venting here instead of breaking nc with ex

[lightswitch]

Argh!

  This week I've had some pretty bad downs, regardless of therapy, twelve step mtgs, hanging out with friends, exercising, taking an anti depressant, deep breaths... .SO, yesterday was better.

  A trick we are advised to use is instead of breaking nc and giving in to the desire to contact our ex's... .we can choose to vent to someone else, so I'm doing that here and now.

  I want to send him a message... .of hurt and hate and insults and more hurt and disbelief and terrible things I'd like to do to  hurt him... .with more hurt,etc.

  I'm choosing to get through this moment here, a safe place where all my horrid, tumultuous feelings are understood. I hate this illness. It sucks sucks sucks! I know to persevere. I know to work on getting through this grieving with dignity, grace and integrity .  I've been stuck in the 'why, God?', but ultimately the answer to WHY doesn't matter. Here is my opportunity to heal some of my past issues. Oh, lucky me

   So, again, thanks you guys for being there. I'll get back to work and get through this craving... .nc is good, nc is healthy, nc is awesome... .repeat.

   

  P.s. anyone remember that old movie, What About Bob, 'I feel good, I feel great, I feel wonderful!' Ha

[maxen]

A trick we are advised to use is instead of breaking nc and giving in to the desire to contact our ex's... .we can choose to vent to someone else, so I'm doing that here and now.

excellent!

I want to send him a message... .of hurt and hate and insults and more hurt and disbelief and terrible things I'd like to do to  hurt him... .with more hurt,etc.

i want to do that to mine too!

Here is my opportunity to heal some of my past issues. Oh, lucky me

i hate it when people tell me to do that! i just want my SO to suffer psychic pain for the rest of her life! but she won't because she's BPD! or she will because she's BPD, but not for this, which is the point.

[bewildered2]

good plan... .hang in there... .it is tough but it is the way forward.

as the old saying goes, time is a healer.

the reward that you will reap in future for being strong now is huge, you will see.

b2

[allweareisallweare]

yep, hang on... .at times it will be hard not to break the NC but think of every day a brick in the wall between you and the exSO - I also have vented here on more than a few occasions - it's better than contacting them. What's the point in breaking NC, like seriously? In the vast majority of cases, my own and judging from what I've gauged through the empirical evidence of posts here, they're not mature to accept the ramifications of their own behavior internally, i.e by accepting the guilt and the blame, but not externally either, by accepting that their behavior caused vast emotional torment for us/you - I'm sure in their darkest hour they know they're maladjusted and even doomed to unhappiness (in that surely a BPD is never truly going to find stability) just like us, in our Eureka moments, know we're right, doing well, will recover and will get through this.

I have thought of venting to the exDBPD but it's been two months of NC so it's like... .I am refusing to undo all that good work by reaching to a person whom I detest for mere reasons as to say things which will never be acknowledged since they have no guilt capacity - at least externally; I'm sure they're so unhappy with themselves they cry themselves to sleep at night, because I would if I were them - but I'm not BPD so that's just one of life's what ifs... .!

[lightswitch]

Yes, thank you... .it is a house of cards that I can easily topple on myself with one tiny email... .I'm so afraid to even go there because I know my pain will be worse than before. Facts facts facts, I'm arming myself with facts. Facts that this ex of mine was and is VERY SICK. He was abusive on all fronts. I read all of the qualifications for an abusive relationship, and he has met and acted out appx 95 percent of all of them.

  I wish I could hurry up through this sad, crying stuff... .it feels so unfair. So, I'll focus on the good stuff and buy some Kleenex and stop trying to occasionally wear mascara. (But really. Why? Bpd 

But... .I made it through another day of nc! Go me! We're earning our super hero capes

[ShadowDancer]

Lightswitch,

The Fourth and Ninth and Third steps, in that order, are helpful for me in this specific life issue. For me, the steps don't have to be taken in "entirety" or all at once over "every single thing". I can practice any of these steps of the principles on singular issues, people, places, and things at any given time. This particular set of "tools" I chose to use for my advantage are simple Simon, practical, and clearly illustrated instruments of navigation in an increasingly calamitous, complex, and often times confusingly dysfunctional modern world.

My interpretation is that these provided steps are to be studied, repeated, and practiced throughout any ones times that one finds them useful in navigating any given moment or situation. The discipline involved in stepping has not to be a punishment but rather an emerging virtue in the surrendering of self, and the willingness for, a personal involvement in the evolution of the mindful results of this one life.

My interpretation is that these provided steps are to be studied, repeated, and practiced throughout any ones times that one finds them useful in whatever the moment or situation. For me the requirement that I look into my own insides without comparing that to others outsides was and is at times painful in that I have to look into my own "mirror" to the reflection of person that I was. Initially it was just passing glances but as the practice has continued for me the ability to see myself eye to eye and hold my own gaze for longer and comfortable moments has increased as I see in the reflection more of the emerging person who I like to be. To practice the principals in all of our affairs is a tall order but it is not one without promises of improvement of the reflection of our lives in these areas of our existence.

I have used this way in conjunction with a self help DBT guidance workbook to assist me toward seeking a path to a more mindful enjoyable life than the mindless self destructive one that I had been living before, during and ending with last dysfunctional affair of the heart we are all so familiar with. Today it was clearly a turning point and pivotal moment in my life as we all so acutely aware. Honestly I in my desperation was looking for the shortest path to what is described as the Buddhist philosophy of acceptance and detachment. To stop, look, and listen before one acts. It has become a matter of mindful practice over perfection and immediate results for me. One step at a time, one day at a time, we learn how to walk and put one foot at a time in front of the other across this short life even if we may fall and have to try and try again. For sure no gain without some pain and nothing changes if nothing changes is the human condition. It is a matter of perspective.

The question is, is the sky falling or are we ascending?        

[MangoMadness]

I do the exact same thing as you--when I think of looking my ex up, I come rant here instead. It's very effective, and I find myself much happier lately. I owe a lot to the wonderful people of the website, for letting me rave on in anger or self pity, responding with encouragements and helpful advice rather than ridicule.

I think it's safe to say this place is a great haven, aha.

[lightswitch]

Yes, shadow-d, it's true, if I pause and breathe I'm less likely to self destruct which will simply prolong my pain. I was actually asked to speak at a12 step mtg on the topics of fear and pride this week ; at first,I thought, oh God, I'm such a wreck right now, really? But it was a great opportunity to step out of my head and use my practical application of how we practice how to detach (from our very painful BPD relationships) and practice how to heal. I have to be willing to walk through a bit of fire, but not without some special gear to protect me. It's my nature to want things to be all better right now.

  The dbt stuff is next... .yep, mango, a safe haven. I can redirect all this primal crap, it's a day or a moment at a time. NC   keeps the poison away. I don't want a fix that brings me pain. My ex is a hot stove that I don't wanna touch. Ever.