What the heck IS there no escape?

[AG]

I was feeling weak today and damn near was about to break my no contact. I havent contacted her in a couple of days maybe almost a week since the last incident I had with her that pissed me off and hurt me simultaneously. I was sitting home depressed and battling thoughts back and forth. Actually thinking of asking if she was ok since the last time I basically told her about herself and not in a nice way. I kept telling myself she does not care about you is looking to use you for personal gain. I also tried to devalue and think of the negative stuff instead of the positive. All of that was not working so I decided to sign on to my dating site profile. I look in the viewed me section and sure enough it was her who last viewed me. What the heck! I signed on that thing to try to escape. Of course I couldnt contain myself to not look at her profile which in turn pissed me off even more because now she is going to see that I viewed her as well. Im already hurting badly enough inside and its taking everything in me to not contact her. I even felt like messaging her on the dating site like "What the heck why are you on here with me what are you trying to pull here". Now thoughts like did she do this on purpose are circulating and does she want me to know shes on here. Is she trying to hurt me? Make me jealous? What gives here? Now I feel like deleting the damn thing. Im battling though if I delete this does that mean she won? If I stay on Im honestly probably going to constantly look at her page for no damn reason whatso ever and look at her pics over and over again. Or look at the slightest of changes. I feel invaded out of my own space. I feel hurt. I do feel Jealous, I do feel angry, I do feel like messaging her and saying what the hell gives here. I havent though Im fighting the temptation as badly as I want to. Also what annoys me is that I have a date tommorow with someone new that I met at a speed dating event I went to 3 weeks ago. Im honestly know I shouldnt even be dating right now but am trying to do it anyway by brute force. I know Im not fit to date yet. This small situation just made it a hell of alot worse for me and Im feeling anxiety inside even thinking about it. What the heck its like she has a camera inside my heart that knows when IM trying to move on and get better.

[ShadowDancer]

There is no defeat in retreat. Sometimes it is necessary to burn the village to save the castle. Particularly in the face of continuing mounting losses. With that in mind if it were my decision I'd quietly shut down ALL avenues of social media contact. Just sayin... .if you focus on the problem and not the solution your only left with the problem. After it isn't just about them.

[Suzn]

Im battling though if I delete this does that mean she won?

No, it means you win. Because you know... .

If you stay on you're honestly probably going to constantly look at her page for no damn reason whatso ever and look at her pics over and over again. Or look at the slightest of changes. You feel invaded out of your own space. You feel hurt. You do feel Jealous, you do feel angry, you do feel like messaging her and saying what the hell gives here. You havent though, you're fighting the temptation as badly as you want to. 

[frag1911]

So you're trying to get by.  You found she has joined the same dating site and then looked at your profile.  You have no obligation to contact her about anything.  You know that doing so only reinforces her power over you.  Don't let her continue to rent space in your head, just to make you miserable.  As Suzn said, you win because you know... .but those dots are about the rest of it.  You have to stay strong for yourself and not let her get into your head, because you left the door hanging open.

Make it strong, make it long.

[AG]

Thanks everyone. As hard as it was I just deleted the thing. That site is the same site we met on. We also both deleted it together in front of each other when we commited to each other two years ago. When we werent together these past 4 or 5 months ago she already knew I was back on the site because I told her I was on it. Back in June before he last break up she attempted suicide and I had to rush her to the hospital. I still stayed and got some more of a emotional punching bag treatment. After the last emotional punching bag episode I said lets take a break so she can get better which caused more punching bag treatment. I never wanted anyone else and stated that only cared about her getting better. I chased her around for 4 to 5 months after the breakup and wanted to help her acquiring all kinds of knowledge of the disorder. So much it made my head spin from over consumption. Recently about two weeks ago she emailed me with another suicide threat I came running only to later find out it was a form a manipulation to get me in bed and more sympathy and nurturing. I cut her off deleting my email accounts except one and letting her know I knew of her deciept not in a nice way. And now this which I believe is on purpose. Anyhow thanks for the extra guidance. I will keep returning for help if I have to. I cannot beleive the lack of boundaries with this sickness. I cannot believe I still love her either. I hate that I love her still after all this crap. Im sick as well for this fact. Let her have the damn site though screw it. It is what it is. I highly doubt though that this is the last of it. Like I said in my other post of the last incident I am almost positive she will reach out by showing up to my apt or some other method. Im gathering strength by the minute.

[frag1911]

Good for you, brother.  You're right, it is what it is.  It's her problem, and not yours.  Are you planning how to get further away from her?

I've started planning my exit strategy.  She's packing to leave now.  I'm not accepting her overtures to keep together.  I'm done.

So after she leaves, depending on some other issues, I will move myself as soon as possible.  Unlike her, I have the resources and help to move in a couple of hours.  I'll also get a new phone number, I can always delete any emails from her, and I even finish my lower level college courses this fall, so she won't know where I'm going to school.

[Suzn]

I hate that I love her still after all this crap. Im sick as well for this fact. Let her have the damn site though screw it. It is what it is. I highly doubt though that this is the last of it. Like I said in my other post of the last incident I am almost positive she will reach out by showing up to my apt or some other method. Im gathering strength by the minute.

