Can't deal with it anymore, I'm done

[frag1911]

Hello, folks.  I just joined the site a few days ago, and now I’m already in this “Ending it” forum.  It’s been a hard time.  We have been together almost 4 years.

I had insisted on our going to relationship counseling, hoping to if not end the rollercoaster, to at least smooth it out a bit.  She fought it tooth and nail.  I didn’t realize that by doing this, it had put her on the hyper-defensive.  Sessions became more like a sports game, and she had to score more and more points to make me out to be the bad guy.

Our history has been that I have been continuously accused of being a liar and cheater, and any small thing possible was woven into those assumptions.  She has spied on my by several means, and not just by going through my wallet or phone.  She actually set up a recorder in our apartment.  Even having the back seat of my Jeep Cherokee folded down was “proof” that I was cheating on her, even though the reason it was down was to help her replace her flat tire. I had to fold the seat down to get a large floor jack and her tire in the truck.  In counseling sessions, she would blurt out whatever vague and random things she could think of to support her accusations. 

Starting last week, our counselor agreed that I would respond to some of these random statements, accusations and innuendo comments.  For every comment that she had made, there is the “rest of the story”, such as the back seat of my truck being down.  Her expansive statement that I don’t do anything for her, after playing “20 questions”, ended up being that I don’t buy her cards and flowers.  I’m not that type of guy, and she knew this when we started, but I make up for it in so many other ways, such as her fondness for cat knick knacks, and other gifts and special times for us. 

In that session, I was able to explain a couple of them, that I could remember.  Unlike what she had done in “shotgunning” all those comments out at one time, our counselor let me finish explaining one item, and then turned to my girlfriend for her response.  After the second item, she clammed up and didn’t want to play anymore.

After that session, and the evening to emotionally recover, things seemed okay.  For a week, there were no fights, no accusations.  A couple of days later we went out to dinner and movie.  Yes, we even had sex a couple of times that week.  Cuddled on the couch watching tv, laughed about some silly stuff. 

Then we went back to session today.  She didn’t want to talk at all.  How was the week?  Okay, we did this and that.  Then the counselor asked her if she was ready for me to talk about those issues?  Fine.  Whatever.

I brought up her comment that I was looking for my ex-wife.  The “rest of the story” is that I mentioned that when I stopped paying child support (daughter is 18), I believe my ex moved them away (they lived in a different state) to further alienate my daughter.  I have no idea where she is.  I said I wish I could afford a private eye to find them so I know where my daughter is.  Obviously, that’s not what my girlfriend decided I was talking about from her accusation.  I could care less about my ex, and the girlfriend even travelled to the other state and sat in court with me and knows lots of the details.  Why would she even begin to think that I wanted to find my ex, other than to find my daughter?

Well, when the counselor opened the floor to my girlfriend, she got disjointed and started throwing out all kinds of garbage, just as she had before.  Absolutely nothing had to do with the subject of my daughter and ex.  She even went back to things from 3 years ago about an ex-girlfriend I left (in another state!) long before her, and her own ex-husband(!).  Even the counselor had to get loud to stop her tirade and point out that nothing she said had anything to do with my daughter and ex-wife.

And then my girlfriend just dropped the bomb.  She had not only spied on me, but accessed my Facebook and email.  Again the one-sided accusations; I was cheating on her with my married ex-girlfriend and I had a second phone to hide from her.  Wow.  The “rest of the story”; the woman I had dated before her, had asked me and my girlfriend out to lunch with her and her husband, and someone in my emotional abuse support group had suggested that I get a second phone, which I declined to do since I’m not hiding anything anyway.

After she blurted all this out (as I said, she can’t keep her mouth shut, trying to score points), she decided it was “game over”, and walked out of the session.  After a few comments with the counselor, I left the building and she was walking across the parking lot with her phone to her ear.  My truck was the other way, so I got in and left.  She obviously didn’t want to ride with me since she was walking across the parking lot.

