Who has cheated? What did you learn?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm well aware that many of you living with a pwBPD partner had to also endure the pwBPD partner having affairs.   Unfortunately, not the case for me.  I was the one who had the affairs, several of them in fact over a period of 6 months before my expwBPD found out.   The affairs shamed me in such a profound way and of course, were used against me as I "thought" we were going to work things through.   Here I gained a new label of "sex addict" to add to the label of Aspergers.

Of course, my expwBPD partner thought it would be a good idea to tell her D12 that I had affairs.  We've never been able to reconnect since.   Breaks my heart to lose her!

Has anyone else who is a Non had affairs?   If so, what drove you to that?  What was going on in your mind at the time and in retrospect?

[TakingWingAtLast]

I'm well aware that many of you living with a pwBPD partner had to also endure the pwBPD partner having affairs.   Unfortunately, not the case for me.  I was the one who had the affairs, several of them in fact over a period of 6 months before my expwBPD found out.   The affairs shamed me in such a profound way and of course, were used against me as I "thought" we were going to work things through.   Here I gained a new label of "sex addict" to add to the label of Aspergers.

Of course, my expwBPD partner thought it would be a good idea to tell her D12 that I had affairs.  We've never been able to reconnect since.   Breaks my heart to lose her!

Has anyone else who is a Non had affairs?   If so, what drove you to that?  What was going on in your mind at the time and in retrospect?

[Clearmind]

Dpendberg, I certainly had emotional affairs and I am sure he did too.

We all have affairs for different reasons. Any ideas what drove you to it? Validation, acceptance, proof you are loveable?

[TakingWingAtLast]

Clearmind,

I'm the guy here.  She did, in fact, have an emotional, nonconsummated affair that I discovered.  But I had to discount it because I was knee deep into my own affairs at the time.  And like many men I suspect, my affairs weren't emotional, they were sexual only. 

Your ideas don't ring to me, unfortunately, except perhaps validation.  I think that I was angry and hurt and wanted to lash out.  To make her hurt.  I think I was trying to adapt to the toxic relationship by engaging with the affairs because it was, at least, a connection to someone outside the relationship, so perhaps that was some validation in some way.  Emotional affairs would have been more effective, but that would have ended the relationship!  And I was too much trying to preserve that toxic crap to actually end it.  You would have thought that MY affairs would have ended it completely, but no, after a 1 month separation, she called me back with the suicide card and I was back in the house.  The affairs were a way to deflect my own anguish with the r/s.  I awaited eagerly for the email that said another sexual encounter was nigh.  It felt good to be physical for the moment.   Finally, perhaps it was my own way of ending it all with her.   A step out of the door, if you will.  That's what my best friend, a forensic psychiatrist, called, "chewing my leg off to get out of the steel trap."

Yet, I know that the affairs were toxic to me.  In fact, more toxic to me than her perhaps.  And of course, any good pwBPD would leverage my guilt at the affairs to her advantage by codifying two words, sex addict.   All subsequent therapy was always directed to that.  Maddening, because we NEVER got to her issues. 

I have to say that talking on here in this way has been most healing.   Understanding my behaviors and hers has helped me cope with this acute separation.

dpenderg

Dpendberg, I certainly had emotional affairs and I am sure he did too.

We all have affairs for different reasons. Any ideas what drove you to it? Validation, acceptance, proof you are loveable?

[KE151]

I did. Sexual, not emotional.

My ex (a raging queen type BPD) cheated on me many times and I retaliated. And she found out. And she told about it to my children and her daughter. And my parents, sister and friends. And 160 people on facebook.

My guilt and shame were immense even before she found out, but in hindsight I was probably somehow hoping to get caught so the r/s would finally come to an end. And it did. Now? No regrets, I've forgiven myself.

[TakingWingAtLast]

KE,

Yeah, I can certainly get all that you say.  Any words of wisdom about how to forgive yourself?

dpenderg

[Juno]

I was very young when I had an affair with my ex. She was married and I was single at the time. My situation is probably very different than most.

My ex was my high school teacher and I was her former student. The affair didn't take place while I was her student. It took place within weeks after I graduated high school. I certainly wasn't looking for it to happen. I assumed we were just really good friends. I think she might of started developing feelings for me during that last year in high school. Looking back now I can see some signs during that last year that were odd. One big one was during a test I was taking. I remember she was walking up and down the aisles making sure everyone was doing their own work. She approached me and stopped. She stood over me and stared at my work. Then she pointed out that I had forgotten to write my name at the top of the test. She then placed her hand over mine and started tracing my name like I was a four year old. Back then I thought that was really strange, but now I'm thinking it was her way of trying to connect with me by touching my hand.

