Limbo continues ...

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Well, I am truly stuck in limbo - albeit by my own hand. I don't know how to summon up the time and energy/money needed to find alternative accommodation while I am also in training for my new job - and it is tough going at work, it's a brand new field for me and takes all of my mental energy during the day.

I wrote my ex a 'goodbye' email on Monday night after we spent the weekend hanging out ... I was really thrown by our time together - he sent me mixed signals all weekend, I know I was not imagining this; he did it for our entire relationship. He acted like we were still together, bar the sex ... it was confusing and rather humiliating, lying next to a naked man knowing that he doesn't desire you does nothing for a girl's self-esteem.

He keeps insisting that he is severely depressed, anxiety levels are up (more panic attacks) and that he has zero libido and is in fact currently impotent and yet ... .he is still in contact with the new woman (although he did not spend the past weekend with her).

After sending the very brief 'goodbye' email (it was very short, I told him that I too had lost my desire and I was exiting with some sadness and confusion but all we had left was polite conversation - and so it is). I didn't expect a response but, I did expect him to avoid me; at least in the short-term.

However, when I got home last night, we had an awkward initial encounter in the kitchen where we both mumbled hello ... and I figured that was going to continue - and I was relieved. However, I cooked some pasta for dinner and he came in while I was serving it. I had made far too much and asked if he would like some. He jumped on my gesture and actually came and sat outside with me to eat ... chattering away. He  then told me he was off to finish his video game and I assumed he would be gone for the night but about 10 minutes later he returned, asking me to come into his room to watch a youtube clip he had been telling me about.

Well, you guessed it; we ended up lying down and watching stuff for a couple of hours again. He fell asleep and I made sure that I got myself off to my room and didn't fall asleep in his bed again.

I feel completely trapped. He is not a raging BPD, he is more of a WAIF type (although he has been very nasty a few times). He is being so reasonable that it seems completely unreasonable to not talk to him or even go and watch his videos ... I have to actively stick to my room in order to avoid and, that is no way to live.

I took the day off work yesterday because I was so messed up from everything ... I allowed myself to peek behind those psychological doors that I am ashamed of - to really look at what my agenda/hopes are ... there is still a part of me that is in disbelief. It has only been 3.5 weeks since our split so perhaps this is normal ... part of me also still wants him in my life - but, the contact isn't wonderful for me, it just keeps reinforcing that he no longer wants me in a romantic sense ("I still care about you, just in a different way".

Getting a new place means finding a lump sum of money, which means I cannot fly my dog over ... it also means traipsing around this huge city, after a full day of work or, using my weekend ... I don't know the areas so it is a big job just to look through share ads ... and I have no energy to face any of it ... I want my dog, and I am able to bring her to the house that he and I are sharing with 3 others ... in many ways it is perfect ... except he is there. Also, after my training at work, I go to casual/piece-rate and I do not know how much work/money will be available ... everything is so uncertain.

I have been trying to find a therapist close to work so that I can get some help ... I need it ... I can get 10 sessions that are subsidised but I need to get to a GP to get a referral and even finding a GP and making an appt is proving to be a mountain ...

I'm completely stuck and in limbo ... I feel like the ex is playing games with me but he seems so guileless and I wonder if I am projecting more than there is ... as usual, in our interactions, I feel confused, unstable and have no idea what is going on, I keep thinking it is me, and then I kick myself and remind myself that I am not crazy!

[damage control]

Well, I am truly stuck in limbo - albeit by my own hand. I don't know how to summon up the time and energy/money needed to find alternative accommodation while I am also in training for my new job - and it is tough going at work, it's a brand new field for me and takes all of my mental energy during the day.

I wrote my ex a 'goodbye' email on Monday night after we spent the weekend hanging out ... I was really thrown by our time together - he sent me mixed signals all weekend, I know I was not imagining this; he did it for our entire relationship. He acted like we were still together, bar the sex ... it was confusing and rather humiliating, lying next to a naked man knowing that he doesn't desire you does nothing for a girl's self-esteem.

He keeps insisting that he is severely depressed, anxiety levels are up (more panic attacks) and that he has zero libido and is in fact currently impotent and yet ... .he is still in contact with the new woman (although he did not spend the past weekend with her).

