kids complicate this whole mess. Part of me wants her to fall hard (which she thinks she might and I think so too), but she also needs to keep it together to help raise the kids. I could do it alone, but that wouldn't be fair to me or the kids. They already think it normal that mommy is gone so much and that's sad.
LC: Hey Turkish, it sounds like you are still very wrapped up in what your wife is thinking or at least what she is journaling. You know her better than anyone else, would she leave these journals out just from being scatterbrained or do you feel there is intent (consciously or subconsciously)? Is it helping you cope by reading them?
I think what she wrote is very BPD: the emptiness and the attempt to define herself through her roles. Unfortunately defining ourselves only by our roles is unstable because any of these can be taken away from us in a flash (an employee can be fired, a spouse can become widowed, a parent can lose their child, etc). When somebody is filled with this type of anxiety, I'm not sure there's enough room in their head for anybody else.
Yes, part of it is being scatterbrained, but I think not so subconsciously she wants me to find it. Out in the room is one thing. Put on top of stuff she knows I go through every day is another. It helps me cope by helping me to understand where her thinking is day to day. I see a progression, not necessarily to reconciliation, but to see her realizing what she is struggling with. I am mostly past the "I love her! I hate her! I love her!" stage (my T laughed when I said this). But in her lingo, I have "a love" for her, if only due to our kids.
She left the other morning and told the kids she loved them. I was turned away from her and I thought I heard her say "I have a love for you, too." I pretended like I didn't hear her since I had already said goodbye. I really don't know (no) if it will "come back" or not. But we can't continue the same dynamic. I won't do it. In that, any future relationship might not be possible. I can change. I don't know if she can, even if she is high functioning enough that she desperately wants to.
I felt that I was giving 150% effort, and so it was hard to feel like my exgf was only giving 50% effort or less. But maybe it was a good thing to realize it.
She admitted over a month ago that I was giving 110%. Admitted to being like her father which she hated. But she couldn't come back. She operates off of the script in her head and heart, burned there in her childhood. It's what compels them.
Waifed: As uncertain as you are about your future, she must be mortified of the thought of being abandoned and therefore she is totally self absorbed. It sounds like she is leaving the journal out in the open for you to read. Maybe she feels like this is the only way she can communicate her thoughts to you more clearly in her mind.
She is terrified. Even though she became the manifestation two of her own worst fears (cheater, abandoner), being alone is her worst, perhaps. She knows that she alternates between something semi-stable and something very bad (like the boyfriend she dumped 8 months before she met me... .a real loser who ended up in the county jail... .the one previous was more "normal" though had narcissistic tendencies). She doesn't trust herself, and she shouldn't!
But the show must go on. The script has to be read. I never cheated on her, and I never physically abandoned her, so she put me into the script as emotionally abandoning her "just like her father." exact quote from her. So sad.
I believe that you really do need to separate from her physically until your head clears and make a decision at that point (assuming she wants to stay). I think if you weigh the good and the bad with a clear mind you will know which way to go. You know either way the people on this site will support you.
Oh, she wants to stay. I don't. Tired of living the lie and I want the kids to detach from thinking this lie is normal as early as possible so my son isn't here on BPDF making a similar post in 30 years.
Thanks for your support and compassion, all of you!
