Contacting ex of UxBPDgf or not ?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I was just wondering if you have contacted exes of your xBPD-partner ?

Why did you do that and did you have any satisfaction of doing that ?

I already had contact with the exhusband of my UxBPDgf, and had a very interesting answer of him. Saying he tried to be the perfect husband for the whole marriage, but that it was never good enough... .And that he wants a relationship based on mutual trust... .Hmmm, rings some bells... .

Now I found another exbf of my UxBPDgf, and I'm now thinking of sending him a mail with some questions about their relationship.

Good idea or not ?

Why do I feel the urge of contacting them ?

[Hutsepotmetworst]

I was just wondering if you have contacted exes of your xBPD-partner ?

Why did you do that and did you have any satisfaction of doing that ?

I already had contact with the exhusband of my UxBPDgf, and had a very interesting answer of him. Saying he tried to be the perfect husband for the whole marriage, but that it was never good enough... .And that he wants a relationship based on mutual trust... .Hmmm, rings some bells... .

Now I found another exbf of my UxBPDgf, and I'm now thinking of sending him a mail with some questions about their relationship.

Good idea or not ?

Why do I feel the urge of contacting them ?

[zsazsa]

Hi,  I can so relate to your feeling like you want to contact the x's.

I felt the same way,  I think for me I wanted validation that I wasn't crazy, that she went through the exact same thing that I did.

I never did , but I am now sure that she experienced exactly what I did.

my uBPD x has not relationship with her, his daughter, or his sisters,  I finally realize that they too got completely burnt out.

I think the major reason I didn't ever contact her is because I felt he would find out and the hell I would pay for that betrayal wasn't worth the effort.

I am not saying don't do it,  just sharing my experience with this particular issue.

Take good care!

[strikeforce]

I don't personally think its a good idea.

A good indicator of how their relationship went is how yours went.

You feel the urge due to the lack of closure. Have you felt this way with other exs?

[Jbt857]

Hi,

I know there was another thread on this board that was very similar not too long ago, but I can't seem to find it. Maybe someone else knows.

I think the general consensus was that it's not a good idea, as it doesn't actually help you and perpetrates your attachment.

Hope this helps!

[Juno]

I want to contact my exBPD's husband so bad. I find myself tempted by this everyday. Its a tug-a-war at my conscious. My ex was married when she had an affair with me. It was very dysfunctional during the entire length of the relationship. I ended it 26 years ago, but she would still send me letters for the next ten years. The last letter I received from her was from 1996. Then last November she sends me a private fb msg telling me she gave birth to my son and he's in his first year of medical school. Yet, she's still married to her husband after all these years? I have been completely lost for the last year and don't know what is the truth. Part of me wants to contact her husband. Then the other side of this is she might be lying in hopes of trying to bring me back into her world. If that's the case, and the husband has no clue she's doing this, it will most likely result in a divorce. I completely lost and it just eats at me everyday.

[Learning_curve74]

I think it's natural to want to contact the BPDex's exes. We like the confirmation that they are "crazy" and it's not just us. For sure, most of us played a role in the unhealthy relationship whether it was not having boundaries, being enmeshed, focusing on fantasy versus reality, etcetera. But some of us get so twisted up that hearing what we already probably know from another person is sometimes helpful in our detachment and healing.

I met some of the exes and flings. I am friends with one on social media. I never bring her up because I know he suffered much longer than any of the other exes, and she actually admitted a lot of the crap she pulled on him to me, I can fill in the blanks, so I don't need to know the rest of the specifics. Nobody is perfect, but I believe the guy has a good heart and got it stomped on terribly. But he survived, and so will you/me/us.

Part of me wants to contact her husband. Then the other side of this is she might be lying in hopes of trying to bring me back into her world. If that's the case, and the husband has no clue she's doing this, it will most likely result in a divorce. I completely lost and it just eats at me everyday.

It sounds like BPD drama at it's worst, Juno. What do you have to gain by contacting her husband? If they've been married 30+ years, don't you think he knows his wife by now? Not necessarily all the specifics but enough to understand she has serious problems. Especially since it's been 26 years since you and her got together, she has probably given him decades of evidence of her mental illness.

Also what do you have to gain in regards to her son? He is a stranger regardless of whether your biological son or not. Why not cross that bridge only when you have to? Like when somebody needs a relative to donate a kidney or bone narrow type situation. I know it's eating you up inside, but isn't the reality that nothing in your life is truly different than before she told you this? (Whether it's true or not)

Hang in there. 

