reflecting on 4 months of silence post-breakup... which wasn't my choice

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all of you - checking in after awhile... .on a Friday night.

I'm doing much better since my unBPDex broke things off in early July. It's all still strange, but knowing about this disorder-along with therapy, friends, family, you all... is helping me heal so much.  I've come a long long way.

I realize how he so aggressively ATTACHED to me, my life, my family, my friends... .  He really brought very very little to my life in terms of richness.  He certainly did constantly do wonderful things for me tho.  I realize with clarity now, how little of himself he brought.  At the end, I believe that he felt suffocated/engulfed because he really was surrounded by love, care, people who wanted to spend time with him... .and he just couldn't handle it-and had no self to ground in.  We had 2.5 wonderful years together... .in spite of the red flags (hindsight is great-right?)  and they were all about the childish behavior, strange emotional reactions to stuff, getting too close too fast-not respecting my boundaries and me brushing it off... ."but he's so sweet!"

At the end of the day tho, it still hurts to be disposed of.  You can understand it in your brain... .and your heart takes so long to catch up.  Same story... I know.   

I've continued to send little texts - photos of friends, me... .of his daughters.  Messages of thoughts of him... .   but I can honestly say I am through doing that.  Now, will that trigger contact from him?  dunno   But if it does, I really feel that I'm ready-protected, strong-ish, safe.

Four months of not hearing from him after 2.5 yrs of almost daily contact/sharing... .feels like such a long long time.  I wonder if he even remembers me.  I wonder if any of you have had a similar experience.  We never fought... .just his rage at the end.

xx

[isseeu]

Hi all of you - checking in after awhile... .on a Friday night.

I'm doing much better since my unBPDex broke things off in early July. It's all still strange, but knowing about this disorder-along with therapy, friends, family, you all... is helping me heal so much.  I've come a long long way.

I realize how he so aggressively ATTACHED to me, my life, my family, my friends... .  He really brought very very little to my life in terms of richness.  He certainly did constantly do wonderful things for me tho.  I realize with clarity now, how little of himself he brought.  At the end, I believe that he felt suffocated/engulfed because he really was surrounded by love, care, people who wanted to spend time with him... .and he just couldn't handle it-and had no self to ground in.  We had 2.5 wonderful years together... .in spite of the red flags (hindsight is great-right?)  and they were all about the childish behavior, strange emotional reactions to stuff, getting too close too fast-not respecting my boundaries and me brushing it off... ."but he's so sweet!"

At the end of the day tho, it still hurts to be disposed of.  You can understand it in your brain... .and your heart takes so long to catch up.  Same story... I know.   

I've continued to send little texts - photos of friends, me... .of his daughters.  Messages of thoughts of him... .   but I can honestly say I am through doing that.  Now, will that trigger contact from him?  dunno   But if it does, I really feel that I'm ready-protected, strong-ish, safe.

Four months of not hearing from him after 2.5 yrs of almost daily contact/sharing... .feels like such a long long time.  I wonder if he even remembers me.  I wonder if any of you have had a similar experience.  We never fought... .just his rage at the end.

xx

[fromheeltoheal]

Four months of not hearing from him after 2.5 yrs of almost daily contact/sharing... .feels like such a long long time.  I wonder if he even remembers me.  I wonder if any of you have had a similar experience.  We never fought... .just his rage at the end.

Oh, he remembers you.  My take is borderlines repress everything and never fully process.  The emotions, primarily shame, would just be too strong, so they jump into another relationship and start the process all over again.  I got an earful about what a scumbag her last ex was, so I'm sure the new one is getting one about me, but in the quiet times when they're alone, which they try to minimize, they remember us, that pain comes bubbling up, and they find a way to soothe, or just curl up in a fetal position and rock, I caught mine doing that more than once.

[isseeu]

Hi heeltoheel

I saw something similar.  So many strange things I remember now.  For example- I have this morning routine of sitting on the floor in my bedroom in front of a mirror to blow dry my hair.  He used to sit on the floor behind me with his head on my back... seriously.  There were so many childlike behaviors.  At times (early in the rel) he would sit on the floor in front of my while I was on the couch for ex with his head on my knee while I talked. 

I am pretty sure he isn't in a relationship right now-not that it would matter.  I believe that he has latched onto a buddy who owns a car restoration shop and is trying to figure out a way to work with him and make money... .since he's broke (financially, physically, emotionally).  So sad... .a retired navy pilot, captain for a major airline... .  impulsive spending-three marriages... .  Really attractive stuff huh.

[isseeu]

which begs the question... .why is he still occupying so much brain space.

[fromheeltoheal]

which begs the question... .why is he still occupying so much brain space.

Because attachment is life or death for a borderline, and they've perfected ways of worming their way into our psyche.  One profound thing I've learned about BPD is the fact that when a borderline attaches to someone they interpret that as being one person with no boundary, not two autonomous people in a partnership.  That could be considered the ultimate in intimacy, but it's not, it's the creepy parasitic version, subconscious for them mind you, but susceptible folks like us just let one march right in, and it takes a while to get the hooks out.