My exBPDbf died

[Bdawn]

Hey it's been a loong time since I've posted here. I found this site about 8 years ago after a turbulent almost 2 years with my ex. He had just dumped me and move in a replacement gf just a few weeks later. Furthermore he declared the failure of the relationship all my fault and accused me of abandoment (what? he had abandoned me), and being a selfish self centered bhit (again what? the whole relationship was all about him and his feelings). I was coming unglued and started posting here off and on for years.

Over the years he and I were off, on, off, on... .you all know the drill. I moved back in with him at one point and that lasted almost 2 years but I moved out when I really started to suffer due to his rages and financial mismanagement. We didn't talk for a while after I moved but true to form we found our way back to each other and started seeing each other again while maintaining seperate households. I was happiest with this arrangement. Breaking up and not seeing him always left me with such a huge gaping hole and life would seem so bleak and meaningless to me, but living with him threatened my sanity and I worried about how far his rages would escalate. So he lived 2 blocks away from me and for me this was the perfect arrangement for us. We could see each other, enjoy one anothers company, love and support one another but when his irrational thinking and angry behaviour became intolerable I had an escape. I would just go home and he might not talk to me for a few days or a week but I was okay with that. I was grateful for my safe haven and the silent treatment from him had long ceased to be a source of pain for me as I much prefered that over being the target of his rages which would sometimes last for days.

Eventually we reached an impasse. He wasn't happy with our arrangement. He wanted all or nothing. Said if I wasn't going to marry him and live with him then he saw no point in continuing and that he was going to move to a whole new city. It tore my heart out to see him leave. I was a sad depressed lonely person after he left and at times I wondered If I had made the right decision. This was in the spring almost 2 years ago and during his first year in the new city we did reach out to each other a few times. On my summer vacation I went to stay with him and we declared ourselves still madly in love with each other. I left with positive feelings between us and we talked about the possibility of still seeing each other. I had no idea how we were going to pull that off considering that we lived in different cities now but I was hopefull. However shortly after I left he became emotionally distant again and didn't seem all that interested in even talking to me.

In November I sent him a text message asking him if he was really happier where he was and he responded by calling me and saying that he wanted to move on and date new people. I knew he had most likely met someone and I was crushed but I coped okay with it because by this time he had been gone for 6 months already and I was getting used to my daily life without him in it. I vowed that our relationship had to end forever so that I could move on in life too. I deleted his telephone number, pictures of him, and all the saved text messages between us. It was easy for me to stay away from him so long as he didn't contact me and he didn't. I missed him so much but as long as I didn't talk to him I was able to function and get on with things. After several months he called me out of the blue and soon we were talking again on a regular basis. This past spring, almost exactly one year to the day he left, he came back to visit me. It was so good to see him. I was overjoyed at the sight of him. 2 weeks later he came again and said that he wanted to come back, that he still loved me and still wanted to be with me. I felt the same way. But he had conditions, said I had to marry him and live with him. In my relief in having him back in my life I agreed to this. He went back to his city and we continued by phone in making arrangements for him to come back. He was putting a lot of pressure on me to figure out the plan for us to get married and I was starting to panic. I had spent the year missing him and longing for him and I thought my life was empty without him in it, but now that he was coming back all I could think about were the horrible times with him and suddenly my boring peaceful drama free life didn't feel so bad. He had been gone a year. That was a year of no raging, no calling me names, no emotional manipulation, no games, no pain. I was scared to go back to the relationship we had and I knew it would still be the same painful relationship. I started telling him that we could live together but that we couldn't get married right away because we needed counselling and we needed to save money. He freaked on me and said forget it. Told me to lose his number and never speak to him again. I hurt at hearing this but there was also a sense of relief. I truly did love and miss him but I had come to far to go backwards. I couldn't go back to being abused and I knew thats what was going to happen because nothing had changed. Once again I deleted all of his information from my phone and renewed my determination to get over this man once and for all.

Two months later my phone rang and I answered but the person on the other end didnt' say anything. I said hello a couple of more times and still got no response so I hung up. Looked at the number the call came from and saw the area code was from his city so I knew it was him. I immediately became stressed. I wanted to know what he wanted but I suspected if I called him back he would just say he dialed my number by accident (this was something he did several times during previous breakups) and then I'd feel like a fool for calling him. This was on Friday and over the weekend I wrestled back and forth over what to do about that call. By Monday I had decided that I wasn't going to call him back and furthermore I was going to change my telephone number so that this wouldn't happen again. When I went to work that morning I accidentally left my phone at home and when I came in that evening I immediately got the phone to put on the charger. I saw two missed phone calls from him and a text message saying he needed to talk to me and it was really important. I took a deep breath before dialing his number because this wasn't his usual MO and I had a feeling something bad happened.

