warning to those thinking you want to go back

[Depression = 72% of members]

ive spent the past two weeks with the BPD ex girl friend. we were togerther six year and had atleast 15 recycles before this one,

if you think they have chnged... .they didnt.

if you want your hell back keep waiting you just may get it.

if your think it could be about you and your needs for  once, forget it.

if your in n/c with them keep it that way.

if you have any mental weekness of you own run, fast and soon.

in the past two weeks ive seen three major melt downs from her and she broken it off two times.

becarfull what you asked for

[simplyasiam]

ive spent the past two weeks with the BPD ex girl friend. we were togerther six year and had atleast 15 recycles before this one,

if you think they have chnged... .they didnt.

if you want your hell back keep waiting you just may get it.

if your think it could be about you and your needs for  once, forget it.

if your in n/c with them keep it that way.

if you have any mental weekness of you own run, fast and soon.

in the past two weeks ive seen three major melt downs from her and she broken it off two times.

becarfull what you asked for

[heartandwhole]

Yes, simply, sometimes I think we need to understand that we become the triggers for our partners with BPD.  This happened in my relationship, and no matter how much I tried to understand, support, and love him, I represented what made him feel bad.  The closer we got = the more urgently he had to get away.

[maxen]

if you think they have chnged... .they didnt.

if you want your hell back keep waiting you just may get it.

if your think it could be about you and your needs for  once, forget it.

if your in n/c with them keep it that way.

if you have any mental weekness of you own run, fast and soon.

thank you, simply. thank you. i very badly needed to read that.

[Changingman]

I'm struggling with the lies, deceit and horrific infidelity. But I know I want nothing to do with her ever again. I hope never to bump into her, they are abusive with no feeling.

No contact,

They have no friends,

if they have a new victim you won't see them (with luck)

We have a connection to them. Eeek

I think this is the recycling theme,

their inner loneliness.

Run

[necchi]

Thank you! I relate to every situation of your 2 last posts !

[Traumatized]

if you want your hell back keep waiting you just may get it.

I got my hell back for a visit last week so I know what you mean.  During a 32 minute 43 second phone condemnation... .I  mean conversation... .I had with her (she called me at 2:30 A.M). I was painted with a fresh coat of black.  Not that the old one had faded at all, she just wanted to make sure I was completely covered and hadn't missed a spot.  She still hates me, everything is my fault, and she denied physically abusing me.

[love4meNOTu]

if you want your hell back keep waiting you just may get it.

I got my hell back for a visit last week so I know what you mean.  During a 32 minute 43 second phone condemnation... .I  mean conversation... .I had with her (she called me at 2:30 A.M). I was painted with a fresh coat of black.  Not that the old one had faded at all, she just wanted to make sure I was completely covered and hadn't missed a spot.  She still hates me, everything is my fault, and she denied physically abusing me.

Me too Traumatized... .

He does hate me, everything is all my fault and he denied abusing me.

I'm not quite sure how we handle these rejections to ourselves, but I think we have to accept that they cannot change. I struggle with it every day. They will repeat the exact same behavior with the new partner... .believe me they will. We know them as they truly are, they need to find someone who doesn't know. Or who knows and doesn't care.

We'll get better, keep posting with me... .I"m with you on this journey.

[Mazda]

They will repeat the exact same behavior with the new partner... .believe me they will. We know them as they truly are, they need to find someone who doesn't know. Or who knows and doesn't care.

We'll get better, keep posting with me... .I"m with you on this journey.

Excellent post... .really put it in perspective... .thank you

[lightswitch]

  All true.  I hope I never have to hear his voice or see his face, etc... .nothing.  I'm having a hard enough time getting through this horrid grieving process, and MOST CERTAINLY do not want to relive any of it.  I just want to keep putting day after day between myself and a sick, abusive relationship.  Careening between deep depression and anger is not a nice place to be.  I'm dedicated, however, to try my best not to abuse myself in my own healing process.

  Their brain  has a case of the black plague... .just as contagious... .just as deadly.  It's really a tragic mental illness.

  So, thanks for the warning, simply, we all need these reality checks.  We all need the support.

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes, simply, sometimes I think we need to understand that we become the triggers for our partners with BPD. 

The closer we got = the more urgently he had to get away.

Thank you, I had forgotten that piece, totally true for me, I could do nothing right when when she was triggered, in the end she was always triggered, and I was the trigger.

