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[ronnnie55]

Short story - Left by BPD GF - She initiated NC

Been a few days not hearing from her. I've kept the NC rule up to now. Last night I saw she came online via phone messenger and changed her status to "Feel so alone, well I actually am!"

In a moment of weakness I took this as a sign she was missing me, I messaged her saying I miss you :-( hope your ok, only to be met with silence.  I haven’t said anything since nor has she.

I guess the "feel so alone" status was highly predicable. Would anyone think this was aimed at me or just think that its probably just for another victim to get sucked in and come to her rescue?

I'm going to try stay strong now and just stay off the messenger so I don’t get tempted to just say something.

[HoldingAHurricane]

My dBPDh portrays himself as abandoned and alone too. In part, it is his world view in that moment, and very much consistent with BPD. He will send emails, texts, and change his status on things to reflect this belief, albeit self created most of the time. He has also been able to articulate that it is how he attracts people (in his case women) to rescue him. He told me several months ago that if it seems he has been abandoned then people feel sorry for him and it draws close the people (his targeted woman) he wants to make him feel better. So, it is also purposeful and conscious for him too. Its part of his shtick.

I guess it made me reflect on when he and I met and why I responded to his waif presentation and try and get something out of that knowledge that will benefit me. I found that my will power is pretty dismal so I just block electronic communications so I don't see things I have trouble not reacting to.

[Clearmind]

Goodness its really hard to tell but my guess is she said she is alone because she is... .alone usually does not mean being solo it means deep down you feel very lonely. We can feel lonely inside a relationship when we dont have a supportive partner. We can feel lonely inside a relationship when we have no clue how to self soothe when are down.

We can also feel lonely outside a relationship because we do not have the skills to fill our void.

A Borderline can and do leave a relationship and therefore abandon themselves.

Ron, it takes time to regroup - what do you want for you right now? Was this relationship all you had it would be? Do you feel loved? Do you feel supported? Do you feel protected, safe? Do you trust, respect and admire one another? These are all traits of a healthy relationship.

[maxsterling]

From my experience with my dBPDgf - I think she feels alone almost all the time.  Even when she is hanging out with friends, even when she is with me.  From what she has described, she has felt alone her whole life. 

From my outsider perspective, she alienates people and shies away from closeness.  She gets tons of phone calls, text messages, and invites from people to hang out.  WAY more than me.  Yet she claims she has no friends and does not feel close to any of them.  And she will claim that she is always single, yet it sounds like she is constantly dating, whereas I have spent YEARS single - not dating at all.  So to me, it sounds like her "lonely" feeling is a result of her shutting others out.

I think this has to do with the lack of identity and self-loathing pwBPD have.  My girlfriend will frequently talk about not having an identity or not knowing who she is or how she fits in with the world.  People that lack identities will have a hard time feeling a closeness with themselves, let alone others.   

For your situation - I am guessing she felt lonely even while she was with you - and that is 100% to do with her and nothing to do with your relationship or how you treated her.  The current "status" on her messenger really is nothing new, and is in no way referring to you or in no way trying to solicit a response from you.

I am guessing you deeply care about her and love her and miss her.  But the reality is you are dealing with someone with BPD, and if she has chosen to move on you may be better off doing the same. 

[ronnnie55]

All excellent points/views there thank you.

Well new development... .


She tried to add me on twitter, she never had it before and just made a new account.

I ignored then after half hour later I though ill be brave and have a peak, couldn’t find her via twitter search so I google instead, what does the first page show... .her new dating profile even with photos of her from our nights out. about 1 week after we split from a years relationship.

Couldn’t have felt any more sick to the stomach.

Mistakenly I messaged her to say I guess you’ve moved on and how I came across her dating profile and that I will leave her alone and not message again. I didn’t get angry or say anything else.

Met with a tirade of insults and threats and even an excuse she was on there have a catch up with old friends on there (old friends hanging round on dating sites after a year hmm)... .I didn’t respond just said i see ok ill leave you be.


So I guess that’ll teach me for not doing what I should have initially blocked her contact, removed her from my electronic means so I dont get tempted to peak and find things I really wished I'd never seen. So anyone reading this if your thinking of having a peek what they are up to before you are fully up to it dont! Remove your means and move on.


Urghhhh! At least I have closure now at least rather than thinking hmm she might start talking to me again and we might get back when really deep down I know I should have ran for the hills a long time ago.

Time to forget, relax and move on now. I think my only consolidation is from having found this forum to know the behaviour wasn’t out of the ordinary. Others have been there and got the tshirt now knowing I am more luckily really to have an excuse now to get out of something that could have done me much more harm.

Roller-coaster hurtling towards L3 already hey.

[ronnnie55]

Ron, it takes time to regroup - what do you want for you right now? Was this relationship all you had it would be? Do you feel loved? Do you feel supported? Do you feel protected, safe? Do you trust, respect and admire one another? These are all traits of a healthy relationship.

I guess my answer to most if not all would be no, realising that's pretty huge fact.

[Clearmind]

They are the hard questions. I'm not suggesting you quit trying to reconcile I'm suggesting there are hurdles and being undecided sucks! Sometimes facing some facts can help us make a decision and puts the focus on your needs, which no doubt were neglected rather than concentrate on her needs all the time.

A relationship takes the work of two! If you do decide to reconcile we need to accept that we need to pick up the slack and be the more emotionally mature one.