Later that year she asked to sign my yearbook and then she gave me her phone number. She asked for me to stop by the following week so we could just talk. She was married with two kids and I thought she was being friendly. The more I stopped by the more bizarre her behavior. Within a few weeks we were taking walks together and she buying alcohol for me. It quickly became much more than a friendship. The strange thing about this was in the beginning we would talk and we shared a lot emotions together. Once it went to a sexual r/s she changed completely. We still talked, but sex became much more important to her. She would get very upset if we met and didn't have sex. Our dates would consist of sex before dinner and sex after dinner. When I tried telling her that I wanted us to be friends, she seemed to have hard time wondering why I didn't want to include sex in our relationship? It was like she didn't care that she was married with two kids and a husband and my former teacher. All of that just flew right over her head. But sex was one thing she refused to give up. We broke up quite a few times over that. I told her I wanted to have a normal relationship with someone my own age. She countered with a compromise. She told me I could invite some of my friends to her house on weekends her husband was away on business. She said we could just tell them we're really good friends and it's just a little get-together dinner. So like an idiot I actually invited a friend and his gf over to her house. My ex then proceeds to get drunk during the whole thing. She was so freaking sloppy and it was so embarrassing. I had to walk her up to her bedroom because she was getting out-of control. She was making all kinds of advances towards me and it was very apparent to my friends she was more than a friend. Then when I get her up to her bedroom she tries to give me oral sex. I literally had to push her off of me. The whole thing was a huge mistake. I should of known better. I still don't understand why she was so fixated on sex? In the end that's all our relationship was about. She never told me anything about her husband or why she was doing this.

[KE151]

KE,

Yeah, I can certainly get all that you say.  Any words of wisdom about how to forgive yourself?

dpenderg

I'm only human. I make mistakes. It helped me get out which may sound like a weird justification but the end result was the best for me and for my kids. I behaved badly during the r/s, much of it triggered by the intensity. And she still idealizes me and tries to recycle every few months, so she's over it as well  

[TakingWingAtLast]

Juno,

That may be worst scenario that I could ever imagine for a young man.   Have you seen a therapist about this.   It must have been so hard indeed to have been in such a situation.  I truly can't imagine.   How are you dealing with all of this?

[HarmKrakow]

I never had a affair, not emotional not sexual. I find having an emotional affair or sexual affair the dumbest thing you can do emotionally and it is the greatest sign of emotional immaturity (in my opinion). Retaliation by having sex with someone else to hurt someone ... to me is a joke. Especially people who screw around with others to force a break up in the r/s.

[Bit Lost]

I'm sorry I really don't understand any of this thread... .if you really loved that person despite what they may have done to you if you truly loved them in the first place then you wouldn't have felt pushed into the arms of another or to even go off and have sex with that other person. I think that tells me more that there is problems laying deep within you also. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but even now after not seeing my ex for almost a year and a half and we ended our relationship but we have kept in contact as he felt he "needed" me for support when he was just infact draining the life out of me I still don't feel any need to be with anyone else, to me that would be wrong and would be on the rebound because I have more respect for myself and people than that to ever do anything like that to anyone, I know I wouldn't care for them and love them like I should so that would make me feel terrible, I mean I know we all are different but is this normal?

[TakingWingAtLast]

BitLost,

As you might imagine, I'm struggling with this.   I was trying to be open about my own behaviors so that others here could help me examine.   I think many of us wonder if we weren't ourselves, pwBPD, at some point.   Or even something else.   I was wondering if others had a similar experience that it might provide some insight for me as I go through this process.   If others had a similar experience, then perhaps I might have a deeper understanding.  So, I have opened myself up for some criticism in search of the truth of the matter.

My therapist has decided that I wasn't the one who was pwBPD, but rather my expwBPD.  So, I'm trying to figure it all out.

dpenderg

[Skip]

This is always a difficult subject.

Members that have been cheated on have certainly suffered deep personal wounds.

Members who have cheated, often struggle with deep personal guilt and shame.

Each are coming at this from a very different place.

And there are other members that have deep personal opinions and values related to this subject.

This thread is for members that have been involved in an affair and are trying to sort it all out.  We have other threads for members that have been cheated on.

Let's respect everyone and help as best we can.

[A Dad]

In the first 8 years of my marriage, I never cheated on my wife. In any way, no flirting, no lap dances, nothing. I hardly even used to look at other women. Maybe I might have looked at other women in a sexual way a handful of times, but that was it.

After finding out about my wife's affair, I was really in a very bad place. Blaming myself, trying to make sense of my life, uncertain about everything. And my wife wouldn't even let me grieve... Asking me why I am always sad, it is bringing her down, get over it!