Right now, she’s packing her stuff in our apartment, and I’m making sure she isn’t taking anything that is mine.  Of course I was accused of abandoning her in the parking lot.  She continually comes up to me trying to talk, but it’s all about accusing me of destroying our relationship or other such things, then plays lip service to “it takes two” to make a relationship, then goes back to crapping all over me for what I did to us, etc.

I’m done.  I don’t care anymore.  I want her out of my life.  I know that there will be hell to pay, as she is very vindictive.  I can just imagine what’s going on Facebook right now, and of course she’s relating her story to as many people as she possibly can.  That’s okay, since we don’t have any common friends anyway.  She has involved her adult kids in our troubles in the past, and even gone to her co-workers.   I haven’t shopped in her store for months after finding that out.  I don’t need to be treated, or feel intimidated, by these people who aren’t part of my life.

[RecycledNoMore]

If you are serious my advice is block fb, block emails, change your number, make sure she leaves nothing behind, I dont think this will be the last you hear of her, sad but true.

[frag1911]

Oh, I'm sure of that.  She has been coming at me regularly with blaming accusations, then those oh so intense "I loved you so much" statements, then flips again.  Then it's the "you don't care because you don't even show anything", like I want to cry about this now.  I'm sure she'll hit up every contact I have on my FB page (which I don't even go on for months at a time, while she lives on FB) and try to present some whaa whaa stories. 

If she does leave anything, I'll just set it outside on the patio.  I can get cited for destruction of private property if I do anything else, but not like I'm going to stoop to her level.  I'm monitoring what's going on because I can expect her to be vindictive and try to steal, damage or destroy my stuff.

Now it's time for the healing to begin

[fromheeltoheal]

Sorry man, been there, and it is absolutely crazymaking.  A their core a borderline doesn't like or care about themselves at all, and considers themselves deeply flawed and inadequate.  My experience with couples therapy is that an environment is created by the therapist where it needs to get real, no fcking around, and open, honest communicating is the whole point.  That scenario is a major trigger for a borderline, since up to that point it's all been a facade they've created in front of the empty worthlessness they consider themselves to be, and if there's a threat of the curtain being pulled back and the way they really feel about themselves exposed, they will die of shame.  So then the dysregulation, gaslighting, the accusations, the flailing with everything they've got to avoid exposure.  Which is totally fcking stupid because all we're trying to do is love and care about them.  It is not rational, it is a serious mental illness.  You might be able to relate to this, take what you need, and take care of you!

[frag1911]

Well, it's the day after, and I'm still here.  She worked early and I had class part of the afternoon. Last night, she assumed that she was going to sleep in the bed.  Wasn't going to happen.  She slept on the couch.  Of all the furniture in the apartment, she owns her computer desk, tv and a chaise lounge.  Everything else is mine from previous marriage, but I might just let her have an entertainment center 

Today, I stayed away from home, talked to a couple of people from my abuse support group by phone.  Later, I met with the couple who had invited us out (the ex-g/f my uBPD claimed I was cheating with).  It was the first time I met her husband; nice guy, easy to talk to, not awkward about my being his wife's ex-b/f.  He even offered to help me get back into martial arts (he is multi-disciplined and teaches at the community college I attend).

I visited my folks for a bit, both are in their 70's.  I gave them the details about the break up, and what happened with the counselor yesterday.  They were surprised of course, we had hidden things well from everyone else.

I got home, and haven't acknowledged her.  She has packed more boxes, but I'm starting to feel like she will stay until the end of the month.  She hasn't touched clothes, bathroom items, that sort of stuff.  I'm expecting her to start closing on me to try to mend things again, probably Saturday or Sunday. 

I talked to our counselor; she has to touch base with some other social workers (she's a MSW, LCSW) as to whether it's appropriate for her to continue to see me, without my uBPD's permission, since it's about her that I would need further counseling.  Because of this, I now have to honestly list my ex-g/f as undiagnosed.  Now that's just so much fun to hear.  I'm guessing I may as well start looking for another counselor though.

