Still not over her

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My BPD ex nearly ruined me. Divorce was hard. I did not want to leave this woman but I had no choice. It was like having to abandon a child because of their destructive behavior. I moved out nine months ago. Divorced since May. She has contacted me virtually every day until the last 2 days. Maybe she has finally found someone. I have tried to dance around until she just stopped on her own. I am sure she will return at some point. She has run the gamut from remorse, to defiance. She has begged me to be with her but I can't. Her behaviors though improved are still BPD. She has followed me to work. Texts and emails from new numbers making it tough to block her. Last count I had blocked 15 contact numbers from her. Problem is I still love her. I have lots of women interested in me. They are good people. I have been on several dates. Have not had enough of a spark to want to continue with any of them. I am concerned that I may never find the same level of passion again. I know it hasn't been long enough. I know that the level of passion can be a red flag. Still and yet being honest I miss my wife. I had to leave her but I didn't want to.  It is just awful.

[lost007]

My BPD ex nearly ruined me. Divorce was hard. I did not want to leave this woman but I had no choice. It was like having to abandon a child because of their destructive behavior. I moved out nine months ago. Divorced since May. She has contacted me virtually every day until the last 2 days. Maybe she has finally found someone. I have tried to dance around until she just stopped on her own. I am sure she will return at some point. She has run the gamut from remorse, to defiance. She has begged me to be with her but I can't. Her behaviors though improved are still BPD. She has followed me to work. Texts and emails from new numbers making it tough to block her. Last count I had blocked 15 contact numbers from her. Problem is I still love her. I have lots of women interested in me. They are good people. I have been on several dates. Have not had enough of a spark to want to continue with any of them. I am concerned that I may never find the same level of passion again. I know it hasn't been long enough. I know that the level of passion can be a red flag. Still and yet being honest I miss my wife. I had to leave her but I didn't want to.  It is just awful.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Hi lost007,

It is awful and I can sense the pain in your post.  All I can say is that I understand how difficult it is to let go.  I am still letting go and it still hurts, sometimes badly.  The emotions can be very confusing because we genuinely care for them but at the same time logically know that the relationship is not good for us.  The pain does get better.  I have experienced that. 

But it has not been a linear experience for me.  In other words, I might feel a lot better for a while, and then a huge wave of sadness hit me.  I think we are grieving more than just the relationship with our exes.  Are you in any type of therapy?  Do you have people who are a support to you?  Hang in there.   

[Octoberfest]

Hey lost007,

How long were you with your BPDex?

[fiddlestix]

I was with my diagnosed BPD wife for 25 years.  We are now going through the death throes of a divorce... .finally.  Yet, I never wanted this.  I wanted to grow old with her; I wanted her to just get better; I wanted her to quit lying, having affairs, betraying me, insulting me, picking apart all of my physical and personal traits, yelling at me, abusing food, sex, booze, drugs, computer games, shoplifting, getting fired, destroying every significant relationship with brothers, parents, friends, relatives... .  She is the epitome of BPD... .a textbook case study.  After several excruciating recycles I have stepped off the merry go round.  Yet, I long for her.  I lust for her.  I think of her.  Even though I may even hate her... .  I dream of her coming back, fully healed, repentant, aware of what she has done... .  I have dated.  A very lovely, healthy woman who cares for me deeply is hoping for something more.  But I am still drunk on my ex.  I may be more ill than my ex.  She is at a music fest with her current boy toy, probably having fun, getting laid, drinking... .  I am home thinking, processing, praying, reflecting... .ruminating... .no drinking for me. I tried it; it doesn't work.     I can't wait til I am indifferent as to her doings.  No Contact, prayer, good friends, reading, exercise... .is the remedy.  And, it won't hurt me when, and if, my ex and her current man crash and burn LOL. I know that is immature, but what what the heck... .  I deserve one guilty pleasure.

Fiddlestix

[fiddlestix]

By "crash and burn" I mean break up... .not an actual accident.  As I reread my post I realized how gruesome that sounded.  Anyway... .

Fiddlestix

[Phoenix.Rising]

I wanted her to quit lying, having affairs, betraying me, insulting me, picking apart all of my physical and personal traits, yelling at me, abusing food, sex, booze, drugs, computer games, shoplifting, getting fired, destroying every significant relationship with brothers, parents, friends, relatives... . 

But she has to want this, too.  I know it hurts badly.  What is acceptable to you in a committed relationship?  What are your boundaries?

I may be more ill than my ex. 

It seems like a lot of us don't recognize that we are often very sick, too.  I know I have been.  I had a low opinion of myself on some levels, otherwise I wouldn't have let my boundaries been trampled on.  I've also heard that we seek those out who are on a similar emotional level to us. Emotions, like water, seek the same level.

