divorce is FINAL

[lightswitch]

Appx 6 weeks ago I filed for a no-contest divorce from my uBPDh. It's final. My head knows that this was the right thing to do; it just really REALLY sucks. That this ever happened makes no sense. I've only told a few people, just because it doesn't feel celebratory at all.

  I am feeling all the feelings I need to,  but wow, I've had some serious low points. I'm just trying to accept things as they are, and try try try to keep doing the next right thing. Doesn't help that the days are shorter, colder, ya know :'(

  I truly don't want to see him again, as it would hurt too badly right now. I feel like a total mess, like I'm halfway present a lot of the time.

  I just wanted to put it out there. He hasn't shown up, which makes me pretty sure he's got a new victim   I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW! sad day, even though I should count myself lucky.

[ShadowDancer]

You ARE the lucky one. Hold your head high knowing you did what you had to do for you... .and THAT is the right thing.

[Jbt857]

Well done! I have held off filing final papers as i need my ex to sign the house over first. Hopefully that will happen next week.

I can then finalise my own divorce.

I can imagine how awful it must feel. I am dreading it myself. It's so final. But it's also a line in the sand, and an opportunity for a new beginning.

Allow yourself to feel sad today, but with the goal of tomorrow being a new day, maybe?

Hugs to you. 

[lightswitch]

Thanks-shadowdancer, it is right, and Jbt, thanks, it really helps to have support here, as so many people might not get it. There are those who don't understand the wierd complexity of the push pull, love/hate, madness of BPD. I feel like if I make them privy to some of the crazier, abusive crap, they're just like, well , he was f-ed up, you should be happy, etc., but then, it's not that easy. I got lured in, I was soo vulnerable. I ignored red flags. I'm trying not to even think about anything he's doing, whatever, it's no longer any of my business. Holidays coming... .boo. the vacuous pit In my soul is trying to pull me down. So I'll swim harder.  I call a no- mascara week.  There are days where I wish I could check out, but it's not a healthy option.  I'm lucky I got him to sign the papers! He almost killed me, jeez. I'm also glad we didn't have kids together, that is hard!

[love4meNOTu]

lightswitch-

My divorce was finalized September 9th, 2013 at 11 a.m.

My marriage lasted a whole 16 months.

He put me through hell... .right after we got married. Before that? Oh yea... it was frickin fantastic. If only I would have known.

The day of my divorce I did have to see him in court, but I never made eye contact or spoke to him. It had to end, he would have been the death of me in more ways than one. Financially, emotionally, the effect on my children (from a previous marriage). He was just too sick.

It does get better, and you know you did what you had to do. You loved him, you were honest, and in the end you saved yourself. That is all we can do.

Please don't think that he will be different in his next relationship, he won't. He'll treat her the same as he did you, maybe even worse. Untreated mental issues... .well they get worse, don't they. They don't magically disappear with age.

I'm on this journey with you.

love4

[lightswitch]

Kind words, love4, I truly thank you. And true words... .sigh... .

[love4meNOTu]

What can I say, been there - done that, bought the t-shirt.

You have to remain focused on YOU now. There is nothing more you can do.

This truly is a situation of "It's not me, it's you".

This is NOT your fault. This is a mental illness. He had it long before you, and will have it long after you are gone.

[blurry]

I don't blame mine for what she does, due to the disorder. I'm friggin mad as a tick she doesn't do anything, about the disorder. So disappointed and heartbroken. Anyway, I'm right in line here, have to force myself to go file for divorce, I know I have to, and I'm sure I will be feeling the same way. Such a shame it has to he this way, I can't imagine she would purposely want to live this way and can't even imagine what goes on in her disturbed mind. Luckily we have no ties whatsoever besides the actual marriage together, so it'll be a clean break that way, but at the same time, I struggle giving up that little last thread of hope... .and filing the divorce will shorten it even further for me.

Deep down, I know whether I file or not, my BPDw has no boundaries or conscience whatsoever about recycling, so I guess for legal purposes, to protect myself, I have to go get it done regardless. She will reach out again either way, she's proven it over and over. Its up to me to stop it by not buying all her promises, which I know, while she means them at the time, in no way shape or form will she ever keep them. She just can't, and I can't live this way.

[lightswitch]

Deep down, I know whether I file or not, my BPDw has no boundaries or conscience whatsoever about recycling, so I guess for legal purposes, to protect myself, I have to go get it done regardless. She will reach out again either way, she's proven it over and over. Its up to me to stop it by not buying all her promises, which I know, while she means them at the time, in no way shape or form will she ever keep them. She just can't, and I can't live this way.

Blurry,

  I think about the legal and protective measures as well.  There are so many examples of how my ex could have gotten ME into legal trouble simply by proximity. Having my name attached to his opened me up for a potential world of legal ramifications. Not to mention possible stds, the list goes on and on.  You're right, their behavior does NOT change. The pain of disengaging is really really hard, but I have gained a freedom from the constant anxiety of his lies, and the sick feeling I got from them.  I reached a bottom with the relationship.  There were so many things that hadn't happened YET, that would have been absolutely the death of me.

[ShadowDancer]

Thanks-shadowdancer, it is right, and Jbt, thanks, it really helps to have support here, as so many people might not get it. There are those who don't understand the wierd complexity of the push pull, love/hate, madness of BPD. I feel like if I make them privy to some of the crazier, abusive crap, they're just like, well , he was f-ed up, you should be happy, etc., but then, it's not that easy. I got lured in, I was soo vulnerable. I ignored red flags. I'm trying not to even think about anything he's doing, whatever, it's no longer any of my business. Holidays coming... .boo. the vacuous pit In my soul is trying to pull me down. So I'll swim harder.  I call a no- mascara week.  There are days where I wish I could check out, but it's not a healthy option.  I'm lucky I got him to sign the papers! He almost killed me, jeez. I'm also glad we didn't have kids together, that is hard!

Instead of swimming so hard against the current of the river... .try floating.

[zkirtz]

Congrats may be a too strong term. But really, Good for you. I wish you well. Life is a long road to a better place.

[lightswitch]

 @zkirtz, ha, you're right, the congrats is a wierd word, eh? Thanks!

@shadow, that's a nice visual. I'm concentrating on good visuals. Honestly, they're not all nice, but detaching holds a violence and a floating for me right now.

[momtara]

It's hard.  Your instincts to do this were likely right.  But I know it's easy to remember the good parts and forget the bad.  Instead of congratulations, I will just encourage you to give yourself a break and have a nice meal tonight.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey lightswitch, It is sad, but maybe you can also feel grateful that this step is behind you.  In most cases, a marriage to a pwBPD doesn't get better, believe me.  And for some of us, it can be a long haul in a BPD marriage (16 yrs) with kids involved.  You made the right call and I predict you won't miss the drama, messy legal ramifications and/or possible std's, etc.!  Lucky Jim

[iluminati]

Someone said congrats is too strong a word.  I say BS.  You should say congratulations.  You have survived a relationship situation few in this world will truly understand.  Be glad, celebrate and enjoy yourself.  Remember, it gets better after this.  I was supposed to sign the final paperwork a couple weeks ago, but the soon-to-be-ex-wife is stalling for time by not seeing her lawyer.  Next month, she won't be so lucky.  I can't wait until I sign on the line for that.

[lightswitch]

@momtara, thanks ! A couple of my kids and I did have a nice meal last night!

Lucky Jim,  I don't miss drama!

And, illuminati, to have 'survived' a BPD relationship really speaks to the devastation of this illness. And to you, an early congrats on your upcoming divorce. Sounds like you're on a good place. That's what we're all striving for, really.