After sending the very brief 'goodbye' email (it was very short, I told him that I too had lost my desire and I was exiting with some sadness and confusion but all we had left was polite conversation - and so it is). I didn't expect a response but, I did expect him to avoid me; at least in the short-term.

However, when I got home last night, we had an awkward initial encounter in the kitchen where we both mumbled hello ... and I figured that was going to continue - and I was relieved. However, I cooked some pasta for dinner and he came in while I was serving it. I had made far too much and asked if he would like some. He jumped on my gesture and actually came and sat outside with me to eat ... chattering away. He  then told me he was off to finish his video game and I assumed he would be gone for the night but about 10 minutes later he returned, asking me to come into his room to watch a youtube clip he had been telling me about.

Well, you guessed it; we ended up lying down and watching stuff for a couple of hours again. He fell asleep and I made sure that I got myself off to my room and didn't fall asleep in his bed again.

I feel completely trapped. He is not a raging BPD, he is more of a WAIF type (although he has been very nasty a few times). He is being so reasonable that it seems completely unreasonable to not talk to him or even go and watch his videos ... I have to actively stick to my room in order to avoid and, that is no way to live.

I took the day off work yesterday because I was so messed up from everything ... I allowed myself to peek behind those psychological doors that I am ashamed of - to really look at what my agenda/hopes are ... there is still a part of me that is in disbelief. It has only been 3.5 weeks since our split so perhaps this is normal ... part of me also still wants him in my life - but, the contact isn't wonderful for me, it just keeps reinforcing that he no longer wants me in a romantic sense ("I still care about you, just in a different way".

Getting a new place means finding a lump sum of money, which means I cannot fly my dog over ... it also means traipsing around this huge city, after a full day of work or, using my weekend ... I don't know the areas so it is a big job just to look through share ads ... and I have no energy to face any of it ... I want my dog, and I am able to bring her to the house that he and I are sharing with 3 others ... in many ways it is perfect ... except he is there. Also, after my training at work, I go to casual/piece-rate and I do not know how much work/money will be available ... everything is so uncertain.

I have been trying to find a therapist close to work so that I can get some help ... I need it ... I can get 10 sessions that are subsidised but I need to get to a GP to get a referral and even finding a GP and making an appt is proving to be a mountain ...

I'm completely stuck and in limbo ... I feel like the ex is playing games with me but he seems so guileless and I wonder if I am projecting more than there is ... as usual, in our interactions, I feel confused, unstable and have no idea what is going on, I keep thinking it is me, and then I kick myself and remind myself that I am not crazy!

[damage control]

Between writing this and walking to work it occurred to me that he just may be withholding sex/killing his desire to keep me at bay - the relationship we now have is identical to what we have always had, including sharing a bed if I let myself, except for the sex.

If he has sex/cam sex (whatever) with women (or a woman) he barely knows, he can keep feelings of engulfment at bay ... with me ... we have crossed a line and fear of what that means ... well, I have already experienced that fallout first-hand ...

I don't know if this revelation changes anything ...

[DownandOut]

I'm sorry to hear that you're in that situation DC, I hope everything works out for you sooner rather than later. I understand the struggle you're going through with your ex regarding the mixed signals. Mixed signals is a staple of BPD behavior and a source of our pain and confusion as "nons." The best advice I could give you right now is to try your best to maintain a level head when it comes to your interactions with him. One day he may act like the sweetest guy in the world, and the next he may act evil to you. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate and trying to figure out how he feels is pointless. These are people who do not even understand their own feelings and therefore it is impossible for you to understand them for him. There is something about us that will always attract them, but once we reach a certain point it's like a hitting a brick wall. You will not be allowed to move past that wall. Worry about yourself and try your best to view him with indifference. I know it's difficult, believe me I know, but it's the only way to keep your sanity. Your life is more important and you need to focus on that. Good luck.

[Lady31]

To cut right to the point.

This guy is not a good man, nor does he treat you well.  He had NO PROBLEM letting you make major life decisions and get into a bind while having NO CONCERN for your feelings.  Nor did he have any respect for you as he was with another woman in no time - right in front of your face. 