What do you find attractive in all of this?  I have to ask myself the same questions.  Hang in there.

[fiddlestix]

My ex has a very domineering personality.  She hates losing, being wrong, being corrected... .  I feared being yelled at so I submitted myself to painful put-downs, eye rolls and insults.  She would insult that I no longer look how I did when we were 22 (as if she does), she insulted my laugh, my sneeze, my kisses, my hair, my clothing, the way I chew... .This was off and on for years, but got worse at the end of our relationship.  She decayed over the years; her behavior worsened, she got back into drugs and drinking... .  What is "funny" is that if anyone was a target for insults is was her.  She had regressed to impulsive teen behavior (we are 47), drank, did drugs, lied, cheated, betrayed... .   How dare her insult me!  While I am no prince, I never went below the belt and insulted her because I KNOW how much it would have hurt her.  I wish she had the same awareness. 

I now know that I will never allow myself to be treated in such a way.  She attacked me on a personal level in a manner that school kids do on the playground.  Of course, in standard BPD style, she would occasionally praise me and say she did not mean what she said before.  That was rare.  But it was enough to train me like a dog with intermittent positive reinforcement.  I longed for the praise that would eventually come on the heels of abuse. Never again.  If I am with someone like that again... .I am outa there before I get in too deep.  She wants a friendship with me.  I have erected rigid boundaries and desire no contact.  I am proud of that. Boundaries is a new word for me, sadly. 

[Phoenix.Rising]

I have had to learn boundaries later in life as well, and I'm still learning them.  The main thing is is that we are learning!  It's never too late.  I'm sorry that you had to experience such abuse.  My ex was starting to get aggressive towards the end of our relationship.  She was showing a side of herself that frankly scared me and I did not like.

[lost007]

October. 5 years in all. Last 20 months married. Just wanted to care for her. She is so alluring and beautiful. She has full awareness. She had a dream life with me. Lots of money. In addition I adored her. However she could not stop her irrational behaviors. Usually 2-3 days later she would realize what she had done but was powerless to prevent it from happening again. She has admitted all. She knows she has a mental illness. Her pleas seem heartfelt. Yet I know what will happen. I would do anything for her. I would anonymously pay to get her therapy even if she needs up with another because I know she suffers. But this evil person who appears when I did not appease her or go with her program is a force I cannot combat. I am in therapy. My therapist has no sympathy for this woman. Really none at all. I get it. I should have none but I do.

[Learning_curve74]

She has admitted all. She knows she has a mental illness. Her pleas seem heartfelt. Yet I know what will happen. I would do anything for her. I would anonymously pay to get her therapy even if she needs up with another because I know she suffers. But this evil person who appears when I did not appease her or go with her program is a force I cannot combat. I am in therapy. My therapist has no sympathy for this woman. Really none at all. I get it. I should have none but I do.

Don't beat yourself up, lost007. Many of us have the same feelings you do, that we would do anything within our power to help our pwBPD. Yes, even if they were to become happy and whole and fall in love with another person and not us. I wasn't married to my pwBPD, and I didn't want to leave her either. But it was to leave or be lost myself turning into some awful person that I couldn't look at myself in the mirror.

I understand you miss your ex terribly. There was a lot of passion, it's part of the BPD portfolio of behaviors. The one thing that tends to draw us to BPDers is the intensity which shows up extremely early in the relationship. Maybe we should consider that it can take time to build that kind of intensity with healthier partners. That somebody who is off the charts intense to begin with might raise some red flags? 

Instead of writing dates off quickly, maybe sometimes it's worth having a few more. I don't believe there is "the one" out there where we necessarily have to magically click and fall in love at first sight. Maybe it takes time to grow together, time to get to know one another? I know friends who are happily married long term that weren't on each others' romantic radars until long after they met as acquaintances.

[lost007]

I'm not sure of the remedy for this illness. It has now been nearly a year. I am with another woman who is healthy and thinks I am the cat's meow. Still and yet I think of her(my BPD ex) daily. I just cannot seem to shake it. I know it is not possible to be with her. That destruction is the only possible outcome if I were to let myself even consider it. Blackmail, threats, intimidation, false accusation. She was not into drugs. Didn't self harm. She was so abusive though. I hated what I was when I was with her. Truth is that I still love her. This isn't fair to my current partner, but it is the truth. I keep waiting for this to go away. My BPD ex begged me at the end not to leave. To get her help. There was so much destruction though that I couldn't remain. So even though I am so much better in so many ways, that longing and ache remain. Tears still occassionally flow. Just awful.