I called and when he answered his phone I didn't even recogonize his voice. When he had visited me in the Spring there was something weird going on with his voice then. It would become hoarse during the day and stay that way all evening. He said he had had a cold about a month before and his voice just never came back to normal. He said he would see a doctor about it after his vacation. So when he answered the phone I asked to speak with him because his voice was so bad I thought someone else had picked up his phone. He said he was really sick and while he hadn't been given any official news yet he new it was really really bad. He had tumors in his throat, tumors on his spine and they suspected that those tumors were off shoots of a tumor in his lung. I FREAKED the HELL OUT. I had to finish my week of work but on Friday I drove out to be with him. By this time they had told him definitely he had lung cancer but they hadn't done any biopsies or told him the prognosis. He looked so sick when I got there but he had only come to the hospital a week before. I could hardly believe that it was him or that just two months ago he had been a healthy looking man. The hospital let him leave for the weekend and we spent it together at his place. We cried a lot! We laughed, we expressed our regrets and our apologies to one another. Even though he was very ill already I will always be grateful for that last weekend. It was just the two of us and sometimes it felt like the old days when we were happy and in love.

On Monday I had to come home for work but I promised him I would be back. It was a difficult situation when it came to getting time off work for this because we weren't married, we didn't live together and he wasn't even a family member. Work didn't want to let me go and I had to beg and fight hard to get back to him. Eventually my employers decided I could take an unpaid leave of abscence. By the time I got permission for leave another week had gone by and my ex had biopsies on his tumors as well as a scan and was given the bad news. He had 3-4 weeks at most. As soon as I got my leave I went to be with him. The day after I arrived in his city he started radiation therapy in the hopes that this would make the end easier for him. The radiation sucked the life right out of him and just six days after I got there he passed away. This was on September 3rd this year and he was only 48 yrs old. I was devastated. I came home and collapsed with the flu which then turned to pnuemonia. I was sicker than I have ever been and it took a month for me to start recovering.

The past 3 and a half months have been very hard on me. I miss him so much and I have such mixed up feelings. I feel guilt, regret, anger, sadness, pain, etc... .He had such a huge personality and it's hard for me to imagine the world without him in it. It's hard to see the world marching on while he is no longer here. I don't understand the point of the past 10 years with him. There was so much pain and devastation in our relationship and after our last go around with each other I just really wanted us to find our happiness even if it couldn't be together. I never in a million years could have imagined that this was how it was going to end for us. I'm bewildered.

I'm sorry this was so long and don't blame anyone for passing it over due to the length. I tried to keep it short and left out tons of stuff. Even if nobody reads it, it was theraputic to write it down. Christmas is coming and my heart is not in it. It was a beautiful summer week the last week I spent with him and now the seasons have changed and I feel like time is going by too quickly. I write him letters, visit his dogs, think about him all of the time. I'm not ready to let him fade into the past. 

[johnnyonthespot]

I am crying.

I am so sorry.

That's one of the most beautiful and tragic love stories I've ever read.

May you find the strength... .there are no words.

[Newton]

Bdawn your post was honest, eloquent, beautiful and tragic... .I cried as I read your words.

Nothing I can say can make up for your loss... .I'm truly sorry... .this must be such a difficult time for you, I can't imagine the conflicting emotions you have.

I am so glad you were composed enough to write this down, and share it here... .

Are there people who can support you and be there for you at the moment?

My thoughts will be with you tonight ... .

[Bdawn]

Aww... now you guys are making me cry :'( thank you so much for your kind words of support. I've been an introvert my whole life and thats one thing that made my ex so appealing to me. He had larger than life personality and my world seemed to come alive when he was in it. As a true introvert I don't know a lot of people or reach out much for help or support. I prefer to just work out things myself but I have appreciated any kindness given to me during this event because it's probably the most devastating thing I have ever experienced. I've been lucky up until now and haven't had much tragedy in my life so this has been very hard.

[gina louise]

Bdawn, Oh god I am so sorry for your lost love.   

that's my greatest fear deep down that my HUSBAND will not find anyone that understands him (except his kids and me... .) and his life will be a trickle of unimportant people who don't know him or care deeply for him. persons with PD are never all bad... .and they do have hearts and souls.

