I am the scapegoat

[caughtnreleased]

So I finally think I see the role I've been in with my family: the scapegoat. (UBpd mom, and perhaps UBPD sister although this latest I'm not yet sure she could just be codependent but lately after the birth of her two children I find her to be acting more disordered than before). Luckily it was only my sister and mother who heaped on the abuse, while my father passively tried to support me and once or twice stuck up for me but mostly played peace maker.  Gathered with my family at this time, and recovering from npd and BPD relationships I observed today that yes, they operate in a team as bullies against me.  I came home tonight and as I thought about what I went through I became really angry. Again at how they twist the truth about me to make ME seem like I'm the crazy, ugly failure. They are awful people. I am so, so angry. Does anyone have insight into how to recover from having been the scapegoat? Any valuable books you think would help? How do I handle being in front of two bullies. If I challenge the one who tells me there's something fundamentally wrong  with me she turns to the other who validates her. It's disgusting.  please help.

[caughtnreleased]

Thanks contra dancer. It is such a tough situation.  A lightbulb just went off inside me and realizing I am the scapegoat for her disorder makes me so angry! Soo angry. I was always the one who stood up and called her out for her craziness... .The only one really.  And that ended up painting a giant target on my forehead for her rages, and manipulation. I was a "bhit" (her words) at age 12 for standing up for myself.  She still tries so hard to make me think there is something really wrong with me.  The issue of my needing to get therapy frequently came up in her rages. I now realize that a normal parent, if they see their child struggling actually gets them help rather than screaming at them and shaming them without actually getting them any help. I am not at a point where I am willing to go nc. I would love some advice on what we can do to protect ourselves from a situation where we are the scapegoat. Thank you.

[P.F.Change]

  Hi, caughtnreleased,

I think it is pretty normal to feel angry when we have been mistreated. You are coming to terms with some of the abuse you have endured, and I think anger is a natural response to that. Nothing about what you have been through is fair; every child deserves to be loved and supported by his parents. You did not deserve to be bullied.

There is probably a reason why you were selected to be the family scapegoat, but it has nothing to do with you--it is not your fault this happened to you. Reality is, people who suffer from BPD rely on certain psychological defense mechanisms such as splitting and projection. They need somewhere to put all their negativity, someone to blame, otherwise they will be forced to face these parts of themselves. So, they project onto someone else. If this is happening to you, it is part of your mother's illness and has nothing to do with who you are. You are not "bad" and don't deserve this treatment. However, your mother may always need to believe that you are--this is part of her illness--and as painful as that is, you do not have the power to change her thinking. Or your sister's.

So, what can you do about it? That is a good question. I have not been the family scapegoat, but still have faced some of the same issues you are dealing with. I found therapy very helpful for learning to undo the twisted thinking my mother taught me. I also got a lot out of reading the lessons here, and really working on my boundaries. I use validation techniques to affirm that I choose what to believe about myself--I can know the truth about me whether or not my mother ever does. There are dozens of LESSONS here on the board that you might find beneficial; I will include just a few links that really helped me at the bottom of this post. Have you done any work on boundaries before? Are you currently getting support from a therapist?

We all want to feel a sense of belonging, especially in our family unit. There will be some grief work to do, as your family is not likely to be able to provide this need for you. It does not mean you do not deserve to be loved and accepted, but only that you may need to look elsewhere to find those things.

Wishing you peace,

PF

COMMUNICATION:How to stop circular arguments

TOOLS:Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)

PERSPECTIVES:Conflict dynamics/Karpman triangle

[caughtnreleased]

Pf, thank you so much for your response. Yes I am in therapy, and my therapist was the one who pointed it out to me I was the scapegoat but I never really saw it until yesterday as I observed my sister and mother ganging up on me, twisting the past to make me out like a very disturbed bad child.  I have been experiencing sadness and mourning my relationship with my mother but this week I am again in the throes of old family dynamics as it is holiday season. I have only recently started to enforce my boundaries and it is provoking more outbursts. It is putting my father in the middle of it who is trying to be the peacemaker. The hurt that I see him go through is what is most difficult for me as He and I, alternating as scapegoats have always been close. Today the situation again escalated. I was invited for dinner and arrived early and it was just my mother and I. She starts by giving me an order to which I responded I was in the middle of something ( writing an email). Then she started on how I better not mess up her computer again(which I was using to write an email).  That's when I lost it, and told her that if she couldn't be nice I was going to leave. She told me that I was drawing a line on her and that I was on my way to cutting ties off with her to which I responded that she drew a line on me a long time ago and I was trying to fix it and I wasn't going to take her abuse, that she and my sister were bullies, and I cited an example where they are now picking on another family member together, and I left. All of this was said with a lot of anger and a few expletives, mostly on my part. My mother , when she understood that I was leaving started to look fearful, like a list child. I then got a message from my father asking if I could please return as dinner would not be the same. I haven't yet responded. I feel as though he is the one suffering most from this situation and I don't know what to do.  Should I meet him separately and explain to him what I am doing? How do I make him understand that I am protecting myself despite loving them? It's like he wants me to continue playing the game so that they can believe that all is well.  But I won't put up with it anymore.