[Traumatized]

I may be more ill than my ex.

Me too.  I probably am.

[lost007]

I did not love being treated like crap so I left her. I despised being treated that way. However, the good parts were incredible. Intellectually I understand that the good could not outweigh the bad. The destruction would always win. There was no avoiding the utter chaos that became my life as long as I was with her. Yet, I still felt for her. Hated watching what she was doing to herself. I see it like this. A child may show misbehavior that can drive a wedge between him or herself and a parent. If it is your child you will still love them. The relationship may not be possible because of behaviors. If the behaviors were gone the relationship is possible. I had to leave because of behaviors. I didn't leave because I didn't love her. This is what has made it so difficult. I do believe in time it will be better. I am just surprised at this point the degree to which I still think about her.

[Learning_curve74]

I know it is not possible to be with her. That destruction is the only possible outcome if I were to let myself even consider it. Blackmail, threats, intimidation, false accusation. She was so abusive though. I hated what I was when I was with her.

Not to make light of it, but what exactly were the "good parts" again? I don't see any that you listed? What exactly was so great about her that you are still holding onto her in your mind?

Sometimes people on the Leaving board here get caught in a mind game where we say if only our pwBPD got rid of the bad behaviors then we could stay with the good person they really are. But we could just as easily say that the good behaviors were a mask over the bad person that they really are! And maybe the real truth is that they are all the things good and bad, and if you tried to get rid of either, they would change so much that then they wouldn't even be the person we fell in love with anymore.

[houseofswans]

I had to leave because of behaviors.

I didn't leave because I didn't love her.

This is what has made it so difficult.

Yes, my friend - I would walk away from my ex so many times because of the behaviours. Not because I didn't care (I probably cared too much), and also not because I didn't love her.

[babyducks]

I'm not sure of the remedy for this illness.

It has now been nearly a year. I am with another woman who is healthy and thinks I am the cat's meow. Still and yet I think of her(my BPD ex) daily. I just cannot seem to shake it. I know it is not possible to be with her. That destruction is the only possible outcome if I were to let myself even consider it. Blackmail, threats, intimidation, false accusation. She was not into drugs. Didn't self harm. She was so abusive though. I hated what I was when I was with her. Truth is that I still love her. This isn't fair to my current partner, but it is the truth. I keep waiting for this to go away. My BPD ex begged me at the end not to leave. To get her help. There was so much destruction though that I couldn't remain. So even though I am so much better in so many ways, that longing and ache remain. Tears still occassionally flow. Just awful.

Hi lost007, 

I am wondering which illness you are referring to here,  The BPD or the soul wrenching grief we all seem to end up with as our dreams and hopes crash and shatter.

I have to allow myself to grieve.  And there are days I grieve this terribly.   I could have written most of your post.  I am trying to walk through this process the best I can while minimizing the damage to myself, my Ex and others.   I am trying to do the right things for the right reasons.  And some days a part of me wants to curl up in a ball and cry.

I still love my Ex.  Part of me thinks I probably always will.   And that I am just letting time pass while events swirl around me.   On very bad days I have to fight like mad to not contact her, to not start the mad dance all over again.   

It is very hard.   Still I have set my feet on a path and I am going to keep working towards a better day, a better future.   

babyducks

[lost007]

babyducks

Yes, I am in a similar place. I don't necessarily want to contact her. I know I can't be with her. Yet I am so angry. I wanted her. I left her last December as she threatened to ruin christmas for my kids(from a previous marriage) who were coming in for the holidays. She was going to "out" me for the monster I was. I packed under the dark of night and started a divorce which took nearly six months as she did not want to let me go. She begged and begged me to return to her. Admitted she needed help, yet would still verbally attack me with a vengeance. It was like watching a train derail in front of your eyes. She contacted me daily until about 6 weeks ago. I just tried to ignore all the while dying inside. Even my therapist doesn't get this. She has no sympathy for the ex and sees her as evil. I have a friend and this board as my outlets to describe this angst. Thanks for reading.

[Phoenix.Rising]

I understand exactly what you are saying about leaving because of behaviors and not because you didn't love her.  There was something special my ex had that I have yet to encounter in another woman... that part really, really 'floored me'.  I'm not sure I will ever fully get over it.  However, she also had a side that was colder than the arctic ice cap!  No, thank you!  It is for the best we are not together.

[lost007]

Yes Phoenix. That is dead on. No doubt things are improving for me. I so appreciate the ability to sort things out on this board with others who have lived similar paths.

[zordon11]

Sometimes the greatest thing you can for to the person you love is to say "no". Stay strong and one day you will find someone worth your time. All the best