In what I believe was a desperate attempt to let go of the resentment and maybe find a way to stay in this marriage, I went to a hooker for a BJ. I didn't feel anything - no pleasure, no shame, no relief, nothing. I did feel revulsion on my way there, and that made me more resentful of my wife - that she had brought me to this. I told her about it after a couple of days. It didn't matter to her at all, she just asked me if I had used protection.

I tried it a second time. This time I tried to have sex with a hooker. Again, this was not to get back at my wife, but just me trying to even the scales in my own mind, so that I could somehow go on with my marriage. This time after some initial stimulation, I could not even sustain an erection. All I could think of was how this woman was so different from my wife - the only woman I had known for years. I could feel how her skin wasn't as soft, and how her body wasn't the body I was used to. In the end I was physically incapable of having sex with her, even though she tried every trick she could think of. I didn't tell my wife about this second incident, there was nothing new there.

Honestly, if she had just let me grieve my way through it, heard me out, let me vent a little every now and then and not made demands on me to get over it, this wouldn't have happened

Would you consider this cheating? I had like to know what other members on this board think. If I am getting in a serious relationship again, I will share this with my partner upfront. I am wondering what reaction I will get?

I know that I will never cheat on another partner. If I get into a relationship again, it will be to get that same feeling back - complete trust, complete faithfulness, with the woman I am with being the only one I want.

In fact, that is one of the reasons that was pushing me to end my marriage. I can no longer guarantee that I can be faithful to her after what she has done. I will never carry out an affair because that is not just cheating, that involves lying and covering things up and that is something I simply cannot do. But if another opportunity comes up that does not need me to lie, I fear I might cheat on her after what she has done. The walls I had up before against infidelity are just not as strong anymore. That is one reason, I would rather end this marriage and hope for another relationship again where I can find the same commitment and strength in myself.

Thoughts?

[Lady31]

adad,

I am sorry you have experienced this.  I won't comment on whether it's "right" or "wrong" - I will say that what you did was obviously different than someone just going out to get their needs met because they were unhappy, selfish or were unable to deal with their marital issues in a healthy way.  The driving factor is something totally different.

When you hold deep beliefs and commitments the way you do (I understand this) then if you allow this woman to push you to do these things you will slowly lose more and more of yourself.  Then you will resent her even more because of what she has caused in the marriage and it will push you even further from being able to "settle the score" to continue the marriage.

Don't lose yourself.  Be proud of your character and loyalty.  There are women out there that WISH they could find men like you that hold that same level of standard in themselves.

I know it - I am one of them.  Hold on to who you are at all costs.  It is admired and deeply respected.

[TakingWingAtLast]

Adad,

You have learned true cost of cheating.  It is hurtful to you.   Yet, I think that you had to hurt yourself in order to destroy the "Knight in Shining Armor" that the non men on here all too take on with their pwBPD. It's maladaptive, of course, but when that sense of loyalty is so powerful that it seems unbreakable, infidelity can break it.   Forgive yourself.  Be free. 

[adad quote]

In fact, that is one of the reasons that was pushing me to end my marriage. I can no longer guarantee that I can be faithful to her after what she has done. I will never carry out an affair because that is not just cheating, that involves lying and covering things up and that is something I simply cannot do. But if another opportunity comes up that does not need me to lie, I fear I might cheat on her after what she has done. The walls I had up before against infidelity are just not as strong anymore. That is one reason, I would rather end this marriage and hope for another relationship again where I can find the same commitment and strength in myself.

Thoughts?[/quote]

[Juno]

Dpenderg,

I'm a new member on this site. I have very lengthy introduction that included a lot of specifics. I posted it in late October. Not sure if you can find it on the introduction page, but it answers a few of your questions. My situation is very difficult because I was so young when it occurred. I used very poor judgment and have a lot of pent up guilt resulting from that. There are many layers to my situation that has made it even more hard to live with. Again, it's all in my intro. Here's the short answer.

My ex was my former teacher. The affair occurred between 1986-1988. My therapist thinks she has BPD as well as Dissociative Identity Disorder (split personality). She has sent me over 500 letters from 1986-1996. Her last letter in 1996 included a death threat against me when she found out I was married and my wife was pregnant. She continued to teach from 1986-2011 and retired as head of the science department. She sent me a fb private msg last November. It was the first time I had heard from her in 13 years. In the msg she tells me all about her life. She's still married to her husband and she's now an adjunct professor at a major university. As she ends her msg she tells me she gave birth to my son 26 years ago and wanted to let me know he's in medical school now. I have been going to a therapist off and on since last November. This has put a lot strain on my marriage. I have no way of knowing what the truth is unless I contact the ex and I DON'T want to make any contact with that woman. I have good days and bad days. It's more or less trying to come to terms of this and being able to live with the unknowns.