Why is this okay with you?  You are showing him your value by allowing him to treat you that way - and now have access to you the way he does.  YOU are telling him your value.  YOU determine your value.  When all this really crashes and burns you will be upset with YOURSELF the most about this behavior after the fact.  You will feel like a fool that was used and abused.  I am saying this because I have been there. 

Remember - at this point - he's not abusing you and treating you like dirt.  YOU are doing it to yourself.

You can leave if you really want to.  I say get out of there.  Stay away from him completely, make a plan, and carry it out.  When you really want something, you can find a way to do it.  Even if it isn't the IDEAL situation, even if you have to leave that area and stay with friends with next to nothing until you get on your feet again - it's better than making the decision to stay.  And you are making the decision by staying there.

If you think he wasn't sleeping with the other woman - I don't know what to tell you.

You are poisoning yourself - get out!   I did it too, too long - and it cost A LOT.  You are in limbo because you haven't decided to leave limbo yet.  Save yourself, you are worth it!

[winston72]

DamageControl!  Red Alert!  Do some damage control!  It sounds awful.  I completely concur with Lady31... .it seems destructive to you on every level.  He does not seem to take any adult responsibility for his role in bringing you to this place in your life.  It is time for you to see if for what it is really is and start finding a better partner and situation. 

[Perfidy]

Hey DC... From what you posted here sounds like you are really going through some crap and I hope it gets better for you. Can't change him but you can change yourself. Huge amount of strength staying like that. Not strong because we want to be. Strong because we have to be. Take all of that strength you have been using to stay and use it to find a way out. Put all of your awsomeness into making your life what you want instead of being where you don't want. Sounds simple enough because it is. You aren't crazy. You have a great mind. The problems you describe are only problems if you let them be. For every problem there is a solution. Rarely what we want but always what we need. Family here. Good wishes for you.

[Clearmind]

Limbo does not need to continue if you don't want it to.

Are you happy?

Does he provide you with what you need?

Do you feel safe?

Do you feel good when you are with him?

Do you second guess yourself when with him?

Does he accuse and blame you?

Do you feel like you are walking on eggshells?

Do you feel protected?

Do you trust him?

Do you blame yourself for his behaviour?

Are you rescuing a man who doesn't need saving?

How much do you respect him?

Why is it that you don't respect yourself enough to not take the abuse?

What are you avoiding to deal with by continung to be with him?

What part of your childhood has lead you to beleive that you need to persist with a person who shows you little or no respect, trust or security?

_____hit

What fantasy about this man are you holding onto? That he will love you enough to change? That you can help him enough to want to change?

My friend, change your perception of who this man is! You cannot turn him into a person you need to fulfill your own void.

[damage control]

@DownandOut:

Thanks for you thoughts and support - much appreciated.

@Lady31:

Ouch! You are right. You are more than right. I keep feeling that being rude, ignoring or in any way being unpleasant to him is just … well, rude of me. But he did do everything you have said ... and more.

You ask why this is OK with me ... and I have to say that I have told myself that it isn’t his fault that his feelings for me changed … that he has every right to feel what he feels. That is where I am tripping up.

As for leaving to stay with friends – I have nobody here, I have only been in this city for about 5 weeks now and I am struggling just to navigate my new job every day. It’s not only that, it is money as well ... I would need to use all my income for moving and after my 3 weeks training (which ends next week) I go to casual hours rather than FT and until I have done it for a short time, I don’t know what my pay packet will be looking like. I know this sounds like excuses but honestly, I am somewhat stuck, albeit only in the short term.

As for him sleeping with the new woman ... he definitely did, or tried to (I assume that the last time he was there was then impotency issues came up).

Thanks for your tough love ... I need it.

@Winston72:

He takes no responsibility whatsoever ... this is the whole point/issue and reason for his engulfment issues: he WANTS no responsibility ... he is keeping the new woman somewhat at bay I think and getting the emotional -'friendship' from me and he is beholden to neither of us due to how he has set it up ... I do need better. Thanks

@Perdify:

Thankyou for your positive and supportive words  What we need ... oh indeed.

@Clearmind:

No, to feeling good, happy, protected, safe, having trust etc. And yes to second guessing myself.