[Waifed]

I have to admit that it is very tempting I did in the past think more than once of doing it.  But, is there really a reason to contact the ex?  You know how you were treated by her and that is enough validation. I think we all go through a period of hoping that everything will work out and the ex will come back and things will magically get better.  It took me 3 months to come to the realization that I don't want her back in any for or fashion.  I am not going to lie, I do still think about her but in more of a "the things you did disgust me" sort of way.  I think it is human nature to want to hear the same things from their exes.  You have to be careful though.  You never know if these people are once again in contact with them.  You don't want to give your ex the satisfaction of knowing that you give her one minutes time out of your day. 

[Ironmanrises]

I have to admit that it is very tempting I did in the past think more than once of doing it.  But, is there really a reason to contact the ex?  You know how you were treated by her and that is enough validation. I think we all go through a period of hoping that everything will work out and the ex will come back and things will magically get better.  It took me 3 months to come to the realization that I don't want her back in any for or fashion.  I am not going to lie, I do still think about her but in more of a "the things you did disgust me" sort of way.  I think it is human nature to want to hear the same things from their exes.  You have to be careful though.  You never know if these people are once again in contact with them.  You don't want to give your ex the satisfaction of knowing that you give her one minutes time out of your day. 

I agree with Waifed. That unknown variable was enough for me to not contact the ex she had before me. The guy actually works on the walking path I take from my train station to work(about 25 block walk). Many times I have thought to contact him. But the risk of it getting back to her, is the con that outweighs the pro of knowing if she did to him what she did to him.

[Juno]

I think it's natural to want to contact the BPDex's exes. We like the confirmation that they are "crazy" and it's not just us. For sure, most of us played a role in the unhealthy relationship whether it was not having boundaries, being enmeshed, focusing on fantasy versus reality, etcetera. But some of us get so twisted up that hearing what we already probably know from another person is sometimes helpful in our detachment and healing.

I met some of the exes and flings. I am friends with one on social media. I never bring her up because I know he suffered much longer than any of the other exes, and she actually admitted a lot of the crap she pulled on him to me, I can fill in the blanks, so I don't need to know the rest of the specifics. Nobody is perfect, but I believe the guy has a good heart and got it stomped on terribly. But he survived, and so will you/me/us.

Part of me wants to contact her husband. Then the other side of this is she might be lying in hopes of trying to bring me back into her world. If that's the case, and the husband has no clue she's doing this, it will most likely result in a divorce. I completely lost and it just eats at me everyday.

It sounds like BPD drama at it's worst, Juno. What do you have to gain by contacting her husband? If they've been married 30+ years, don't you think he knows his wife by now? Not necessarily all the specifics but enough to understand she has serious problems. Especially since it's been 26 years since you and her got together, she has probably given him decades of evidence of her mental illness.

Also what do you have to gain in regards to her son? He is a stranger regardless of whether your biological son or not. Why not cross that bridge only when you have to? Like when somebody needs a relative to donate a kidney or bone narrow type situation. I know it's eating you up inside, but isn't the reality that nothing in your life is truly different than before she told you this? (Whether it's true or not)

Hang in there. 

You make a lot sense. I tried my best to put this chapter behind me. I spent a good part of my life fighting my conscious over my lack of moral values/boundaries. When she finally stopped contacting me the healing process began. The last 13 years I lived my life in peace. I'm not the same person I was back in 1988. Its like that old saying "let sleeping dogs lie." Its like ripping open an old wound and realizing its still infected. Another part is perhaps a power struggle she is imposing on me. She always knew what buttons to push and she's throwing everything at me. It disgusts me that she knows I'll never know unless I contact her. So what am I suppose to do? Am I supposed to live my life always wondering if I have a son? I keep asking why? It makes no sense unless I really do have a son and she wants me to know. Then the other side of the coin reveals its ugly head and she's so sick and wants to drive me crazy. I feel like that hamster on the wheel. I keep going round and round and getting no where.

[Changingman]

Provoke, provoke, provoke. It's just so shocking how they love to get us. Dissect us and poison our emotional lives. It's so life draining, my heart goes out to you, they corrupt us, degrade us, leave us empty of ourselves for a while. I would expect no good outcome engaging with her again. But I understand your concern about a potential son. Crazy making, chaos. Maybe best to chalk it up to experience and let it go.