[caughtnreleased]

P.s. The additional thing that makes me really angry is I feel like I'm treated like a leper by my mother in her house: the house will be a total mess (my sister has two young kids) but my mother will single out one item that belongs to me  and tell me to clean it up. When I started using her computer she started yelling at me not to log out of her account so I can use my account (she's too disorganized to keep track of her own passwords). I am made to feel like a leper. How am I supposed to deal with this?  This is all so difficult. I feel lost and totally alone.

[musicfan42]

caughtnreleased-I was scapegoated for standing up to my father, called a "bhit" too. I can relate to a lot of what you've said!

My father would try to push my buttons and make me look the crazy one basically. I think it's called "gaslighting". Well... I overcame this whole issue by learning how to stay calm no matter how hard he tried to provoke me. Once he realized that I wasn't reacting, he stopped that. I think that I was just selected as a scapegoat because I'm naturally fiery... my father liked fighting and none of the other family members would fight with him. He wasn't comfortable with peace and quiet in the house... he just wanted chaos.

The rest of my family members also realized that I had calmed down and also stopped pushing my buttons... It really changed the family dynamic for the better. I just wasn't willing to play that role anymore.

I had to learn to deal with all the anger I felt... I realized that there were all these emotions underneath it too like sadness.

All this work took a few years of therapy... there's no quick fixes unfortunately however progress is definitely possible provided that you work at it!

Good luck- hope it all works out for you... I can certainly sympathize and empathize with your situation...

[caughtnreleased]

Thanks musicfan. It really is such a difficult situation to be in: ostracized in your own family, the crazy one, the one who is responsible if anything goes badly.  I have managed to control my reactions with my mother it's just I think the full on realization that I am indeed the scapegoat hit me in the past couple of days and while I tried hard to hold it in I finally couldnt stand being treated like that anymore and I snapped.

[musicfan42]

Yeah... it is a very tough situation to be in. I think it's great that you're seeking therapy and that you're posting here. You have a lot of self-awareness. You can describe your thoughts and emotions so well! Truthfully, I was relieved to see your thread here as I thought "I'm not the only one! I can really relate to all of this!" so you're helping other people including myself by posting here too

I really needed emotional validation- someone to listen to me, to hear what I had to say, to understand where I was coming from. I'd try to talk to other family members about it however they tended to emotionally invalidate me and then I'd feel even worse! They'd basically say "Oh why did you provoke your father?" as if it was my fault. That's why I found going to therapy so helpful. I was able to talk to a third party who was non-judgmental, didn't criticize me, empathetic. I found it so healing.

I also found it helpful to try out hatha yoga, running and the gym. I had a lot of overwhelming emotions- a lot of frustration understandably enough- and the yoga was very soothing while the running/gym was great to just get all that pent up energy out of my system. Even small acts of self-soothing like having a bath, making myself a cup of tea, putting on a face-mask etc were great... just little things to comfort myself after a stressful day. I also found mindfulness great... I was so numb and things with a mind-body connection like yoga, mindfulness helped me tap into my emotions again.

Another thing that helped me was having supportive friends that I could talk to about things... .basically having a supportive network of people outside my family of origin (FOO).

[P.F.Change]

It sounds like you are doing some good things to look after yourself. I am glad to hear you still have the support of a therapist.  

She told me that I was drawing a line on her and that I was on my way to cutting ties off with her to which I responded that she drew a line on me a long time ago and I was trying to fix it and I wasn't going to take her abuse, that she and my sister were bullies, and I cited an example where they are now picking on another family member together, and I left. All of this was said with a lot of anger and a few expletives, mostly on my part.

Boy, I can remember lots of arguments like this between my mother and I. Emotions ran high on both sides; she would pick a fight, and I would give her the dramatic reaction she was after. When I finally decided to stop doing this dance, things on my end improved a great deal. I strongly recommend the validation techniques for communication that I linked to above (particularly SET). Also, I try to monitor my own mood so that I can take extra care of myself; if I notice my temper starting to rise, I can take a break from a situation to calm down.

I can remember being where you are now--wanting my mother to understand me and my feelings, wanting her to "get" how her behaviors had negatively impacted me and our relationship. You say you also want your father to understand your perspective. It is normal to want to be understood, and it definitely feels frustrating when we can't seem to get our point across. Because of this disorder, though, it is possible that your mother and father may not be capable of understanding you or accepting your boundaries, even if you communicate perfectly. What can be done about that?

[caughtnreleased]

Hi Musicfan and P.f.