I don’t feel like I am walking on eggshells and no, he doesn’t blame and accuse – he doesn’t do that, it is not part of our dynamic at all.

I have lost vast amounts of respect for him since finding out about his internet habits and need for validation from strangers CONSTANTLY.

As for respecting myself ... I don’t know. I don’t even see a link between what he is doing and my self-respect. To me, it seems like he is trying to be reasonable and civilised and by refusing his gestures, I am being unreasonable... That’s how it seems to me.

What am I avoiding by staying? That is a very good question, it threw me when I read it. I am avoiding losing him completely... I have lost him obviously but I haven’t really processed that loss effectively... I am terrified that I will simply fall apart ... I’m not sure what I mean by that, it was simply what came out when I typed. Scary. I am definitely holding onto a fantasy that he will change or realise that he made a mistake – however, I do recognise this as a fantasy, I really do.

My childhood? I am well aware of why I cling to people irrespective of their behaviour. I didn’t just have an absent parent, I had nobody. I raised myself and was abandoned by everyone – my parents died when I was very young (dad was absent from divorce anyhow) and older brothers and sister we all gone by the time I was only 7/8. I have also lost my only childhood friend (she married my long-term EX of 15 years and then promptly refused to speak to me again due to insecurity. I have literally lost every single person who ever meant anything. I don’t let people get close easily ... I went 7 years without any romantic involvement or attachment ... until him. He pursued me and seduced me and made me feel like he really saw who I was. He also knew that my only issue is abandonment ... I am resilient and strong except for my fear of abandonment... and he abandoned me more ruthlessly than even my background has seen before.

I do need to change my perception ... I don’t know HOW to stop idealising/wanting him. I can look at him objectively (he is nothing special really) but I don’t know how to use that toward detaching?

Thankyou for your post ...

[goldylamont]

He pursued me and seduced me and made me feel like he really saw who I was. He also knew that my only issue is abandonment ... I am resilient and strong except for my fear of abandonment... and he abandoned me more ruthlessly than even my background has seen before.

I do need to change my perception ... I don’t know HOW to stop idealising/wanting him. I can look at him objectively (he is nothing special really) but I don’t know how to use that toward detaching?

well, just know that you *will* stop idealising him and wanting him, this is completely out of your control. i say just try your best to see the game for what it is and conduct yourself as best you can. i used to (actually still do) imagine my future without this person, happy with my life, and I imagine looking back at the situation I'm currently in and thinking what would the me-in-10-years want me-right-now to do? this could work for you, this helped me a lot to make decisions on what to do (regardless of how it felt at the time  ).

you're in an incredibly difficult situation. i want to give you the ol' pat on the back damage_control for not freaking the hell out (yet?  ) and holding things together thus far. you *do* deserve credit for this. wanna bet he's done this stupid dumb dance with countless other women? and i bet a lot of them reacted with much less tact. one thing i took away about my breakup--i'm an ex, but i'm proud and thankful for how i handled myself (not perfect, but pretty darn good) << try to do stuff that will make your future self feel good like this

Re: "I don’t know HOW to stop idealising/wanting him." -- The sentences before this is a start to your answer. Knock this fool off his pedestal; and don't be so hard on yourself for putting him there, but get his ass off! He's not worthy. This is true about who he is:

**He knew that your only issue was abandonment. Knew that the most painful thing to do would be abandon you.

**Knowing his, he abandoned you more ruthlessly than you've experienced before.

**Now that he has manipulated the situation so that he's comfortably sexually and emotionally satisfied with another woman, he doesn't care about you at all. In fact he doesn't really care about the other woman in my opinion--wonder if she knows about him lying next to you naked and spending weekends with you? or, is he just lying to her and you... .hmm.


My experience living for a couple months with my ex post-breakup was that things didn't stop once she found a new person to latch onto. Like your ex, she was soo friendly! She was beaming and smiling when she giggled and insinuated in every way she could how great her new sex life and love life were going. She was soo, happy to share this with me :-) So, be careful, OK, to me it sounds like he's drawing you in to see if he can do more abuse before it's all over. Think about the crazy seduction he's playing out on this new woman, most likely devaluing you to her, while still toying with you. Yuck, these things will help you detach. Stay strong! Give yourself a hug. Here's a hug, damn 

[damage control]

GoldyLamont:

Thanks for the pat on the back and the hug – much needed! Thanks also for your thoughts.

