suddenly I am having trouble validating again...

[PeppermintTea]

So I have been working hard to try to use the tools with my husband and I think we've come quite a long way in the last 18 months or so.

However, we are currently moving house which I understand is a stressful process. We are selling the house I own and are moving to rent a house that my father owns.

My husband has had issues (issues that my dad will be our landlord- (my dad is lovely by the way), issues over the physcial moving aspect, issues about selling (even though it's my house not his) and many others)  with this but he really loves the house we are moving to and it will be much better for our family which he can see.

At the moment he is disregulating badly over the speed with which the agents and solicitors are actioning the sale. I feel that our agent is doing what she said she would. He feels she is not. He is therefore angry and snappy and horrible to me and the kids and alternating this with crying and hiding.

I have tried to validate his feelings but he just escalates and escalates. If I use SET it's like the 'truth' aspect of the communication just doesn't reach him.

I usually try:

S= I love you, I know this is stressful but we'll get it done together.

E = I would be upset if I thought people weren't doing what they were supposed to be doing too.

T = Everyone is working as hard as they can to get this done and they are giving us regular updates. I don't see that they are defaulting on their promises to us.

Today I just told him I thought he was over reacting and when he started again I just walked off - I literally could not put up with anymore. I know this wasn't helpful but it was at my work and I had just had enough.

I don't know what to do really. Whenever we have a project on or something that needs doing he goes off the rails like this and makes everything twice as hard as it needs to be.

He is good with his therapy and he knows he needs to make changes to how he thinks and acts. Is there any strategy I could suggest to him that might help him work through situations like this?

Is there any strategy you could suggest that I could use myself to communicate with him  because right now I am very stressed and annoyed with him for making it all worse.

Any suggestions would be great.

Thanks PT

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[momtara]

Hey, give yourself a break - this stuff is really hard.

Do these periods often run for a set period of time?  My husband would be the same way, and sometimes it was hard because it would alienate the professionals we were trying to work with.  He was suspicious of everyone, saying they weren't doing a good job, and I'd have to calm him down so that we wouldn't chase people away.  Sometimes I had to take a few days to reassure him.  There was just no doing it quickly.  It's like circular conversations - you have to stay in them and just keep being reassuring until he calms down.

So maybe you just have to kind of keep saying the same things until he feels reassured, even if it takes a few days.  How long do these patterns usually last, or is there no pattern?

Your hubby sounds like mine in this respect.  He would get triggered over big changes too.

[Grey Kitty]

I keep trying to become a validation wizard, but I'm just not there myself. Perhaps one of our wizards can help that.

What I can offer you are two thoughts about when NOT to validate.

• When he is already dysregulated--He will be certain to dislike/misinterpret anything that comes out of your mouth when his mental state reaches a certain point. At this point just disengage instead.



• When YOU have no patience or empathy, or you, yourself are too emotionally wound up. If you try to validate at this point, you won't get it write. Again, time to cut your losses.

I found peace in recognizing that this is a time where anything I do or say will make things worse, and if I leave/disengage and take care of myself, I'm making things better by simply allowing time for both of us to heal/calm down.

I also find some peace in knowing that this episode is temporary and will pass eventually!

 GK

[waverider]

Dont set your own standards too high. Sometimes its just too overwhelming and you feel like you are not coping as well as you should. This frustrates you. This keeps the "blow ups' fueled, increasing your own resentment. The cycle continues.

Allow yourself to "fail" or not abe able to contain things at times. Let him blow up, and let it wash, pick up the pieces afterwards. These are trying times, dramas will happen, accept that and lesson the impact on you.  These changes will have an effect on you too, so you wont be able to handle his increased stress as well.

The bottom line here is reducing the stress on you. Make that your goal, and that will be the best influence on him. Try not to stress about being stressed. Validating your partner at all times is not essential, it is a choice. You can choose not to employ anything that is not being effective, and it wont always be. Everything passes

Sometimes it is easier just to get wet in the rain and dry yourself afterwards, than becoming over stressed about not having a raincoat.

Sometimes I deliberately choose not to validate, so that it is not taken for granted and also to reinforce to me that it is a choice not an obligation. Prevents the victim/martyr mentality.

[PeppermintTea]

Validating your partner at all times is not essential, it is a choice. You can choose not to employ anything that is not being effective, and it wont always be. Everything passes

Hey thanks for these replies. I have to remember the above and stop thinking that I could have avoided every outburst by doing something different.

It is what it is.

Thanks again PT   

[waverider]

Sometimes we all try too hard to be perfect 

But human nature has a little bit of  the  inside each of us.

If we stay centered and aware of our nature we will be just fine.

We are part of the world, it doesn't revolve around us.

Sometimes its just not our "stuff", unless we make it so