I left too, and while I don't miss the erratic and angry man I do miss the gentle, kind one.

we all have so many facets to our personalities... .who's to say if any of use deserve what we are served up in life. not everyone gets the best cards! and everyone deserves to feel loved.

I am so happy for you that you reconnected before the untimely end of your dear friend.

I hope you can take solace in that,

you seem to be a very caring individual.

GL

[Bdawn]

Thanks Gina, I can relate to what you're saying. When my ex moved away he was on quest to find love. He wanted me out of sight and out of mind so that he could find his miss right. He desperately wanted family, love and marriage but somehow he didn't appreciate those things when he had them.When he was very young he married and had son and then left that family, then he lived common law with another woman for several years and had a son with her. Then he left that family. When he left these families he didn't believe that he was loved and in his twisted mind he thought they were just using him and controlling him. He would lamant over not being loved or wanted but when those things were being handed to him freely he wouldn't accept it or trust it. In our last year and our last visits together he did tell me that I was actually the first person in his life that he had begun to trust and believe in and that he was aware that I truly loved him. I think this is true but not because my love was anymore special than any other woman who had loved him but just because over the 10 years we knew each other he had grown and matured enough to see things differently although his behavior was much the same. He suffered horrific abuse as child. Went through things that no child should even be aware of much less live through. Makes me so sad that he went through life feeling so much rage, fear and distrust. During the past two years of his life he seemed to be mellowing a little and I thought I was seeing some growth in him and I thought he deserved to find the happiness he so badly longed for but instead he got sick and died. Life is really cruel sometimes.

[Seahorse1]

I can't write any thing I'm crying soo hard for you.

[HardTruth]

So sorry for your loss.  My exNPDbf and exBPDbg both had hard, neglected and abused childhoods.  They could be so hard to be with, yet also I really cherished their good qualities and good memories I shared with them.  I contacted my exNPDbf a few years ago because I thought, what would happen if he died and I never got to see him one more time?  It's not an easy love, but there is a sweetness and trueness nevertheless. 

I am so glad that you got to see him and spend time with him before he passed away.   I hope that he now has peace from the demons that haunted him in this life.  And I hope that you find some peace and healing as well. 

[Bdawn]

Thank you seahorse and hardtruth. I don't know if there is an afterlife but I like to think there is. I like to picture God gathering my ex up in his arms and pouring all the love on him that he was cheated out of as a child. He had so much emotional pain and I wanted to love his pain away but I couldn't do it. When he was hurting me I couldn't see past my own pain to help him with his. I forgive myself for that because I am just a human being afterall but I like to think that now he is somewhere safe, feeling loved and free of all fear and negativity.

[johnnyonthespot]

You are such a kind person.

Bless you.

[Surnia]

O Bdawn

I feel so sorry about your loss! 

I will include you and him in my prayers.

Please stay tuned the next days and weeks.

Surnia

[henk2]

Bdawn, this is so tragic and heartbreaking, but you did a wonderfull thing in writing such an eloquent and beautifull love story for us here to read. 'Now the seasons have changed and I feel like time is going by too quickly'. thanks for sharing this.

[Cannon]

Bdawn,

I'm sorry for your loss.  My deepest condolences to you. 

It is, indeed, a tragedy. 

Grieve your loss as much as you need to.  Think about him as much as you need and write all the letters you want.  It takes a long time for the pain to begin to ease.  Know that it is normal and that you will be okay in time.

[Bdawn]

Hey all,

Well It's been almost a year since I posted this thread about my pwBPD passing away. Wish I could say that I have something profound to say about it all, but I'm still lost.

I guess I'm past the chest crushing grief and now a subtle yet ever present sadness has settled into my heart. I still miss him, think of him and dream of him. I guess I will always carry him with me.

I think back to our crazy rollercoaster relationship and still don't know the reason for it and I guess I never will. I mean it's not like I was fated to be with him or anything. The 10 years I was with him (well off an on) were because I chose him and he chose me so I guess that's not really a mystery. What makes me so sad is that we had both made progress in our lives at the time of his passing. We weren't officially together as he had moved to a different city but we were both going through a time of growing and learning about ourselves. I have always maintained that we kept doing our dysfunctional dance because we were both dysfunctional and it seemed that we were finally ready for better lives. Weather that would have been together or apart I will never know. So sad that he never got to find his happiness and peace here on earth and now I haven't really been happy since he left either. It just all ended up in sadness.

