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Pretty Woman
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« on: November 19, 2013, 03:39:08 PM » |
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Below are some emails exchanged during our "major" breakups. It's scary when I re read them how final this one seems. She has cut me off completely. It truly hurts.
Break up: January 1st 2013. Went NC (me) she sent me this on Feb 6th.
Feb 6th, 7:34am:
Earth Angel,
I texted you but don't know if you got it or not... .I have flu again... .But would like to see you Sunday (afternoon or evening - my place). Call me tonight if you want to talk about it - I'm hoping you'll just say yes and we can see each other.
-J
Feb 6th 1:38pm:
J,
I forgot my phone today.
I will need to think about this, J. Sunday I am having ten ladies over for brunch. I am looking forward to this, esp after the crummy week I've had. I am very heartbroken and I seriously feel like my heart was pushed through a meat grinder, glued back together and then pushed through again. I cannot keep up with this. There is something wrong with us and and I am getting help for it.
Feb 6th 2:00pm:
I understand the meat grinder thing... .Maybe we both go get help for it/us/communication issues. I don't know the answer (obviously) but I still find myself caring for you like no one I've ever known before. I'm sorry about everything. Heart is pretty raw and unguarded. I understand about having to think about it but maybe tomorrow night (if better by then)... .or next week... .just think about it... .I really would like to have you over (it will be calm and healing - promise).
((Short of a beg - forgive me))
Feb 6th 3:30pm:
J,
The only way... .seriously... .that I would ever consider a relationship with you, is we get counseling. I'd like to find a gay relationship therapist/psychiatrist, whatever. I think you and I both have our own issues that are undiagnosed, we may even need separate counseling. If we do this, I want to start counseling ASAP-next week. I am sure there are therapists with evening/weekend hours and we will work it around your mom, but this will not work unless something is fixed.
I never meant to call you names... .I was so hurt and so angry at you and how you were reacting to me. The things you were saying to me, like I don't love you anymore, leave me alone... .you know what... .I'm going for _____... .
I know you meant none of them but they hurt me more than anything anyone has ever said to me in my life.
And I also have to deal with all the people I confided in that now think you are a psycho and I can do better and they are really mad because they know I will go back to you. I cannot afford to lose these people in my life, J.
I understand their sentiment and reasoning. While I take responsibility for things I have done, your reactions to them have not been normal. Even your own sister will seriously kick my ass for even talking to you right now. When I said she was great it's because she told me she has no ill-will towards me, and likes me... .but I need to stop responding to you because you are self-destructive-her words.
You need to stop relying on ex's as your friends and start confiding in your girlfriend, working on your own issues. Ex's are ex's for a reason. You cannot move forward if you cleave to the past, and trashing me to them when we argue doesn't help. They are people with an attachment of some sort to you... .you did not work out with them, do you really think they should be evaluating or giving feedback on your current situation? You need to make new friends and when something gets hard, or you are scared you need to find a way of dealing with it, other than breaking up with someone and not listening to their opinions.
Do I think you want to be happy and in a relationship? Yes. But you will constantly have unhappy, destructive relationships if you do not fix the issues and I think a lot of them are inside you, not me. I am willing to talk... .you say nasty things and run.
It is very push-pull and not fair.
I have made friends at meetup and people know we are not together. I want to stay in that group. _____ is trying to pick up the pieces-I am well aware she likes me and I feel really bad but I do not want to hurt her. She doesn't deserve this. She is a genuinely good person and treats me very nice. I see there are people I can be with, without this emotional crap. Do I want to go round three with you and end up with two emotional black-eyes? No way. I love you but I am not interested in following in the footsteps of Ike and Tina, Bobby and Whitney.
You need to really think about what you want and what you are willing to do to make it work. If you are willing and serious about it, I will consider it as well.
I cannot get together tonight, I have dinner plans and will be out late. Just take some time to think more about all this and we'll touch base later this week.
I hope you and your mom are feeling better.
Earth Angel
Feb 6th 4:00pm:
Thanks for the response - all well taken and yes, I will think about it. I don't want you as an "ex" - I do know that. I'm not asking for insta-relationship; I'm just asking to see you.
-J
After all this we stayed together until she dumped me on May 30th. Below is our last email exchange on June 13th. She ended up going to Minnesota to be with an ex. Yeah, I was pretty desperate in this 1st email!
June 13th:J,
You are worth fighting for.
I have sat here staring at this screen all day. Trying to hold back any words that could possibly bring you pain, any words that would bring you sorrow or anger.
I know I cannot fix what has happened, but the woman you fell in love with is still here. She has always been here, she was just covered by a shroud of protection for fear every dream she ever wanted could come true. This woman let things hold her back from being your champion and supporting "us" and giving you the attention, the affection you so desperately deserve.
I am not perfect and I sure as hell am not the smartest person in the world but I know one thing. No matter how long I have been Gay I could have done better.
We should be together.
My heart tells me this and it tells me there is still a part of you that feels the same. I never would have even called you the other night if I didn't feel it. My heart continues to feel it.
This world is beautiful. You make it even more so.
You are not obligated to respond to this. All I know is you deserve to hear it and I wish I had told this to you every single morning when you woke up next to me. I had the chance.
I will always love you. With every bated breath and beat of my heart. I love you, J.
-Earth Angel
June 13th:
Earth Angel,
I am making an active choice for you not to be in my life; being its my life, I can choose who I allow to share and not to share my life with. Your written word is brilliant, it's too bad that your voice pretty much anytime you speak and your actions have not followed. Your issues that blocked me/us and your inconsistency was actually the most consistent part in our past relationship.
None of my boundary or choice to end out relationship and friendship is up for discussion.
Again, I ask you to respect me and my decision and do not contact me any further in person/phone/text/email.
I wish you wellness and peace, Earth Angel.
-J
June 13th:
Earth Angel,
If you continue to harass me, it will result in: A restraining order is a restraint from contact with a person. It includes ANY kind of contact, whether it be in person, on the phone, through email, text messages, instant messenger, a letter in the mail, etc. No contact means no contact.
I have requested several times no contact and I expect for you to respect this request. I do not want to continue a intimate relationship or friendship with you. I find your repetitive email, texts and phone calls to express your emotions threatening and invasive to my privacy. I am experiencing anxiety when my phone rings / buzzes today because of your repeated attempt to have me understand your emotions and drag me through this break up over and over again. I do not want contact with you, I believe that you are unhealthy to my life and you have not treated me nice or fair. Do not contact me; if you persist I will file a complaint against you.-J
After this I did not contact her. She called me incessently on her drive home from Minnesota and showed up on my doorstep. I took her back. This was July 7th.
I can't locate the last message on email but it read almost verbatim as the one directly above this with the exception that she said I was fabricating my reason for us breaking up to make myself feel better. That is was all my fault and she wished to no longer have a friendship or relationship. Almost VERBATIM to the point it is scary!
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