[fromheeltoheal]

You sound strong frag, doing what you have to do in a difficult situation.  Hopefully the rest of her moving out goes as smoothly as it can; a little concerning that she might be there till the end of the month, that's plenty of time for drama.  Stay strong and keep talking.

[Learning_curve74]

Hi frag1911, I was writing with you on the intro board and was hopeful that you and your gf could work things out. I'm sorry to hear about the recent turn of events. It can definitely be extremely frustrating how some pwBPD fare in counseling.

It's good that you're doing things for yourself like visiting with your old friend and her husband as well as visiting your parents.

I hope that you work things out with seeing a therapist or counselor on your own. I found that therapy was very helpful for me both during and after my relationship.

Good luck to you! 

[frag1911]

Hi, Curve.  Thanks, I appreciate it.  I'm retired military and know how helpful counseling can be.  The ex-g/f I met with (with her husband... .let's keep that in there! ) was sure that things weren't going good, because she could see my uBPD cycling in her ups and downs, just by looking at what quotes and images she was posting.  They flip between intense negatives and positives of course.

I did not post on my FB that I was ending the relationship.  I did post some info about what BPD is, but never commented on why I was posting it.  Some of my "friends" on FB know that I am schooling for a degree in Social Work, and I sometimes post info about things such as poverty issues, or TED presentations, Universal Health Care, etc.  It wouldn't stand out as unusual for me to do. 

Another friend has been monitoring my uBPD's FB for me.  She outed herself.  She is in full "attack" mode, venting her denial that she has a disorder, and continues her behavior of ranting (as she would do via text at me) about me being a liar and cheating on her.  I'm sure that she was expecting me to engage her comments, but I stopped validating her rantings a long time ago by not participating.

I have "unfriended" her from my FB.  I have school to help me stay in good spirits and keep my own distress at lower levels.  I have info here to read and support from contacts on the emotional abuse support group I joined earlier this year, before the counselor we just left pointed out BPD to me.  I keep going. 

I'm actually finding that my own physical tension has declined a lot in the last couple of days, since the blow up at the counselor's office, and despite the fact that my uBPD is still in the apartment and packing.  I'm sure that just making the decision that it's over has a great deal to do with that, but I'm also realizing how I started the decision process months ago.  That's making it emotionally a lot easier for me now than if I had just spontaneously ended it.

[frag1911]

Well, I was wrong.  I missed it by a day at the minimum.  She came to me late this morning, after she got off work and while I was on my computer doing homework, and asked (quietly) if we could talk.  I ignored her.

I left for an appointment just before 1pm, ran a couple of errands, then stopped to check on my folks again and watched some tv with them.  I got home about 6, scooped the cat boxes, took out the trash, went to the mail box, then came to my computer to read news, check email and here.

I was on the computer all of 5min when she came in (maybe because it's assumed that I'm trapped at my desk?) and asked if she could talk and I could just listen?  I said "No".  After standing there looking at me for a moment, I guess she finally realized I wasn't going to expand on that answer.  So she got emotionally aroused and let me know that she'll be out of here Tues, and started grabbing stuff again to pack.  Things banging and being thrown down, boxes kicked aside rather than walked around.  At least she isn't yelling and throwing accusations around.

I had noticed that she hadn't packed anything at all in the time since I left the apartment, so I will "assume" that she expected to get me engaged in bargaining or something.

I did finally get a copy of "I hate you-don't leave me", the book that our counselor recommended to me before she ever met the two of us.

[ShadowDancer]

There is cold comfort in seeing their belongings going into boxes. Frag, you don't need me to tell you to stay strong.

[frag1911]

Ya, Shadow, you don't need to tell me, but I appreciate it all the same!  That was part of her ranting yesterday, that I obviously don't care, etc., because I'm not crying about the break up, getting emotional, participating in an angry back and forth... .in other words, I don't want to listen to her.  I didn't engage, I know the game, I've made my decision.