Confused

[Knowingishalf]

I had a very well defined idea of what my now separated ex was capable of and how she interacted with people.  I built my exit well and left with my daughter.  She was somehow the worst mother while being a horrible person to everyone around her.  Now all of the sudden she is mother of the year?  She is trying to be sweet to me it is creeping me out.  I mean 9 years of verbal abuse and she pretends like it didn't happen.  Now I have everyone begging us to go to counseling to give it one more shot. This is because they see the way she is acting now and it is like everyone has amnesia regarding the way she even treated them.

Here is the rub I gave her plenty of chances I honestly don't want to give her a single extra chance.  But how in the world did she change so fast from 100% angry to something so different.  It is really creeping me out.  She is actually talking in another voice a weird higher pitch voice.  She is now fighting me for custody when, when we were together she spent 0 -10 % of the time with our daughter and did everything she could to get away with out her.  It is the strangest thing... .

[Turkish]

I had a very well defined idea of what my now separated ex was capable of and how she interacted with people.  I built my exit well and left with my daughter.  She was somehow the worst mother while being a horrible person to everyone around her.  Now all of the sudden she is mother of the year?  She is trying to be sweet to me it is creeping me out.  I mean 9 years of verbal abuse and she pretends like it didn't happen.  Now I have everyone begging us to go to counseling to give it one more shot. This is because they see the way she is acting now and it is like everyone has amnesia regarding the way she even treated them.

Here is the rub I gave her plenty of chances I honestly don't want to give her a single extra chance.  But how in the world did she change so fast from 100% angry to something so different.  It is really creeping me out.  She is actually talking in another voice a weird higher pitch voice.  She is now fighting me for custody when, when we were together she spent 0 -10 % of the time with our daughter and did everything she could to get away with out her.  It is the strangest thing... .

Hi Knowing... .that is certainly confusing and concerning. It doesn't help to have people enabling it, especially if they have no idea she is mentally ill (or if they don't understand the BPD mind). Who is "everyone?" Does that include your daughter? Have you posted to the Legal boards to get an idea of what your options are? You and your daughter are most important in this, and pardon me, but to hell with "everyone" else.

Stay strong, trust your gut. How long have you been out? Sorry if I forgot... .hard to keep track of everyone here. Only you would know, but I don't see anything wrong with counseling. LONG counseling, observing marked progress and commitment, before making any kind of commitment yourself. As most of us know, even our so-called "high functioning" partners are at their core not stable, and the instability usually manifests itself after not too long.

[Knowingishalf]

Thanks for the response, as for everyone this is friends mutual friends, her parents, and others. They are suggesting that family counseling will help get us back together... .This is not something I want in any way.  I have been out 2 weeks I am reaching out today for my own counselor. They want us to go to group / marriage counseling.  This is not an acceptable solution for me currently.

I want my own counseling, lots of it but I don't want her anywhere near mine.  I have so many fears, that in any type of group counseling there will be some overpowering by her due to my "fear" of her and her responses.  I am also usually terrified to have any sort of conversation with her due to her standard rages, instant flashing rages.  I honestly get physically ill when I have to be around her any more... .Ugh but I still have this terrible doubt like I am doing something wrong to my daughter but breaking up the marriage.  It is such a simple question if it was just my ex and I.  The answer would be NO! Never again.  I want my daughter to know her mother but I don't want her to ever face the neglect and rages again... .Life right?

[Turkish]

Thanks for the response, as for everyone this is friends mutual friends, her parents, and others. They are suggesting that family counseling will help get us back together... .This is not something I want in any way.  I have been out 2 weeks I am reaching out today for my own counselor. They want us to go to group / marriage counseling.  This is not an acceptable solution for me currently.

I want my own counseling, lots of it but I don't want her anywhere near mine.  I have so many fears, that in any type of group counseling there will be some overpowering by her due to my "fear" of her and her responses.  I am also usually terrified to have any sort of conversation with her due to her standard rages, instant flashing rages. 

My severely disordered mother (Depressive, but with BPD traits) put me into ostensibly "family" counseling once. She went for one session. I was left to finish it out. The very first session, I spoke up about something, and she jumped on my case, "I do NOT do that!" The counselor said nothing. So I said to myself, "so this is how it is going to go" I was 12, I remember it pretty well. Not all counselors are good, so I get what you are saying.

I honestly get physically ill when I have to be around her any more... .Ugh but I still have this terrible doubt like I am doing something wrong to my daughter but breaking up the marriage.  It is such a simple question if it was just my ex and I.  The answer would be NO! Never again.  I want my daughter to know her mother but I don't want her to ever face the neglect and rages again... .Life right?

Yeah, this is life. Counseling would be good for you and possibly your daughter, separate and together. To protect her, it might be good to work out your feelings and keep them to yourself, depending upon her age. I have friends whose children are wise enough to come to their own conclusions about what happened and why, but not usually for a long time. Have you checked out some of the parenting links? I'm perusing some of the parenting things to keep my own anger and hurt in check around my kids. I have caught myself slipping up... .

Staying/Leaving for the kids?

[Learning_curve74]

Hey knowing, I think what Turkish suggests as far as individual counseling for your daughter as well as you and her together has a lot of merit.

As far as further counseling with your ex, not sure you've seen the anecdotal evidence on the boards that marriage/couples counseling is usually ineffective when one partner is BPD. My exBPDgf even told me it was a waste of time with her ex-husband. 

You sound very confident in what you want and what is best for you and your daughter. All of these other people cannot live your life for you, so what say do they deserve to have in what you do? It's frustrating though... .hang in there! 

[Knowingishalf]

I just wanted to make sure I made it clear the people in question want us to do group therapy.  I am not the best with written words dyslexia and what not. 

The crazy thing was up until this point there were interventions and pleas from her parents regarding therapy that she fought, and now that I left she is all for it.  I know it is an attempt to recycle me and I am having none of it. None of it.  I am just baffled at the sudden shift to something she was so against in an attempt to get me back.

[lightswitch]

Hey, Knowing,

 I quickly realized after a few different therapy sessions with my ex BPD that it simply was going nowhere. He was, and never will be capable. Of course, I would wish it could be different, and who knows, maybe someday he'll reach out for help on his own. I can't wait around, it will kill me. Or he would.

Your daughter... .I understand why you feel conflicted when you have others trying to tell you what they think you should do, etc. Your daughter needs physical and emotional safety. Untreated pwBPD can't offer that. The long term affects for your daughter having to be drawn into the BPD illness would negatively outweigh the attempts to have an intact 'family unit'.

 It sounded like you have lots of firm boundaries about what's acceptable and/or tolerable. That's a great jumping off point; having faith in your own beliefs and feelings. It is hard to reconcile what seem to be lucid moments from a pwBPD and their rages. Giving yourself and your daughter the gift of therapy and healing is huge. Having proximity to pwBPD is like witnessing a train wreck waiting to happen as you're bound to the tracks.