[ShadowDancer]

Yes, simply, sometimes I think we need to understand that we become the triggers for our partners with BPD.  

The closer we got = the more urgently he had to get away.

Thank you, I had forgotten that piece, totally true for me, I could do nothing right when when she was triggered, in the end she was always triggered, and I was the trigger.

I said my good byes and then... .I gave her both barrels of No Communication... .take that trigger!

Google Boz Skaggs ":)irty Low Down". Dats my theme song in this whole mess.

[Traumatized]

Yes, simply, sometimes I think we need to understand that we become the triggers for our partners with BPD.  This happened in my relationship, and no matter how much I tried to understand, support, and love him, I represented what made him feel bad.  The closer we got = the more urgently he had to get away.

I'm still in shock trying to deal with the fact that this happened to me.  My face, my presence, my very essence now triggers her with extreme hatred towards me.  No matter what I say or do she looks for an evil motive, when there is none.  She wants to hurt me as much as possible and is glad to know that I suffer.

How can this be happening to me?  How could she go from loving me to hating me so much?  How did I turn into such an evil monster in her eyes?  How could she just cut me off like that?  How could she feel no remorse for the things she's done to me?  How could she not have any empathy towards me whatsoever?  How did I become the scapegoat for everything bad that's happened to her in her life?

I know it's the disorder, but knowing that doesn't help me much.  It doesn't take away the tremendous pain I feel or the tears that I cry every single day. 

[fromheeltoheal]

How can this be happening to me?  How could she go from loving me to hating me so much?  How did I turn into such an evil monster in her eyes?  How could she just cut me off like that?  How could she feel no remorse for the things she's done to me?  How could she not have any empathy towards me whatsoever?  How did I become the scapegoat for everything bad that's happened to her in her life?

I know it's the disorder, but knowing that doesn't help me much.  It doesn't take away the tremendous pain I feel or the tears that I cry every single day. 

I'm sorry you went through that traumatized; we've all been there.

Don't know if you've read this or not, but it answers your questions:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves

[samthewiss]

Thank you, Thank you,

I sometimes miss her. Remember some sweet thing she did and forget the hell.

I am at times sad, but this will pass.

[petridish]

Yes, simply, sometimes I think we need to understand that we become the triggers for our partners with BPD.  This happened in my relationship, and no matter how much I tried to understand, support, and love him, I represented what made him feel bad.  The closer we got = the more urgently he had to get away.

I know this thread is for partners, but you put into words what I think has happened with my mother and it's so painful, because while she exhibits BPD behaviors with my siblings, I am a root cause of her pain in her mind -- I've been yelled at for what siblings have done while she explicitly acknowledged them doing it and me not even knowing about it.

How can this be happening to me?  How could she go from loving me to hating me so much?  How did I turn into such an evil monster in her eyes?  How could she just cut me off like that?  How could she feel no remorse for the things she's done to me?  How could she not have any empathy towards me whatsoever?  How did I become the scapegoat for everything bad that's happened to her in her life?

  [/quote]
I try to remember that part of why I've become her focus is because on some level she knows how emotionally strong and stable I can be. It is relatively easy for me, once her lashing out has passed, to remember that all of her words aren't actually about me -- when she is lashing out, it is about her and I am close to incidental. It doesn't erase her hurtful words from my mind and they do spring up again when I'm overly tired and emotional, but it keeps them at bay. She is (unconsciously) skilled at knowing my weak points and hitting them but despite that, when she lashes out, it is almost always because there is something else going on that's upsetting her and fighting with me provides catharsis.

On some level, she knows I trigger her through things I have done explicitly to support her and be loving towards her, much of it in relation to caretaking for my father when she hasn't been emotionally capable of it at all. For that reason, she will (and has) cut off contact with me. I really have trouble wrapping my head around it, but as her lashing out has increased in frequency with the my father's mental decline (and therefore inability to calm her), it's also become clearer than it's ever been in my decades as her daughter that she often doesn't see ME when she looks at me, especially when she is lashing out.

[Ironmanrises]

A warning I failed to heed when I allowed mine back in for round 2. She ended up hurting me far more the second time around then the first. Mea culpa. My fault.  :'(

[Clearmind]

Simply, it stands to reason that she wouldn't have changed. What about you? What have you learnt about you after 15 recycles?