Credit for excellence?

[Contradancer]

I just got done with a very public project.  It was a delight working with two other team members, though I was lead on the project and put in the most.  It has been very rewarding and has publicly been acknowledged as a success.

My BPD mother told my coworkers that they did a great job, and how well the project turned out.  When both said I deserved most of the credit she got snitty with them.  She has since told me the project is a failure and an embarrassment, then ripping into me about how I'm always a failure.

Why?  My cohorts are upset over this, and I'm just tired of it.

[P.F.Change]

First of all, congratulations on the success of your project. It must feel good to see your hard work paying off.  

My BPD mother told my coworkers that they did a great job, and how well the project turned out.  When both said I deserved most of the credit she got snitty with them.  She has since told me the project is a failure and an embarrassment, then ripping into me about how I'm always a failure.

Why?

The simplistic answer is, "Because she has a personality disorder."

If we expect someone with BPD to behave like someone who does not have BPD, we will be disappointed and confused. Maybe a mother without BPD would be able to congratulate you and feel proud of you. But a mother with BPD might need to see her child as an object that contains all her negative projections about herself. I don't know the precise underlying reasons for your mother's behavior, but if for some reason she has split you "all bad," this behavior makes sense. It has nothing to do with you. It is just the way her disorder affects her thinking.

How do you respond to your mother when she calls you a failure and an embarrassment? Are you still able to enjoy your success?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Contradancer]

There's a part of me that rationalized that she has BPD and that it's always been this way, and will always be this way.  There's the part of me that's just tired of five decades of being put in the proverbial black sheep category.

I'm very proud of the work the both I and my team did.  And, it was a lot of fun working with other high energy, intelligent, creative, and responsible people.  I look forward to working with them again. They're just the opposite of my mother, who sits around a lot complaining that she needs to be in charge because she's the only one who's competent.

Thanks for the uncomfortable reality check.  I knew the answer, she has BPD, but just don't like it.

[Sitara]

You are definitely not alone Contradancer.  I don't think I ever got a pure, honest compliment from my mom.  When I did something perfectly or got top scores I'd hear; You can do better than that. Try to do more. That's what we expected from you.  If I was anything less than perfect, I would get lectured or demeaned.

It's so hard to feel good about yourself and your successes after hearing a lifetime of that.  But you did a good job and you deserve to feel proud.

[GeekyGirl]

Why?  My cohorts are upset over this, and I'm just tired of it.

Could it be that your mother is jealous of your accomplishment? Does she have any NPD tendencies? Most importantly, how do you feel about your accomplishment?

It's likely that your co-workers are slightly upset, but it's not a reflection on you. If you've worked closely with them, they likely know how you really are, and probably didn't spend a lot of time or energy thinking about what your mother said.

[Contradancer]

Yes, my mother is probably very jealous. She is too terrified to take a risk, and I'm very comfortable with risk and being imperfect (though I do the best I can).  My coworkers are unhappy with her inability to give me any credit for my work, while gushing over them for their excellence, because they know how hard I worked to keep us on schedule and focused.  Plus, they know how much research I did to gild the lily. They look forward to working with me again.

She might be NPD.  The session in which she was going to be informed of a diagnosis she skipped, and she's refused to do any therapy since.

[Clearmind]

A Borderline will see someone's success as their own failure…my father didn't do this however my BPDex did. I was not permitted success because his failures (to him) were put in neon lights…he felt woeful.

I do hope you can enjoy your successes and not place your value on your mothers distorted views.

How do you respond to your mother when she calls you a failure and an embarrassment?

This is a good question and one to maybe start pondering. Boundaries to protect you are important.

[Contradancer]

When she calls me a failure, I walk away giving no reaction other than withdrawing from the situation. Admittedly, I get upset with myself that I've not really been able to find good ways to deal with my internal rage other than to stuff my feelings down, which then shows up as an eating disorder and migraines.

Therapy is not an option as I have no insurance.  Guess it may be back to OA for me.

[GeekyGirl]

When she calls me a failure, I walk away giving no reaction other than withdrawing from the situation. Admittedly, I get upset with myself that I've not really been able to find good ways to deal with my internal rage other than to stuff my feelings down, which then shows up as an eating disorder and migraines.

Therapy is not an option as I have no insurance.  Guess it may be back to OA for me.

 If it would bring you some comfort, I think going back to OA would be a great idea.

Are there other things that you like to do that you could try instead of eating? I love yoga, for example, and painting. Sometimes finding another way to stay busy and feel good can help with those feelings of anger and frustration.

[musicfan42]

When she calls me a failure, I walk away giving no reaction other than withdrawing from the situation. Admittedly, I get upset with myself that I've not really been able to find good ways to deal with my internal rage other than to stuff my feelings down, which then shows up as an eating disorder and migraines.

Therapy is not an option as I have no insurance.  Guess it may be back to OA for me.

Is there an eating disorder organisation in your country that you could contact? They might do support groups and/or reduced cost counselling.

[P.F.Change]

When she calls me a failure, I walk away giving no reaction other than withdrawing from the situation. Admittedly, I get upset with myself that I've not really been able to find good ways to deal with my internal rage other than to stuff my feelings down, which then shows up as an eating disorder and migraines.

Therapy is not an option as I have no insurance.  Guess it may be back to OA for me.

OA can provide valuable support. It is a good thing to be able to ask for help when we need it.

Walking away is one solution when others call us names, especially if they are in a rage. Sometimes, verbalizing that the behavior is unacceptable can also help us feel more empowered and in control of ourselves. Have you had a look at any of the communication tools here on bpdfamily? This one in particular has been useful to me, and you might also find it helpful in getting your feelings out there in a constructive way: TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

There's the part of me that's just tired of five decades of being put in the proverbial black sheep category.

It is not easy being the family scapegoat. It must be absolutely exhausting to have been bullied in that way for 50 years. I would be feeling tired, too! Every child wants to be loved and accepted by his parents. When there is nothing he can do to please them, he often assumes it is because he is flawed or not good enough to love. But in reality, a personality disorder interferes with the parent's ability to love. It is not that the child is unlovable, but rather that the parent is not able to show him the love he needs.

There is nothing you can do to change your mother or how she needs to see you. If she is determined to view you as a "black sheep" so that she doesn't have to face her own demons, she will continue to do this. No way to stop her. So, what do you have the power to change? What about your own attitudes, expectations, or behaviors can shift so that you can feel better? (This is a tough question, but worth thinking about.)

PF

[Contradancer]

There's a couple of OA groups near me. I'll start next week.

I do need to change my expectations.  You're right that she sees no reason to change.  I will also review S.E.T.  It's been a while, but found some success with it years ago with my BPDxh.

Thank you all.