Is this the right thing?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

How do you know when it's time to separate and/or divorce? I thought that it was, but I'm scared I'm making the wrong decision. I've done such a good job blocking out all the bad stuff that it's sometimes hard for me to remember why this isn't working... .

[ednapontellier]

How do you know when it's time to separate and/or divorce? I thought that it was, but I'm scared I'm making the wrong decision. I've done such a good job blocking out all the bad stuff that it's sometimes hard for me to remember why this isn't working... .

[Lady31]

This is a very tough question to answer.  I struggled with it myself and I am sure the others have as well.  There is so much to weigh and think through.

I recommend reading "Boundaries in Marriage" - it helps get really clear about where things are and offers great advice regarding steps to take.  I think it could help you find your own personal approach.

[Conundrum]

Perhaps this sounds trite, but no one can figure that out for you. It is your question to answer. As much as anyone here could empathize--this is your life. My divorce was with a non. At that time she was incapable of seeing the value in being married. I think in some ways, whether disordered or not, the spouse must appreciate the purpose underlying the union. If they cannot, then doors are opened that allow disunion to percolate. And perhaps you have your answer.

[Lucky Jim]

Hi edna, Agree w/those that it's a tough call to make, but for me it had to do with reaching a tipping point that things were not going to get better.  I tried as hard as I could for as long as I could, but eventually ran out of gas.  It's different for everyone, but I think somehow you know that, when your tank is on empty, your marriage journey has gone as far as it can go.  Lucky Jim

[Jbt857]

Write a relationship inventory. The good, the bad, what you can be responsible for changing, what they can.

There's lots of resources for the kind of things to include. Then take a long hard look at whether the good outweighs the bad, and what can and can't be fixed.

I called time on my marriage with my BPDexh after almost a decade. Some days I wish I'd done it sooner, because hindsight shows me that things only got worse, not better. Some days I miss him like crazy and wish we could be as we were. Except really, that was only a picture in my mind, not how my marriage really was.

Try objectively evaluating your marriage, as if you were an outsider looking in. Look at the facts as impassively as possible. What would you suggest someone you loved and cared for, like a brother or sister should do if they were the one telling you the facts?

We can drive ourselves crazy over whether we made a good decision or a bad one. The reality is that any decision is better than none, and sometimes it's best just to choose a path and stick to it. But it takes 2 very committed people to make it better, particularly when BPD is involved.

[ednapontellier]

Thank you everyone for your comments. I'm trying to realize my inability to make big decisions with confidence in myself is probably what got me here in the first place... .