I met someone last March and tried dating for a few months. It was going nowhere and I knew I wasn't ready so I broke it off. I didn't feel anything during the period we were dating and I felt nothing when we broke up. I have no interest in the opposite sex now and I doubt that I will ever have a romantic love again. My heart appears to be dead in that department.

Life isn't all gloom and doom though, as I have much to be thankful for still. I have my adult children, my grandchildren, a decent job and my dog. My cat had to be put to sleep last week and I think that's why I came back to this thread. I got the cat the same summer that I met and started dating my ex 11 years ago. That was the happiest year of my life and so the cat was in some weird way a memory and a tie to my ex. I know over the past year I used to look at that cat and think "wow, never in a million years would I have guessed that this cat would outlive my ex" and now the cat is gone too. Oh and he died of the same thing that my ex died of. Lung cancer! Talk about strange.

Anyways I just wanted to come back and thank the people who took the time to post their supportive thoughts to me when I first posted this thread. I was in so much pain then and every kindness meant the world to me although I wasn't always good at showing my gratitude. So thanks people! This is a great community.

[Bit Lost]

my heart just broke reading your story... .i just dont have any words

[Jbt857]

Bdawn,

What a heartbreaking story. I am so sorry to hear about your cat too (I'm a cat owner too).

I don't really know what else to say - what can anyone say? But my thoughts are with you and I hope you can keep moving forward. Hopefully good things are around the corner for you. 

[Reforming]

Hi Bdawn,

I'm so sorry for you loss. I think losing someone gets even harder after a year. The silence and the emptiness can be crushing.

It must feel like par of you is dead but they say the first two years are the hardest.

It must have been hard to have loved him so much and live separate. That takes strength

But to be there for him at the end was a great gift. You couldn't have done more

Love and peace

[ShadowDancer]

I too sympathize in your loss. This rough life and the finger prints left... .but take heart.

As we paddle our canoes out to sea

In the pitch of darkness storming

Steady your faith in both you and me

We will find safe shores by morning

Fear not the wind rain and thunder

Or deep sea in all its tossing

The currents will not pull us under

In courage we will complete this crossing

When I see you again on the beach

In the sunlight so bright and new

I know that safety you did reach

By trusting your canoe    

 

[Learning_curve74]

Bdawn, your story is so very moving. I'm sorry for your loss.

I don't know if you're still searching for some meaning behind it all. Maybe it's a part of the central mysteries of life. Best wishes to you. 

[TwoCents]

Whenever I had gotten away and found my peace, it was always the fear of this very thing that drove me to break no contact.  Thinking that our days are numbered and who would I want to spend that limited time with, whether it was at times difficult or not.  I can completely relate to your sentiment that the world seems a less colorful and amazing place without them with us or among us.

My condolences.

[Surnia]

Hi Bdawn

My condolence about both, the year without him and the loss of your cat!

What you went through, needs so much patience to heal. 

Thank you for sharing your thoughts here. And whenever you need support, we are here for you.

[Discovery]

oh, my heart opens to you

i'm crying so hard as I read your story

love is what we are and what we long for

underneath all the pain, all the hurts, all the defenses

i hear a miraculous gift that you were able to be with him in the last moments of his life - how beautiful is that, to be there with him

the past unimportant - only that present and being there with him

I can't even begin to imagine how a heart and mind

live with these experiences - life is so full of bittersweet -

happiness and pain

I wrap my arms around you and honor your brave heart

your brave spirit,

and all that is beautiful in you that you share in your world

I ask that you receive small reminders that you are loved

and supported

I do believe that we are souls, not just bodies, and that in the place after death all the separation falls away.

(It is exactly THIS (that my ex-partner would become very ill or die) and that I would not know, could not be there, that makes me want to express to him that no matter what comes in our lives in the coming months and years, my heart is always open to him... .that there is something deeper than hurts and misunderstandings... .and that in the end, if either of us were to be in a difficult place in our lives, or about to leave this world, I would not want separation to prevent us from being connected to our hearts.)

with love

[momtara]

I read your whole post.  And I think you showed him a lot of love that probably made a big difference in his life.  Who did he call when he was sick?  You.  On some level, people with BPD know of their illness.  They may not be able to full face it, but they know of it.  Even at the toughest times, you were there.  Being forced into marriage wouldn't have been fair to you, or healthy.  It really wouldn't.  I think you did everything that a loving, sane person could, short of causing a disaster for both of you, which marriage might have been.

I am sorry for your loss.  Seems like he was more than an ex bf and you have the right to grieve him like an ex  fiancee.  What was his purpose in your life?  I don't know, but maybe it showed you what a loving, patient person you really are.