Thank you both for your messages.  Being understood at times likes these is so important.  Both your messages came at a very low point for me, which helped keep my head above water and understand that yes there is patience and sympathy in the world and that I am not the crazy one. So thank you!  I do regret having snapped at my mother. I just don't know how to stop being treated like I have a horribly contagious disease, or getting barked orders at without escalating the situation.  Now that I am in a calm safe place, I will start looking at the tools. Thank you for linking to them P.F.  As both of you mentionned, I also see the immense value in having friends and other "sane" perspectives that are not part of the family unit, and for the first time in my life, I have started leaning on support of friends, and it has certainly helped.

I believe I am making progress, but again, I am worried about my father.  After the confrontation with my mother, I went for lunch with him as he did not want me leaving town (I live in another town) on the bad terms. I think he is afraid of losing me since I have officially taken the step of not staying in the family home when I come to visit.  I took the opportunity to explain to him what I was doing.  I described the scapegoating that has been going on for years, how it is extremely hurtful to me, and how I will no longer play this role and that I am protecting myself, and that if things become unacceptable I will leave.  I also told him that yes it was going to shuffle things up.  He did acknowledge most of what I said, which is extremely validating, and he acknowledged that my mother is very difficult, and that she is unlikely to change and I believe that as a result of this he is afraid of losing me, as he did say she is incapable of admitting any wrong.  He also acknowledged that my sister can also be difficult, and acknowledged that they work in a team to pick on others.  I tried to reassure him, that I am simply protecting myself, and establishing boundaries, and that he will not be able to fix all the conflicts started by my mother.  Despite himself, he still thinks that if only he had acted differently, things would be different and there would not be this conflict in the family.  I tried to tell him that he cannot be there all the time, cleaning up after her or preventing confrontations.  BPD has not been mentioned openly in the family, but after 40+ years of marriage to my mom, I think my father does see that there is something wrong but he doesn't know what.

Now here is the thing: I am afraid of the impact that my changing behavior will have on the rest of the family dynamic.   I can see the fragility of my father, who has, through all these years, persevered through so much abuse and mostly dealt with it by laughing it off.  He does, however, have relatively decent boundaries under the circumstances, and has managed to have a life of his own, maintain his hobbies and interests despite being hounded about how ridiculous they are by my mother.  How much information does one share with other non family members about BPD? Perhaps I should start a new thread. I started off just wanting to protect myself, but now I feel like there will be some big repercussions that go beyond just me and my mom.  When my ex told me he had BPD I can tell you that it turned my world upside down... .my dad is getting on, and I don't know how much world turning upside down he can handle.  He is such a lovely, kind man, who has already been put through so much... .it makes me very sad.

So... .I guess I am wondering what happens when the family scapegoat refuses to play the game?

[P.F.Change]

So... .I guess I am wondering what happens when the family scapegoat refuses to play the game?

Changing our behavior can upset the family dynamic everyone has gotten used to. Some people are equipped to cope with such changes and can adjust and recover quickly; others, less so. Frequently, there will be a concerted effort to bring things back to the way they were, though the methods will vary. If your mother and sister currently cope with their problems by blaming, shaming, and projecting onto you, it seems reasonable to expect that this kind of behavior will continue.

I can understand why you are sad for your father and concerned for him. It sounds like you were able to have a positive discussion with him at lunch. How much information you choose to share with him about what you are learning is up to you. Does it seem like he is wanting more information? Is he asking for your help? To me, it seems that focusing on establishing your own healthy boundaries and keeping yourself safe seems like an excellent place to start. To use an air travel analogy, we have to put on our own oxygen mask first before we can assist someone else. Things are likely to be uncomfortable for your father as the whole family adjusts to your boundaries. But if things between him and your mother are difficult, that is not your fault. It is important to keep looking after yourself.

Let us know if you have any questions about the tools as you have a chance to read through them.

PF

[caughtnreleased]

Hi P.F.,

I sensed from my father that he is really tired of all the drama.  In the dynamic that he has with my mother he has managed to achieve something which is perhaps "tolerable" to him, however whenever there are other stressors (my boundaries, my sister's family, or whatever else that is outside his control) etc. it provokes more drama.  And so I think that he is somewhat at a loss, as he has put in all his efforts and in a way he blames himself for not being able to achieve peace.  I also sense that he is afraid of knowing more, but perhaps is reaching a point where he may need to know more.  But this I don't know.   He has not officially asked for my help, other than to try and keep the peace (which I explained I will no longer do if it is to my detriment). I will be seeing more of him in the next few weeks, so I will wait until then to see what happens.  He generally is someone for whom it is difficult to engage with on an emotional level... .so I don't know exactly what he is prepared for and I don't want to give him more than he can handle.

Thanks again for your support.

[P.F.Change]

He has not officially asked for my help, other than to try and keep the peace (which I explained I will no longer do if it is to my detriment). I will be seeing more of him in the next few weeks, so I will wait until then to see what happens. 

That sounds like a good plan. It is good that you are able to communicate your boundaries to him, too. Have you ever used S.E.T.? I find it can be a good way to communicate that I care what someone else is feeling and have my own needs at the same time. TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

PF