Sometimes it's a show of love to leave someone with themselves AG. When one doesn't know, or care to, take care of themselves they rely on others to do this for them. This is childlike. At some point we all hope to grow up and care for ourselves and we can't DO this for someone else. Only ourselves. If people keep saving her she will not learn to save herself by learning healthy coping skills. One has to want to reach for professional help. We, as laymen, don't have the qualifications.

Suicide threats are always to be taken seriously and your care for her call of distress is commendable.  If she shows up at your door with a suicide threat you can offer to take her to a hospital. (Not spend the day in bed as that only reinforces her behavior) Putting the number for a suicide hotline in her hands so that she can help herself when she is feeling this way can be helpful too. When she realizes these are the only things you will do, her reaching to you to "save her" will likely change to someone else. Unless she decides to actually reach out for that help for herself. 

[AG]

"Good for you, brother.  You're right, it is what it is.  It's her problem, and not yours.  Are you planning how to get further away from her?"

No I havent planned any further. I would have to change jobs and leave my apt which Im still under lease for. Coincidentally Im catching up on back rent at the same time because I spent all my resources within the last 4 months or so like a fool trying to get her back aka "save her". She is in therapy however I do not think that she is looking within which renders any therapy pointless. It is still the same "You left me when I needed you" "You hung up on me when I needed you", "You told me you cant deal with this right now when I needed you". All of these things were actually true. I did hang up when I could no longer take the verbal bashing and attacks to my self esteem. After an hour or two of being yelled at and told your crap and all sorts of other insulting things you would hang up too. I did leave somewhat when she kept sceaming at the top of her lungs after I already went through the hospital/sucide incident and she was diagnosed I called her for her to yell at me to the maximum extent and continuously hang up everytime screaming "You dont own me raaaaarrwwww". Thats word for word no exageration on the raaaarrrw.After maybe about 5 of those hang ups and raaaarrwws. I said very calm "Is it me maybe we should just take a break Im not going to see anyone Ill still be here and still will take you in I just want you to get better". She said no lets break up so I said ok I just want her to get better and care about her. Since then I have spent lots of money on trying to make her happy or at times I was so depressed I was spending money frivulously just to cope and get by myself. I dont have the resources to make any moves from where I live Im using them all to catch up and get myself out of the situation I put myself in. I shouldnt even be going on a date today for emotional reasons as well as money issues. I can hack one date though its not gonna get me evicted its not that serious but you get what Im saying money is tight right now till I catch up and gather my bearings again. Honestly speaking as well Ill be damned if I get chased out my apt as well. Ive already gotten chased out of everything else. Do these borderlines ever get better? I know this may sound weakish but do they ever "see the light"? I even told her that if I saw maximum effort on her end I would deal with whatever symptoms followed. However I dont see her reading and reading like me or putting in half of the effort I am and I most certainly dont see her taking responsibility for her actions. Is this a doomed sickness? In the back of my mind there is a fairy tale part that hopes she would just try. Even through all of the Bull ish I would take her back in a second and battle side by side with her if she were putting in maximum effort. Am I dreaming a hopeless dream?

[Suzn]

AG it sounds as though you have been trying to exercising good boundaries. When someone is out of control on the phone screaming at you you CAN hang up. Your boundary "I will not be raged at" is not out of line.

Taking care of your needs is just as important as caring about someone else's needs while in a relationship. In order for a relationship to be healthy there needs to be some interdependence. Dependence only, is not healthy. It's also not loving.

It's good to hear she is in therapy, you can't do any of this part for her, this part has to be done alone. There is no way any of us can tell you whether or not she will gain insight from her therapy. As long as she is enabled (someone always saving her) and she always looking to be saved, it's unlikely. Hitting bottom is when someone realizes they only have themselves to look to for self preservation.

Good for you for taking care of you on your rent and your well being.  

[MammaMia]

AG

If what your BPDexgf does is working to manipulate you, she has no desire or need to change.  She is getting exactly what she wants.

You are making efforts to change yourself and your relationship with her. That is the right thing to do.  Move forward and be very careful about looking back.

You have a right to be happy.  :)o not allow her to sabotage your dreams.

[frag1911]

I'm glad you took care of yourself when she was raging on the phone at you.  I had the same experiences, including walking out the door.  As Suzn said, you have to set the boundaries, and that's how you protect yourself. 

I agree with her about the interdependence and dependence also, but want to include independence.  Every person has the right to some things (emotional, intangible, concrete, whatever) that is theirs and theirs only.  Even in healthy marriages, both people should have their own things that is theirs alone.  It doesn't even have to be hidden, as long as the other person honors that independent item.

For me, it's about going back to school and advancing my degree.  For her, it was time not accounted for, as if I were on a time clock in our relationship, because we weren't together.  She felt that she didn't know what I was doing or where I was at.  It was viewed as my escaping from her instead of being with her.  Even doing homework was a violation of our time together; "you had three hours to do that before I got home" is a good example.

Then add the accusations.  To her, I left for class too early because it only takes 10 minutes to drive there... .if I hit all the lights green, yes that's right.  But there's also the time finding a parking spot in a crowded small community college, and the time it takes to walk the campus to get to class.  Apparently that doesn't count though. 

And of course to her I was leaving so early because I was getting a "quickie" when I got to school, because of all the good looking women on campus.