Got some mail..what should I do?

[DownandOut]

So, I've mentioned before that my uBPDexgf and I were in an LDR in our last recycle. At the time, she was looking for jobs in my city and ultimately was having trouble finding one. However, she was using my address and I just received mail from one of the agencies she was using to help search for a job. I believe that the mail includes a check reimbursed to her. I don't know what to do! I won't lie, I'm kind of happy to be in this position to some extent. I'm thinking of just mailing it to her with a return address without my name to make it impersonal. Should I not? I do fear that she will contact me based on what I send, but I also fear her not contacting me and me never knowing if she got it. I want her to think of me... I want to invade her mind like she invaded mine. Thoughts?

[Perfidy]

D&O... I do understand your personal struggle in this. I know how hard it is to make logical and responsible decisions when it comes to attachments.

You really have no responsibility to her. It boils down to a choice between sending her the stuff or not. This event has triggered the game playing in your mind. You can make it as big of a deal as you want. It's about you now. Any hope of using this event to contact her will most likely set off a new wave of sadness in you. If you choose to send it to her just send it anonymously and go on with your healing. If you choose not to send it then mark wrong address on it and give it back to the post office. In my opinion those are your two logical choices. At some point logic and reason should prevail. Best wishes

[ShadowDancer]

Do the right thing.

[GreenMango]

Forward her her mail.  If you don't have her address return to sender so they can track her down and get her her mail. 

It doesn't mean you have to have any meaningful contact.  It's doing what needs to be done, what is courteous, and tying up the breakup loose ends.

Here's how people on the legal board deal with stuff like this:

Hi x

I've recieved some of your mail.  If you send me a forwarding address I will send it.  If I don't hear by x date I will mark it return to sender and return it.  This will be last time I forward mail after x date all mail will be returned to sender.

Thanks

Y

Then go get this person off your address at the post office.

Tell the person what you'll do.  Don't open up doors for emotional conversation and don't make it a game.  Three-five sentences max.

[numbr3]

Mark it "No longer at this address-return to sender"

My xH used my address so I got things from his lawyer (having to do with his family issues).  He told me he didn't want his brothers to know where he lived.  Hmmm... .  After 2-3 yrs post divorce. I am no longer responsible for him. No way would I make contact or nicey-nicey when a letter came for him.  Same thing with my phone number.  After a while I didn't feel obligated when people called looking for him. I replied that I had no forwarding number for him.  I owe him nothing.

[DownandOut]

The only problem with sending it back to the post office is that it's most likely some type of refund check that, regardless of the hell she put me through, she should have. Plus, the mail has my address on it and regardless of whether or not I send it anonymously she'll know where it came from. I know the right thing to do is send it back impersonally and just forget about it, a part of me wants her to contact me and grovel and tell me how miserable her life is (even though I know deep down she is miserable). Then I could tell her how happy I am and to please refrain from contacting me again. I know that's the immature, dysfunctional way of thinking though.

[Perfidy]

It's a setback to your healing although you may be able to use it as a way to establish your behaviors to any future setbacks. I have had setbacks. That is how I handled it. Progress not perfection. Keep on keeping on.

[GreenMango]

The only problem with sending it back to the post office is that it's most likely some type of refund check that, regardless of the hell she put me through, she should have. Plus, the mail has my address on it and regardless of whether or not I send it anonymously she'll know where it came from. I know the right thing to do is send it back impersonally and just forget about it, a part of me wants her to contact me and grovel and tell me how miserable her life is (even though I know deep down she is miserable). Then I could tell her how happy I am and to please refrain from contacting me again. I know that's the immature, dysfunctional way of thinking though.

Your hurt.  Give yourself sometime.  These relationships are painful.  The breakups are complicated.

It's important to take care of yourself here too.  I would feel strange about the check aspect if the mail too.  What to do what to do... .

What do you think you want to do?

[DownandOut]

The only problem with sending it back to the post office is that it's most likely some type of refund check that, regardless of the hell she put me through, she should have. Plus, the mail has my address on it and regardless of whether or not I send it anonymously she'll know where it came from. I know the right thing to do is send it back impersonally and just forget about it, a part of me wants her to contact me and grovel and tell me how miserable her life is (even though I know deep down she is miserable). Then I could tell her how happy I am and to please refrain from contacting me again. I know that's the immature, dysfunctional way of thinking though.

Your hurt.  Give yourself sometime.  These relationships are painful.  The breakups are complicated.

It's important to take care of yourself here too.  I would feel strange about the check aspect if the mail too.  What to do what to do... .

What do you think you want to do?

What I really want to do is send it to her without warning and without my name on it, just my return address, so that it's as impersonal and cold as can be. I honestly can't tell you what my goal is but I do want to ensure that she doesn't get the wrong idea and that I'm just doing whats right. It's her money and she should have it, but me sending it to her is NOT an invitation to contact me (although as I said above, I kind of want her to). It's so confusing, I definitely am doing much better, however, I won't lie and say she doesn't still hold a special place in my heart despite her terrible disorder and taper actions towards me.

[GreenMango]

It sounds like if you are impersonal it might be a little bit of an opportunity to show her type of thing - a get back at ya move.  Hurt for a hurt.

Not judging I was sorely tempted many times.  Then I think about what a crap cycle that feels like.  Just a little bit of perspective if a piece of mail is bad imagine if she sees the nameless return address and decides to call ya up.  What then?  She's going to know Down. 

Can you send it certified without any return address or name?  Then its just anonymous mail.  No games.  Just a considerate guy forwarding along cash.

It will get easier.