I have no doubt/s that he has done this before – in fact, he discarded the woman before me for me – back then, I thought he was trapped in a bad situation, I didn’t realise that this was his MO.

I am happy with my behaviour insofar as I have not allowed him to see how hurt I am and I have not been snide or made comments about the new woman etc ... But, as others have pointed out, perhaps my lack of reaction/anger has given him permission to behave in the way he has been. His last relationship was much different as she was very outspoken and demanding as well as critical of him – she and he lasted longer than he and I did.

I REALLY want to get him off the pedestal I have him on ... I am working on it. Last night he again cooked dinner (and insisted I eat when I declined ... he does make it difficult). However, while he sat talking to me, I paid very close attention to how he looks, moves and what he talks about and asked myself if there really is anything particularly special about him . It sort-of worked ... I am beginning to see flaws/cracks ... but I have a little way to go.

I don’t think he cares about the new woman all that much but that is only because he has only known her for about 4 weeks … he has certainly transferred all romantic feeling to her ...

I don’t know if he is drawing me in for more abuse. I don’t know whether he is being legitimately friendly and ‘adult’ about things, hell, I don’t even know if I believe a word that comes out of his mouth anymore... he constantly exaggerates and aggrandises everything – even things that don’t matter ... this is also helping with the detachment.

I don’t think he is devaluing me (although I could be very wrong about that – I would be more inclined to think she knows nothing about me). As for whether she knew that he spent the weekend lying around in bed with me ... absolutely not: He sent her an email on Saturday night telling her that he had slept the whole day away and asking what she got up to. That was the entire email

I am a bit better today ... a tiny bit more detached, trying to work on keeping  the detachment going ... even step-by-step.

[damage control]

Last night, he told me something which is helping me to see him as he really is. In fact, I am beginning to wonder if he is actually very, very creepy and I have just never seen it. Others seem wary of him often and he has a habit of lurking around.

The thing he told me? That a couple of weeks before I arrived the couple that also share the house had some friends over (I knew about this, I remember him being quite dismissive of the event). But, what I didn’t know was that a few days later, the couple accused him of staring at the breasts of the young women who were there … he never told me this. If he had, I would probably have taken his side ... but he hid this from me and even last night, I think it slipped out because he was complaining about something else going on with the couple (theyt are very wary of them, he is convinced there is a conspiracy to get him evicted).

Could I have completely missed this aspect of his character? He IS odd, but what I had thought was quirky is quickly revealing itself to be pathology. His internet addiction is pathology, his need to control relationships and external influences – pathology.

It is so weird that whenever I let my mind drift there, I dismiss it as ridiculous because, if he is that bad, how on earth did I fall for him? What did/do I see in him?

Just rambling ... trying to knock him off that pedestal.

[goldylamont]

you are doing such good work! and yes starting to see the cracks in the facade. one thing i feel you are doing already and which i encourage you to keep doing is trusting yourself. trust your interpretations about everything, you cannot put any stock in his interpretation of things or how he is trying to act. how can i say this in a better way? um, both are true. he is a little quirky, maybe in a cute way. he is a lot weird, in a very creepy way. both are true, so no need to confuse yourself thinking you are off if one moment you see quirky and the next you see creepy--both are true. and i think you are trusting your own perception of things. the more you do this the more will be revealed to you.

your story is reminding me of times spent with ex during those hellish weeks we still lived together. she was brutal, i mean it felt just plain cruel at times. but i also remember tutoring her on some math homework she had (she was making up some units at a local community college at the time). i really enjoyed doing this for her, despite everything. i think she appreciated it too. just a moment here and there of light through the thick darkness of not being able to step away, you know? no flirting going on, i was too hurt and grossed out with her being with this other person, but just brief moments of humanity. dare i say empathy?

