Update and Request for Advice

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Ya know,  I looked back for a long time at my ex r/s and thought man.  I mean nothing to her.

Then, the more I thought the more I realized, she had a lot of problems, and she did let me in to them.  I just wasn't her perfect parent/therapist/super boyfriend.  She let me in so far that I was triggering her left and right.

That, somehow gives me strange peace of mind.  It sucks, knowing I couldn't avoid it, that she has these patterns so far ingrained that she can't even see them.  But somehow, its ok.

I had a difficult week as someone that I respect offhandedly insulted me.  That caused rumination.  Which caused isolation.  Which caused further rumination.  And now I'm here.

You know how sometimes you just get ESP that your ex is going to reach out?  I've got that sense, but I don't know how to handle it, and I'm worrying far too much over something that may or may not happen.

I've got a new address and all my electronic communications are secure.  Sure I've had some strange calls, but there's no way to be sure of who they are from.

I don't know what to do if she does make an honest genuine effort to reach out.  I can probably already recite line by line what she'd say.

I want to tell her:

"I love you now, and have always loved you very much.  I was extremely hurt by some of the things that happened in our relationship.  I'd be happy to try again if you were committed to figuring your stuff out."

Therein lies the rub.  I can't tell her I want her to figure her stuff out, or she'll just get a therapist, waste her time and money, and continue being destructive. It takes time and commitment on her part to want to understand her stuff.  Not just wanting to do it for me.  And who knows, after she does, maybe she won't be so interested in me.

I checked her social media recently.  It hurt deeply for a bit, and then not so much, and right now not at all as I see the pattern: stuff that would try to get my attention in a positive way, stuff that would try to get my attention in a negative way.  Back and forth.  Perhaps its not all about me.  Perhaps its just negative attention and positive attention.  But there were some things that were directed right at me.  no doubt in my mind.

So that's where I'm at.  Trying to detach with love.  Realized this is not a good r/s for me  to be in right now, or person to have in my life right now.  Trying to accept that perhaps the absolute best thing I can do is NOTHING.  Just let her live and flounder and make her own mistakes and if she figures herself out and comes back then great.  If not, I can always try to remember the positive words she said in her nice times.  They did make me feel really good.

Thanks for bein here.

-QF

[PhoenixRising15]

Ya know,  I looked back for a long time at my ex r/s and thought man.  I mean nothing to her.

Then, the more I thought the more I realized, she had a lot of problems, and she did let me in to them.  I just wasn't her perfect parent/therapist/super boyfriend.  She let me in so far that I was triggering her left and right.

That, somehow gives me strange peace of mind.  It sucks, knowing I couldn't avoid it, that she has these patterns so far ingrained that she can't even see them.  But somehow, its ok.

I had a difficult week as someone that I respect offhandedly insulted me.  That caused rumination.  Which caused isolation.  Which caused further rumination.  And now I'm here.

You know how sometimes you just get ESP that your ex is going to reach out?  I've got that sense, but I don't know how to handle it, and I'm worrying far too much over something that may or may not happen.

I've got a new address and all my electronic communications are secure.  Sure I've had some strange calls, but there's no way to be sure of who they are from.

I don't know what to do if she does make an honest genuine effort to reach out.  I can probably already recite line by line what she'd say.

I want to tell her:

"I love you now, and have always loved you very much.  I was extremely hurt by some of the things that happened in our relationship.  I'd be happy to try again if you were committed to figuring your stuff out."

Therein lies the rub.  I can't tell her I want her to figure her stuff out, or she'll just get a therapist, waste her time and money, and continue being destructive. It takes time and commitment on her part to want to understand her stuff.  Not just wanting to do it for me.  And who knows, after she does, maybe she won't be so interested in me.

I checked her social media recently.  It hurt deeply for a bit, and then not so much, and right now not at all as I see the pattern: stuff that would try to get my attention in a positive way, stuff that would try to get my attention in a negative way.  Back and forth.  Perhaps its not all about me.  Perhaps its just negative attention and positive attention.  But there were some things that were directed right at me.  no doubt in my mind.

So that's where I'm at.  Trying to detach with love.  Realized this is not a good r/s for me  to be in right now, or person to have in my life right now.  Trying to accept that perhaps the absolute best thing I can do is NOTHING.  Just let her live and flounder and make her own mistakes and if she figures herself out and comes back then great.  If not, I can always try to remember the positive words she said in her nice times.  They did make me feel really good.

Thanks for bein here.

-QF

[KE151]

There's an old saying: as long as there's life, there's hope. In our cases that's in most cases false hope and it holds us back.

[Learning_curve74]

Yes QF, it is very insightful of you to see that you were actually important to her and got close enough to her to trigger her issues. It's a bittersweet kind of realization to come to though.

As far as dealing with contact, everybody has their own path to follow. I think it depends on how far along in your detachment you feel you are. You say that it is not healthy for you to have her in your life right now, so maybe if she contacts you through emails and texts you can simply ignore them? If you need to say anything, then maybe simply tell the truth that both of you staying in contact is not healthy for either of you right now, and maybe that you need to work on your issues and she needs to work on her issues first. If neither of you have changed, then there is no reason to expect a different result from the first time around. It may still be experienced as abandonment by her, but it seems to me like the least hurtful way of stating your needs to her.

And on the topic of hope, I still believe in hope. Hope is what puts dreams into action. But you can only own your hope, your dreams, and your actions, not somebody else's. Best wishes to you, QF.