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PhoenixRising15
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« on: November 16, 2013, 01:42:47 AM » |
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Dear Family,
I have been away from the boards for 10 days, almost a two week hiatus, and I just wanted to check in.
For those of you still deeply in pain, I offer you my experience, strength, and hope that I AM HEALING.
When I decided to take some time away, I found that I was getting flooded and triggered constantly by the posts of other members. It was at that point that I knew I needed to get some space from this whole issue.
I've been focusing on me the past few weeks, and it has helped. Even staying here, I'd read some more, get triggered, and ruminate more and more. Now, I still get caught in the ruminations but I'm able to recognize them as such and let them pass more easily.
I've been focusing on recognizing my triggers and slowly defusing them - exposure therapy I guess.
I find that when I'm triggered into ruminating there is usually some external circumstance, and I try to key into that and say, "I'm okay. I'm safe." etc. etc. to soothe myself.
As for contact with my ex, she has made the attempts more and more veiled in trying to get my attention. Using friends and mutual acquantainces to try to send me messages. I've done a good job of deflecting them and recognizing when they are happening. When other people are "fishing" for her.
Detachment has been my greatest endeavor, and I urge those of you who are still deeply in the pain to try to find empathy for your pwBPD. It has helped me the most I think. I'm not the hateful type, I'm not the angry type. Generally, I let things roll off my back. For a long time, I tried to hate her, and be really angry at her for how I was treated in the r/s.
Now, when I get caught feeling hurt by her, I remind myself, I do love her, and she loved me in her own broken way. I feel pity for her, but I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. Although the thought of being apart from my ex tears my heart apart, I realize it is truly best for both of us. The amount of pain I endured was not normal. It's not love. It's not what a r/s is supposed to be.
I try to remember that she is truly troubled, and I know this from my many experiences with her, and I really hope she does find the happiness she needs. But I won't be an emotional doormat anymore. I can't fix her. She's got to fix herself.
I did go out on my first date yesterday, with much trepidation. I was so worried, that it was laughable. The confident man i used to be was beaten down by a long string of abusive behavior and I'm recognizing it more and more as such. I actually talked to one of my other ex's the other day before my date and she was laughing at me, and how nervous I was, but it was real.
The date went well, and it helped me recover in many ways. When she looked happy, I found myself worried, waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting to be raged at, or hit. In those moments, I was present enough to remember that this is another person. And it's okay. I'm re-acclimating to normal.
I told her I'm not ready for anything serious, but she said she just wants to have fun, and that was nice. It was nice to remember that females find me attractive. That not all of them will take every opportunity to cut me down or hurt me to boost their self-esteem.
I know not everyone is ready to date, but I personally encourage people to get out there and get involved with people, others, normal people as soon as they feel close to ready. It really helped remind me that my definition of normal had been twisted over the past few months.
Lastly, I spent a lot of time thinking over my old relationships, and finding the patterns which led me to this current ex. I've been involved with a lot of unhealthy people, and the root of it is really my own low self worth and lack of ability to say no. I've tried to be much more concious of it in my interactions. Recognizing people who are not healthy from me and avoiding them.
The most disturbing element for me right now is fear. I'm afraid she will reach out. I'm afraid she will track me down. I'm afraid she will try to find a way to hurt me. I'm afraid of how I will react. I just keep reminding myself that I am in control of my own behavior, and I don't have to take calls or talk to people I don't want to. If I feel threatened I will call the cops at the drop of a hat, and let them deal with it. I don't have to feel unsafe or deal with this alone.
That's all for now. I know alot of people are hurting, and I hadn't seen a lot of positive posts of healing when I was perusing these boards all day every day, so I want to make it a point to chronicle my journey towards health and share my experience, strength, and hope with those of you who are still deep in it.
It does get better. Read and read and read until you can't bear it. Post until you don't want to anymore. And most of all try your hardest to dig out of denial that this r/s was healthy. Find what attracted you to the person, and focus on healing that part, however you have to. It doesn't happen all at once. Take all the time you need, but "if you're going through hell, KEEP GOING". there is an end.
I'll check back in sometime soon to keep you all updated about my onward and upward experience.
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