both are true, so just keep trusting yourself to figure things out moment to moment. don't open yourself up in the least. trust that this person will win, always, at being selfish. if something feels good, ok that's cool, just don't indulge or expect. but, really what i suggest is that if you *ever* feel bad, no matter what he's doing or how 'normal' he may be behaving, please listen to yourself. if he's smiling and being friendly but you simultaneously feel anxious and sick, listen to yourself. something isn't right. don't doubt yourself when you feel bad in his presence... .*trust* yourself. trusting myself allowed me to be more composed and cool when she started to reveal a lot of her true nastiness, often veiled behind a smile, or an 'innocent' comment, or a look so full of disgust it felt like a physical force cutting through me. all of it's true, both sides. and tuning into this your instincts will ground you if/when he decides to pull the rug from under your feet. you'll be ready.

[damage control]

@GoldyLamont:

Thanks again for your wisdom and support – you have no idea how dearly it is needed!

I am trying to look through the cracks that I had previously glossed over and to see him through the eyes of others, rather than through my own rose-coloured lens. Both aspects of him ARE true ... but I am starting to see that things I thought were quirky are more creepy when looked at from the outside.

For example, his emails/skype chats etc  ... were very sexualised and even though some of it was quite dark, I took this to be about him and me – that I bought that out in him ... what a fool. After seeing his emails to other women, I realise that these were and are only about him, he said the same things to others, called them by the same pet names and spoke the same fantasies ... it makes me a bit ill to think of it now ...

He is so focused upon his own illness/fears/anxiety etc that this is all he has room for ... he is so focused upon being him that it takes up his entire energies ... it is why he likes distance/virtual relationships – control of when, where and for how long he can put that aside.

The time with your ex sounds awful – hearing about how happy she was ... ouch! He doesn’t talk about the new woman, well, not about anything intimate … not sure I could deal with that but I can relate to your pleasure at helping her out. Staying attached in some way is easier than just letting go and falling I guess.

I found out last night that he is still perusing dating sites (from work) even with the new woman ... I figured as much. This is addiction pure and simple – he needs that validation constantly. For the first 6 months we were together, he didn’t do this … I didn’t realise it at the time, but after only 6 months he was back online desperately searching again. I could not live with that and I see now that he could never give it up … so, I understand that irrespective of what I want/ed, it could never be because this would be a constant point of contention for me.

I will keep looking at him with a more detached eye and I will trust my instincts (which I should have done from the beginning). With him, there are no real overt signs – it’s all in the devious acts and ongoing subterfuge … he thrives on that – secrets and lies are his life-blood. He needs to feel that he has things going on that he doesn’t share … it’s attached to his engulfment fears and need to have distance.

I avoided him last night – we have no internet connection at home for another 5 days as the line here has been damaged by digging – we have a temp mobile device set up outside as of last night but you need to come out here to use it as it is a weak signal. This has deprived him of his precious internet … he will either go to this woman’s house over the weekend or will need to come out here so that everyone can see how much time he spends online (and, no video as we don’t have the signal strength) … I am hoping that the weekend will open my eyes even further.

Another long post … apologies to all who are kind enough to still be reading. I have nowhere to vent, nobody here who knows me and I carry this around with me until I can come here and post. I think I am a little better, if he goes to the new woman’s house that will be telling to see how I feel/cope. Every time before has been like a knife to my heart. Humiliating.

[damage control]

It is Friday afternoon and I started the day with a pit in my stomach think that he would probably go and see the new woman tonight/over the weekend. It made sense as he didn't see her last weekend (no idea why not).

I have just come home and it seems my instincts were right - he is not here and he is usually home well before now. Last weekend he went to see his parents before coming home and so, was late. But, I can't see that being the case 2 weeks in a row.

You would think I would be used to it by now as not only has he spent 2 out the last 3 weekends with her (this is weekend number 4 since we split), but, the fact that has done this has hung in the air between us since it started - it is a physical, sickening presence. It makes a strong argument for getting away as although I would still probably speculate, at least I wouldn't KNOW/see it first-hand.

I know I need to become indifferent but it is still like re-opening the wound every time ... .my abandonment panic/fear lurches out every single time.

I have made an appointment for a GP tomorrow to get a psych referral  ... I am hoping I can get to see somebody soon as I think I am going to go nuts otherwise ...

[Lady31]

DC!

