Happy for you KE151.
I wonder, what was the hardest thing for you to overcome to reach this point?
That's one curveball
of a question, and not easy to answer as it's not a straightforward process…
One of the hardest things initially was probably accepting that I had chosen to ignore many blatantly obvious red flags in the early stages and subsequently understanding why I did that. Looking in the mirror and seeing myself for who I really are. Just being disgusted of my own stupidity of again being in a situation like this (I had broken up from a train wreck BPD r/s only months earlier). The break up was an implosion of sorts (no raging, she just emotionally withdrew and disappeared) and very different to my first BPD experience. The unanswered questions were the hardest to deal with in the beginning, and not being able to grasp what just happened. That caused pain.
I started therapy for the first time in my life to get a fresh outside opinion on my stuff as I realized I must have issues as well having ended up in two dysfunctional r/s's in such a short time. And the pieces started to fall in place. I realized my mom has strong BPD traits after a tragic childhood and my father has difficulty expressing any emotions. My FOO stuff was definitely contributing to how I was dealing with r/s's. Also, in T, I told for the first time in my life to anyone that I had been bullied at school. The break up brought those very painful memories from 25-30 years ago right back to the surface. Feelings of being left out and abandoned. I realized she had bullied me. And i had allowed her to do it. No boundaries there. That was painful to realize but useful to finally get it out of my system.
I've understood I tend to appreciate myself mainly when accomplishing something, i.e. doing good to feel good about myself. That has led to success in my professional life but less so in r/s. In this r/s, I was drawn to this woman as she seemed very vulnerable, having had to endure bad treatment from guys, having to take care of her kids all on her own but still being so positive and successful. My T suggested I saw myself in her little son (6 yrs), who has practically never seen his own father. I wanted to save him from a fatherless life, maybe this has something to do with childhood and my emotionless father.
I've gone through the whole spectrum of emotions and actions. Missing her like hell, the what-ifs and ruminations, understanding and being devastated by the scope of her lies, nearly caving in to ask for a re-run, wondering what she's up to and with which one of her exbf's, feeling upbeat and then relapsing. I've ended up spending a lot of time alone and with some selected friends who know me well. Taking up my hobbies, spending normal life with my kids. Trying to date a little too but that didn't help.
About last weekend's visit, I guess I was at a point where I needed to face her and her kids, and in a way face my own demons. I needed to admit to myself that I miss her but that it can never be. I'm conscious of the fact I'm still healing and not over her but I feel stronger thanks to seeing her. Time is the ultimate healer, and it's now on my side.
