handling the disbelief of others re female abuse

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have a son who was married to a BPD female. After 10 years of abuse he left and fairly soon formed a relationship with an old friend (she has been a saviour for him). I find that a lot of people concentrate on this new relationship and surmise it is what caused the marriage breakdown not the VERY abusive nature of his ex wife.

How does other people handle the disbelief of others (even of family members-I think she has painted him black in an email) when you try to explain the emotional, physical and verbal abuse of an ex BPD DiL towards ones son? They do not seem to get that females can be horribly abusive also and how destructive it is to anyone be they male or female, adult or child. It's almost as if they think a male should "man up"! What do others say and do? Sometimes it seems so unfair!

[mother in law]

I have a son who was married to a BPD female. After 10 years of abuse he left and fairly soon formed a relationship with an old friend (she has been a saviour for him). I find that a lot of people concentrate on this new relationship and surmise it is what caused the marriage breakdown not the VERY abusive nature of his ex wife.

How does other people handle the disbelief of others (even of family members-I think she has painted him black in an email) when you try to explain the emotional, physical and verbal abuse of an ex BPD DiL towards ones son? They do not seem to get that females can be horribly abusive also and how destructive it is to anyone be they male or female, adult or child. It's almost as if they think a male should "man up"! What do others say and do? Sometimes it seems so unfair!

[Aussie0zborn]

Yes, its very unfair but fighting sexist bias is difficult. We've discussed this a few times in varying depth and my observation (and experience) and the general consensus was:

1. Not many people will believe you. If what you say is true, why would he have stayed in that relationship for ten years? Try explaining that one!

2. What does it matter to them, anyway?

3. Try not to care too much about what others think. You will never change their minds but one day they might just work it out for themselves.

4. It will cause you a lot of frustration trying to convince others. Keep it short and sweet. Just a couple of choice words and that's it. Why give them the right to discuss, criticize or analyze it any further?

I have a friend who was painted black and shunned by the community. It took 15 years for people to approach him and apologize for getting it so wrong. While he was finally vindicated in the court of public opinion, it meant zero to him because he always knew the truth. He responded to those apologies with a shrug of the shoulders and those same people are too ashamed to approach him now that he is a successful author but still claim him as their own. 

As long as you know, that's what really what matters. Maybe others here will have some proven strategies.

[mother in law]

Thanks AussieOzborn I guess I  know that in my mind but you confirming it makes me feel better. We have the double bind of not only female to male abuse not being believed/understood but she is also   Japanese and as they have such peaceful persona from the outside looking in that people also do not believe a Japanese girl would be abusive (we have visited Japan often and her family have always welcomed us it is a lovely country). I get told on occasions it is probably cultural and she is homesick. No I want to say belting and screaming at your parents is not normal, locking your husband in a room for hours at a time and screaming at him how useless he is till he cries, throwing thermos flasks of boiling tea at people, not talking for 8 days at a time (to name just a few) are all not cultural or homesickness but as you say no one would believe all the crazy stories we could tell so I just shut up and hope as you say all will tell in the end. Thank you for listening it does make me feel better but it has been a very traumatic 10 years especially for my son and granddaughter.

[maxen]

hi mother in law. your son's situation (and yours) sounds genuinely horrifying. i hope everything came to some resolution between them?

As long as you know, that's what really what matters. Maybe others here will have some proven strategies.

this is a major issue for me, and if others have strategies i'd like to hear them too. my w was not directly aggressive (except once), but passive-aggressive to an infuriating, juvenile, and on a few occasions physically endangering extent - and of course the problem was my reaction, not her actions. i never told anyone about these things to some extent out of normal discretion, but also because nobody would believe the things i'd have to tell. so i said nothing, and then she left, i was just so awful. but it seems she had so effectively shaved the truth that someone opened the door for her, and the friends she discussed her plans with didn't impede her infidelity. now, i know what the situation was, including how i contributed (i really got frustrated and blew my top a few times). but knowing isn't helping me. so, strategies please.

[Perfidy]

It happens. I was a punching bag for years. She abused everything. Herself. Drugs. Me. She was an abuser and it manifested its self in every area of her life. Anybody that gets intimate with her will know this. She had no problem punching me in front of other people. This is the woman I loved? Get my head examined

[allibaba]

How does other people handle the disbelief of others (even of family members-I think she has painted him black in an email) when you try to explain the emotional, physical and verbal abuse of an ex BPD DiL towards ones son?

Hi Mother in Law,

At the end of the day, its more important that both you and your son hold onto your reality (the truth) dearly.  Its more important that he is safe (emotionally, physically etc) than his public image.  Its easy to say, but really hard to feel in your gut. 

One quick note/ email to her family members to explain himself may be worth it.  Something about how he believes that she is suffering from mental illness and unfortunately (even though he loves her) he couldn't live with it anymore... .may be worth it, but it doesn't really matter (in the end) whether they believe him or not.

What matters is that he's moved on!

[fromheeltoheal]

I say we all get what we deserve.  Fortunately I had the self control to leave before I snapped, which is a good thing because I'd be in jail right now if I had.  And patting myself on the back, the break was so clean that there's nothing I regret or feel guilty about now.  But she won't always be so lucky.  At some point so dude's going to snap and she will get gravely injured if not killed.  That could be the good news if she lives through it, maybe she'll finally hear the message and get help.  Hope so.