Did he ever come home?  Hang in there!

If I missed it I'm sorry - but why can't you move back to where you came from and stay with friends or family there and start over? (As opposed to staying in the area you are in now.)

Something to contemplate:  Even if you ride it out there a little longer and get things together to move out of that house, will you be able to truly break free from this toxic situation?  Especially since you have no support system there and he will most likely be reaching out to you and you will still be in the area.  Is this something you really think is going to work for you to totally break things off and move on with your life?

If you answer that question honestly - and it appears to be risky or that you cannot break this off completely - do you not think it would be better to go back where you came from?

[damage control]

Lady31 ... no, he hasn't come home... he is definitely at her house.

I am majorly overreacting here and I don't know why. I actually almost called his ex because I know that she is still reeling from what he did to her and I had to summon every bit of strength not to do it.

If I go back across the country, I have to give up my new job ... it's not just a job, it's a career shift - I have always taught and it has taken me over 14 months to make a lateral move. If I stay, there is the opportunity to work from home, but this is at a later date - at east 3 months away, probably more like 4. I am staying purely for the work - I wouldn't be here otherwise.

I feel like a butterfly that has had its wings torn off ... .I am not sure why it is affecting me this badly - but, worse, it has made me realise how happy (relieved?) I was when he didn't go there last weekend ... I am so pathetic.

[goldylamont]

DC, this thought just came to mind. i know you're in a new place and not sure how long you've been there, but do you have any friends, coworkers, acquaintances to hang out with in you house? i would try and surround yourself with other people and even better if you could get them to come to your home to hang out with you. if he's not around then you can purify the place with some new and better energy. and if he is around this will give you a nice buffer. and not sure what your relationship with your roomates--maybe just having a weekend BBQ or something with them can help. i guess what i'm saying is that since you may not be able to control where you're living in the meantime maybe it can help to try and make it feel as homely as possible (considering the circumstances). when my ex (finally!) moved out, she tells me a couple days before that her new bf of 1 month is coming to help her move out (of my place, i still live here, glad i kept the apt!). and she had the audacity to tell me that i shouldn't be here at the time "b/c you just want to start a fight with him". in reality i had nothing against him, i knew he was being used. in any case i called some friends up and asked them to come over just to have them around and this i feel was the best thing for me. i didn't feel comfortable at all leaving her and her bf alone in my home going through all my stuff while i wasn't there. and having my friends there with me gave me the support i needed. plus i saw her new bf and so glad i did see him (this is a whole other story). all of this is to say i know you can't just pull a rabbit out of a hat. but since you can't just up and move out right now, maybe spruce up and invite some coworkers over for a drink or something? just throwing it out there as an idea.

oh, and yes i would hold onto that job. whatever is going to happen b/c of the r/s will just have to happen, you know. but in the end when this is all over you will be thanking yourself so much for having the bravery and fortitude to change career paths--this is a feat in itself. if you can weather this out i think the job could turn out to be the greatest gift after all the dust settles.

[damage control]

Hi again GoldyAlmont.

Thanks (again) for your thoughts and taking the time to respond.

I have only been in this city for 5 weeks - and working for 2.5 of those. Although I make friends quickly and easily, and have people at work who are friendly, we are not at the stage of hanging out together (also, the others in my department are much younger than me so, although we can have fun at work, I don't think it would translate out of that environment).

The other 3 people that live in the house beside myself and the ex are a young (again) couple and a young, single guy. I do spend some time with them and am happy to do so although, again, their company is somewhat stilted because they know (some of) what went on with the ex and me.

Funny thing however, they really do not like the ex very much and seemed completely flabbergasted that the ex and I were involved in any way - they seem to think he is creepy (especially the girl) and he and them are in a cold war whereby the ex is convinced that they are trying to evict him. In fact, the ex told me that they had given him 30 days notice and asked him to leave (this was a few weeks ago) but when I asked the couple what was going on, they had no idea what I was talking about and told me that they had asked him not to smoke in the toilet (which was fair enough) in the mornings when he wakes up. Yet another instance of his cognitive distortion and, they are a good reminder of the fact that the ex isn't normal and doesn't see the world, or understand it in the way regular, 'nons' do.